I have depression to start off with, I thought I lost it after many years of having it. But I just realized that I still had it but didn't accept or realize it. I've been raped three times during the ages of 4-13. I can't go to school anymore because I'm scared of it. (My new school is pretty pathetic, I used to have straight A's but since changing I've only had D's and F's. Considering my first and second school I had A's, this third one sorta put a light of realization on my depression.) I have major anxiety and panic attack issues as well. I was a really fat kid and had used sweaters and hoodies to cover it up throughout primary and middle school. The depression started around the age of 9, 10, or 11. I had this facade of being the funny, ugly girl who was always happy! But inside I was freaking dying of sadness and suicidal thoughts. I attempted suicide multiple times throughout my life. (I'm 16, soon to be 17 now) I became a tomboy until the age of 15. I think it was because I didn't want male attention considering the rapes and also because I couldn't dare to even look at my body in the mirror. Then there's my dad...he's got a bad temper and MAJOR health problems, nearly fatal actually. And he's hit me multiple times, my friends say that I'm only lighthearted about it because I love my dad and can't realize what he's doing to me. I'm the middle child out of three, I assume people know that we aren't given the fairest treatment. I remember being younger and hiding in my closet while he shouted at my mother and hit her, recently he's been taking it out on me. But he loves me, is that why he tires to hurt me to help me? I'd been engaged in few relationships and they all turned sour, with abuse, threatening, cheaters, etc. I was always and still am too gullible, and I'm a hopeless romantic (maybe I'm just hopeless?) and I seek love's song whenever it sings to me. (Okay I feel happy writing that, sounded kinda poetic, i write poems too) I'm an artist, a singer, and avid makeup enthusiast. These help me, sometimes. Sometimes I feel like an attention whore, and sometimes I'm not but people assume I am. (Sort of like a The Boy Who Cried Wolf situation) My own sister asks me why I'm not normal, why I dont act like it. Why can't I be myself? Why do I have to be criticized for it? But then again, I'm a sensitive piece of rice cake. Right now, my parents had some kind of crisis with their company (self employed) and money is scarce. And I don't make good decisions, sometimes I don't know what's good and what's bad, I just do stuff and whatever. I feel like I have no purpose when my friends praise me. I care about others way too much, and never for myself, to the point that it's a burden for me. I don't remember what else to type, I just want someone to see me and want to get an opinion or answer. I just want to know why me? Why I am getting all this flibberflobble in my life? Thank you, KushtheRabbit ^{-^}