White People Love Kanye West

September 12, 2008

Daniel O'Brian

Cracked pictures replaced by carefully chosen gifs to imitate their clever impact

I think I might've gotten Kanye West arrested, and now I feel like such a doofus. Especially given my history, I mean, this isn't the first time I got a hip-hop star in trouble with the law, (devotees will recall that, several months ago, I may or may not have convinced Vanilla Ice to beat his wife). In fairness, if I had known Kanye was going fly off the handle and get so aggravated that he'd smash an expensive camera at an airport, I probably wouldn't have said what I said. I should back up...

Thursday, September 11, 2008 6:00am I stumbled into Rutt's Inn, this amazing pancake place in LA, and Kanye was already there, waiting for me. He stood up and waved me over enthusiastically. "OB," he shouted, "My man, get over here, we got just oodles of shit to discuss." Ugh. He's a lot of things but, above everything else, Kanye West is a morning person. I am not. I sat down across from him, rubbing my eyes, my head throbbing and my throat dry. "Thanks for meeting me, Dan, this is really-" I silenced him with a hand wave. "I'm gonna stop you right there, 'Ye. This conversation isn't moving another inch forward until I get at least two cups of coffee in me. My eyes feel like fricking pinecones." Kanye started laughing. If I had to guess, I'd say it was because he was picturing two pinecones fornicating. That was, of course, not my intention, but Kanye probably couldn't tell that there was no hyphen between "fricking" and "pinecones." Because this was a spoken conversation.

OGs know this gif

I digress. Aside from the giggling, Kanye graciously allowed me several minutes of silence while I wolfed down two cups of black coffee. Kanye was such a fan of mine and I think he's alright, (I guess), so we both agreed it would be a good idea for the two of us to work on a project together. It was really more his idea than mine, but I figured I'd at least hear him out. I was, after all, writing a pilot for an animated children's TV show about a genetically-enhanced mouse that gets elected president; Kanye could easily do the voice for the sassy bird that becomes the vice president.

"Now," I said, after I'd finished my coffee, "what kind of project did you have in mind?" His eyes lit up. "First off, I just wanna say how psyched I am that you're meeting with me. I'm such a fan of the blog and your early mixtapes, from back when you used to rap. I mean, you're the Statutory Rap, man! I am so honored to be in your presence." "Settle down, Kanye." "Right, my bad. Anyway, I was thinkin' we could do an album together. You and me, you know, I bring you outta retirement, and we change the game, you know? You're still tight with Jay-Z, so I'm sure he'd be down to guest on a few tracks. It'd be tight, we'd get Weezy in there, Swizz Beatz. This shit's gonna be hot!" Rapping? That was the last thing I thought this meeting was going to be about. To be honest, I had no interest in the project and I made no attempts to hide my dissatisfaction. Kanye noticed immediately. "What's wrong," he asked. "You can still spit fire, right?" "Don't be a child, Kanye, of course I can. That's not the point." "Well, what is the point?" Now, before I go any further, I want you to know that I didn't think I was saying anything revelatory. I honestly didn't think I was telling any tales out of school, and I didn't mean to surprise or enrage Kanye West in any way. I mean, he says things like "psyched" and "oodles." I figured what I was about to say was common knowledge... "Well, Kanye, I was considering making a comeback, but I'm just not sure it should be with you... I mean, I want to make rap music but, you know. Not for white people." Kanye seemed positively shocked. "I don't understand," he said after some time. "Oh, uh, it's pretty simple. White people love you." I thought he was gonna have a heart attack, but it's true. White people love Kanye West. So much so, in fact, that I find it amazing that the foremost experts on stuff white people like have never mentioned it.

that was a real website in 2008 that white people posted on Facebook

Kanye West, still somewhat in shock, was ready to speak. "You're messing with me. This...this can't be. I'm... I'm from the street, I-" "Everyone knows where you're from, Kanye. And, hey, it's nothing to be ashamed about- you're selling a ton of records, you're a dynamite producer and you've sold out shows all over the globe. And there's nothing wrong with making music white people love, plenty people have done it in the past. James Taylor comes to mind." Kanye West threw up all over the table. "You lyin', DOB, you must be lyin'." Has he seriously never suspected this? "You don't believe me? Alright, as an experiment, go ahead and ask any average, suburban middle class white person if they're into rap. Go ahead. Right now. Pick someone off the street, anyone, and ask if they like rap music, and I'll tell you, (unless they're an actual hip-hop fan), they're gonna say 'Eh, I'm kinda into rap. I think Kanye West is great.' Trust me. Just about every white person who's worried about coming off as either uncool or a racist, which is to say, 'every white person,' will say almost that exact sentence, verbatim."

