I was with a girl almost 4 years. I met her when i was 18 and she was 16. I fell in love. After year of spending time together we was so close to each other. I know what she was w thinking about and she knew everything about me. She was my first love and first serious girlfriend i ever had, besides she was 10/10 girl, every1 just wanted to be with her and i was so happy that she choosed me. Had feeling like i won my life. She took like 90% of my brain, was thinking about her almost everytime. Just damn big love, i loved her, she loved me. After 3 years we decided to study together in bigger city. She always was not into these "things", i mean sex etc. She told me that im the only one, and if she want to do it, she gonna do this with me. Like every man/boy i was waiting for this day impatiently. She promised that if we move to our new flat, we will do it everywhere, in the kitchen, on the table, in the morning, in the evening. I was so excited, for every boy like me it was like "my dreams came true". After few months she met her new friends (girls). She was going out with them to some parties, i let her go, i said: if u want, u can go, i trust u :) . She changed drastically, she wasnt a "party girl", she never was into party, till now. She was going out 3-4 times in a week. I was waiting for her everynight just to hug her before sleeping and to say that i love u and i dont know what i was gonna do if she someday dissapear. She was giving me a meaning of life. When i was thinking or deciding about something i always ask her about her opinion, or i just included her to my plans. I was predicting that something is going on, something bad. My brother was dumped after 4 years by her ex without a good explain (just something like: its not this, we should brake up). After that i told her: tell me please if something is wrong, i dont want to lose you, u are my whole world and i cant imagine a life without you, so please, always tell me the truth. She agreed.

After few month out relationship looks like old marriage. We had sex very rare, i had a feeling like she stopped love me, but she was telling me, how much i mean to her and that she love me. So i came up in depression, i was sitting my 3/4 of day in front of monitor and playing some video games. I dont know if she knows how its bad with me. Only thing i knew is that she just party all the time. After few not nice lies about where she was and with who, i decided to tell her: if u lied me one more time, im coming back to parents.She agreed. And it happened. She begged me to stay, she cried a whole night, but i wanted to punish her for this, she was lying in every possible situation. We broke up, but i still couldnt stop thinking about her, how much i love her and how much she means for me. I always say that fault its on both sited, but for me it was her fault. After week or two i decided to meet her. We talked and we come back together, but she was living in this big city alone, we see each other only on weekends. Month or two passed. I had feeling that she still lie and have some1. For this 4 years i never talk with another girl to hook up or flirt, never, she was everything for me. It was the last chapter of our life together. Im IT technician by trade so somehow i got her Facebook email, password.

When i saw this, my heart just explode, couldnt stop crying and blame myself for everything. She was hanging up with 6 or 7 guys at this time when we lived together. When i moved out, but we still was together. Some guy was coming to her everynight. I saw their conversations. (she was a virgin when she was with me, we just did an anal sex and bj). In this talks i saw that she sends him naked photos for him. Some things how he is good and perfect for her. She told him that she still waiting for the only one guy. I also saw her conversation with her best friend. There was a lot of bad thing about me, that " he leaded into this that i need to hook up with new guys ". You cant imagine how i felt, girl is telling u how much she love u, next day she fucks with some new known guy and she lose virginity with him instead of loyal boyfriend. I tried to kill myself but blood in my veins clotted so i had to go to hospital. Its about week, i cant handle with this, friends are helping me a lot. Its not enough i feel like shit. still want to die but i promise my family that i would not do this anymore. I regret that my first try was not effective. I offend her really much, her best friend also, cuse she knew about it and she didnt tell me, solidarity of bitches... In their minds im the guilty one, it hurts me a lot.

Can some1 give an advice how to deal with it. I appreciate for replies. Hope ill be still alive :D