I initially couldn't finish the Berserk anime when I first started it. It was so deeply frightening and sad, I just couldn't do it. Then I started to understand Guts. His struggles, his desire to find love and peace. I saw a large man, both in mass and stature, who feared being vulnerable, who feared any connections that would rend him from what he knew: his training, solitude, and tarnished sense of safety.

I am a pretty big guy. I'm over 6'5 and workout frequently. I get attention from people for being bigger, some of it positive, mostly negative. I've had people call me a "freak" before. People will often challenge me to fights just to prove something, specifically when I'm at college. I've accidentally hurt people before when I was messing around, or too much when they tried to fight me. I was made fun of a lot during my childhood; people called me dumb, R*tarded, anything to deprive me of joy. I started to believe it. I gave up.

I couldn't take it anymore, so I decided to make myself a weapon. I began weight lifting and martial arts. but it didn't shake the fundamental fear I still held that people were there to hurt me and cause me pain, so closed myself off. I hid and prayed that people would just leave me alone.

I eventually got to college, where I started to go to parties. I got to one called "Dress to get Laid", and I didn't have the confidence to go crazy with it, so I wore my standard outfit of jeans, a Henley, and Boots. I go to school with mostly women, so I get a fair amount of attention, the majority of which don't respect that I have a girlfriend. I'm moving upstairs with a drink in my hand, when two girls grab me, one my chest and pecs, the other my crotch. I froze. I didn't know what to do. If this were anyone else, I would hit them. But I'm a white guy on a college campus in 2015, with two women who are both about a foot shorter than me touching me and giggling. I have little confidence and a lot of fear. So I freeze. It happened 3 more times each getting more and more aggressive and violent.

When you get sexually assaulted, you feel hopeless. You feel frail and weak. I shut it off. I decided that it didn't happen. It couldn't have. But it came back. Two semesters later, after someone I thought was a friend kissed me without my permission, I panicked and locked myself in my room. I did not attend class for the next couple days, I blew up on a friend of mine for putting his hand on my shoulder.

It was during those days, isolated, terrified, and desperate to feel like I could have agency again, that I tried Berserk again. Watching Guts' struggle with Gambino, being raped by Donovan, being closed off and terrified of a world that we perceive as malignant and only wants to desecrate us. When Guts found trust in the BOTH, I found hope in my friends. When Guts found love, acceptance, and peace in the embrace of Casca, I realized I could find love again in the arms and smile of my girlfriend, the love of my life.

No story better illustrates how vital love can be. No story shows how beautiful the world is when there are people who can make you better, and that you DESERVE love.

Always.

Thank you Guts.

Thank you Miura.

Thank you all.