white hands at the ye show

"Stop it. Stop it! I don't believe you." "Well now you're just being a baby. Kanye, man, do you have any idea just how many high-maintenance white girls have 'Stronger' memorized? Fricking all of them, man. And, I mean, haven't you noticed that the way you dress informs the style of idiot white guys everywhere?" He put his fingers in his ears and started shaking his head violently. "Look, there's just something about you. You're just gangster enough that white people will listen to you and feel cool and edgy, (yet comfortable), but not quite gangster enough that white folks will be afraid of you. Or, you know. That anyone else will actually like you. There's nothing wrong with being liked by white people. Heck, some of my best friends are white. But I'm just saying that if you decided you wanted to feature Regina Spektor on an upcoming single, two things would happen: no one in the hip-hop community would be surprised or impressed, and white kids at colleges across America would absolutely lose their shit.

and it could be on the 500 days of summer sequel soundtrack

" Seriously. U-Mass Amherst might have to shut down while all the students clean up after their simultaneous orgasm. Kanye was, understandably, having a difficult time with this new information. "But...but I'm from Chicago, man, the streets of Chicago." His eyes started to well up. "Oh, right, that's another problem. You reference Chicago a lot, and in your songs, sometimes you call it 'Chi-town,' which is fine, but other times you call it 'The Shire.' Now, uh... I know you think that's a cool nickname but...I don't know if you know this, but the Shire is where the hobbits lived in Lord of the Rings....Do...do you know what type of people love Lord of the Rings, Kanye? I don't think I need to tell you." "Oh my God." "Yeah. It's pretty awful." "I don't mean to rap for white people. I don't want to make white people happy." "Of course you don't, Kanye, nobody wants white people to be happy." "But why do they like me so much?" "Love, Kanye, white people love you. And I guess it's because you're catchy, uncomplicated and generally inoffensive. Let's be honest, all of your hits are pretty mom-friendly. Also you're very clear. White people are crazy about diction." "But still, my lyrics. I rap about life, man, and the streets. Doesn't that count for anything," he pleaded. "B-word please. You rap about working at the Gap, smoking pot and having s*x with drunk chicks. Those are the only things white guys do." "Why are you saying this," Kanye said with tears streaming down his face.

"Because I figured you knew!" Honestly. I assumed everybody knew. White people love Kanye West, Middle Eastern people love Lionel Ritchie, and Chinese people are afraid of Smash Mouth. These are Pop Culture Commandments, I don't presume to understand them, but I acknowledge them all the same. I spend plenty of time around white people, I've even been mistaken for white. But I'll never quite get why white people are so fascinated by Kanye West. Also Michael Phelps. White people are obsessed with Michael Phelps, I just don't get it. "But I sold so many records...." "That's true, you've got some insanely catchy joints, no one's taking that away from you. But, you know...Blink182 had some catchy shit too, but I don't think anyone would argue that they helped out punk music in any way. Do you see what I mean?" He did. And it hurt. He looked practically catatonic, sitting at that table, watching his world crash around him. I tried cheering him up. "Hey, on the bright side, you're bringing rap music to the whole world. You're introducing an entire generation of pasty, soccer-loving white folks to rap. Music History will look back on you fondly but, uh...the same way it looks back on Hammer." If the Rutts Inn had sharper knives, I think Kanye probably would've used one to stab someone at that point. I never was too good at comforting depressed hip-hop stars after a pancake breakfast. I know, that is an oddly specific flaw to have, but it's true. It's my one weakness. "Listen," I said, paying the bill, "I guess this a lot for you to digest, so I'll just leave you alone. I think you have a plane to catch anyway. But, hey, gimme a call if you have any interest in voicing a cartoon vice president named 'Dan Quail.' Do...do you get it?... Okay, I'll leave you alone." An hour and a half later, Kanye got arrested for flipping out at an airport and breaking a paparazzo's camera.

Whoops. *** So, uh...State of California...hopefully this should explain why Mr. West acted out the way he did. Have mercy on him, this is a tough pill for ole' Kanye to swallow. Please, take pity on him and be lenient in your sentencing. It's like Kanye finding out for the first time that there's no Santa Claus. Or, that there is a Santa Claus, and he just loves Kanye's music. Because he's a fat white guy.

!dramatards !chuds !upmarseysluts !hawktuah

Our boi Scot narrating this cuck saga

From foxymation

from foxymation, a youtuber

Was sitting next to 3 college aged girls and some dude came up to them and mentioned that his daughter had just started going to college. They decided to guess his age and decided late 40s so he got mad at them, asking how in the world they thought he looked that old when he was 34. He then walked away leaving them dumbfounded. Literal !fellas

this is from foxymation, a youtuber

this is from a youtuber Foxymations

like straight up a male. something has to be done about this. enough accusing everyone of being Indian there is agps AMONG US

ANSWER: INFINITY. Cause xe'yre too low level to beat the G*MER !g*mers !coolpeople !1337

Most Based Comments

Basedness: 🔥🔥🔥🔘🔘

it's amazing how people will shill terrible design choices like this, and then project that you are being a special snowflake for wanting beauty and consistency in your art. (86)

What makes it a terrible design choice. Women who are mma fighters look like this and she is supposed to be a badass so why wouldn't she look like this. Also it's fiction and the way they look is constantly changing why would you compare for just her when the Witcher himself has changed drastically over the games (-25)

Basedness: 🔥🔥🔥🔘🔘

Still ignoring my point of Geralt being 100 years old but doesn't look like his facial features have changed (besides the hair) yet Ciri is the exception I suppose? (6)

Have you seen what Geralt looked like in Witcher 1? His face changes every game 🤣 (-6)

Basedness: 🔥🔥🔥🔘🔘

I think people are getting way too caught up with small differences in a cinematic trailer. Geralt looked different in TW3 cinematic trailers. Heck, he looked extremely different on a game to game basis...https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fb6v7kyeebl6e1.pnghttps://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fpreview.redd.it%2Fciri-from-the-witcher-4-reveal-trailer-v0-pj8n7j3gml6e1.png%3Fauto%3Dwebp%26s%3D6d144b369afc36a63315b8d8291a26534520c22aFrom other angles, she looks pretty darn similar to me...like you can't tell me she doesn't look like herself in these shots. People are hyper focusing on some weird shots that were meant to be high fidelity but ended up uncanny, and proceeding to catastrophize.Game is years away and CDPR probably didn't even make this trailer. Calm your tits. (39)

People getting hung up on bullshit like cheekbones.The core issue is that a bunch of dudes don't necessarily want to roleplay as a woman. I don't think there's anything toxic about that.Action movies' and video games' main customer is dudes. It can work ... but it's a risky move to create a video game and/or action movie that doesn't cater to your main customer base. If design decision 1 is "let's make it harder for our our primary customer base to engage with our main protagonist", it may be worth considering if that decision is worth the risk. (-8)

Angriest Comments

Angriness: 😡😡😡😡😡

That's not lying. That is not by any means what lying is, nor am I lying. If you want a breakdown of the witcher series I can not tell you much besides It started as a book series, then it got taken in for games, and the games went like this1 was good2 was considered bad3 at launch was mixed but after a few patches to fix some issues people had it overall became the best one.The first 3 games lead into geralts full conclusion with ciri being established as a possible follow up to geralt.Comes witcher 4 which was now announced, and ciri is older. Witcher fans KNEW ciri had potential to be the new lead and she became all powerful with her magic. Now she is a supposed witcher and everyone wants to know how. And people are having mixed feelings on her looks, but not really cause this is the first time I have seen this sentiment show up.We been past that topic man, you seem a little lost. Want to sit down and talk slower about it?Edit: it is very abundant you are a troll or someone who i... (2)

How to lie with statistics. Using misleading data sets is one of the first methods.Oh so you don't actually know? How unexpected.I can vouch for the fact that I think her looks are fine. The assertion they "uglified" her is absurd and can be tossed out of hand for its absolute absurdity. I suspect those goofballs are only being used as a weak man (strawman's little cousin) as attempt to cover up the real gripe ... guys don't choose to roll female characters when they have the option not to. Stands to reason they might not buy the game because it's not an option.But you still haven't explained it to me. So I'll keep asking until you do. Why does not preferring to roll a female character in an RPG indicate a lack of empathy?I am not trolling at all. I'm having an open/transparent discussion. I'm merely pointing out all the dishonest accusations and bullshit you're trying to pin on me. There's no reason to get so upset over someone merely disagreeing with you. You stretching so hard to... (1)

Angriness: 😡😡😡😡😡

No one says "who cares" to someone and not expect it to be taken offensively. If you find that to be a perfectly sound, civil answer, then I must say you really are the kind of person you're being accused of being, and any further discussion with you would only serve as more evidence.So let's chat, shall we?What's your problem with her reply? Why did it upset you so?You have received exactly zero attacks before I descended upon you sword in my hand. You did dish a few out yourself, though, and plenty of accusations, especially regarding other people's presumed feelings. It seems you really do believe that your opinions are factual. So, you not only seem to lack empathy, but you also don't seem to be the sharpest tool in the shed.And besides, I don't care about you enough to become upset. That doesn't mean I won't call you whatever I believe you are. For me, calling people out for their true selves and watching them writhe in refusal is a twisted form of entertainment. And you don't ... (1)

Attack my stance with dishonesty, personal attacks, and/or snippiness and I have no qualms returning the favor.There's no correlation with empathy and what kind character you prefer to roll for a RPG video game. Duh? Implying otherwise is nothing more than toxicity with intent to sow divisiveness. Ironic huh.I was accused of being weird and lacking empathy many times in this thread.That has been the core question from the start. You and the other jackasses in here have been trying to manipulate it into something else from the start. You get upset when I point out your manipulation.You seem oblivious that they do care. At the end of the day ... if this was your only gripe with my post... we would've acknowledged our difference of opinion/speculation and moved on with 0 hostility. That's how adult conversations work.This thread only got hostile once the accusations and personal attacks (toxicity, lack of empathy) were launched. (1)

Angriness: 😡😡😡😡😡

I'm one who probably won't buy the game on day one. I doubt I'm literally the only person on earth who feels this way. My purchase is at risk. For context ... this is one of my favorite gaming series (only 2nd behind Mass Effect) that I've played since W1 in 2007.It's anecdotal ... as someone who's played RPGs in various forms for decades, it's hard to not notice that most people roll characters of their own gender when given the option. Take away that option ... and there's a risk folks will be less inclined to buy the game.You should be aware ... saying there's a risk doesn't imply any specific outcome is inevitable. So I'm not entirely certain what you think I'm here to "prove". (1)

I mean, I won't either, but my reasoning is that I simply don't trust in any game's quality before seeing plenty of reviews from actual players. Is your reasoning primarily centered around Ciri being the protagonist? It has to, otherwise it wouldn't really serve as a point in this argument.Except that the literally don't. Girls tend to roll male character more often than you think, and it's a pretty well known mantra among guys that they'd rather watch a girl's butt for 100 hours of gameplay. You're ignoring everything but your own experience. Which makes for a rather weak argument.Fine, I'll give you a hint. Prove to me that games in the past have achieved less success for the sole reason of having a female protagonist. The important part being "for the sole reason". Failing while woman is not enough, you gotta show to me that it failed because of woman. Cause, you know, if you claim there is a risk, there must be precedent to warrant that risk. Obvious, isn't it? (1)

Biggest Lolcow: /u/GravyMcBiscuits

Score: 🐮🐮🐮🐮🐮(+2🐮)

Number of comments: 36

Average angriness: 🔘🔘🔘🔘🔘

Maximum angriness: 😡😡😡😡😡

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As he sits in his ivory tower.

So would you rather us lose our sovereignty? If you believe that just say it.

You would give up your job, become homeless, and give up your retirement account?

If you believe that just do it.

Yeah, I'm prepared to do that -- and one more than that.

The additional one is arm up and resist.

No fricking way will I accept an American overlord on our soil.

/u/Link50L

You and what rifle? We've been disarmed! You stood by and probably cheered it as it happened!

!nooticers note how he says "arm up and resist" not just resist. This is a man who own no guns and who thinks, what he'll just be provided with one when shit hits the fan?

We have offered the United States of America the opportunity to outsource part of its prison system.

We are willing to take in only convicted criminals (including convicted U.S. citizens) into our mega-prison (CECOT) in exchange for a fee.

The fee would be relatively low for… pic.twitter.com/HTNwtp35Aq

— Nayib Bukele (@nayibbukele) February 4, 2025

They are REALLY proud of their gigaprison

Shit butt FRICKING BUTTON MAKING ME STRESS AND ALMOST TAP WHY DOES THIS EXIST WHY IS IT AT THE TOP OF THE FEED AAAAAAAAAAA

It's over Ukroids