To completely misquote Mark Twain I must begin by saying rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

That said, the true tale of where I was for two months is far more horrifying than mere death. 

Some of you I'm sure have heard that I was banned and /u/ComedicSans joined me for a brief stint but whilst elements of that are true it is not the full story.

It all started when... [When making a movie about this pls insert a wobbly visual effect and that music that always accompanies flashbacks.]

I was just finishing up a dank shitpost targeting the menace /u/ComedicSans, no sooner had I submitted it than I heard a sharp knock at my door. 

Well not my door, this is /r/Drama. It was the front door of the house whose basement I dwell in.

Anyway I didn't give a fuck because not my house and the knock hadn't come from the basement door. Also because I was listening to anime opening songs. Fucking baka gaijin interrupting me.

When I next collected the tendies that get passed through the slat in my door (usually every ten minutes) I was tucking in quite happily until everything started getting blurry.

Next thing I knew I was waking up in the back of a van with a crazy headache. I tried screaming but I was ballgagged and when I managed to wiggle around enough (fucking tied hands too) to get my phone out of my pocket it didn't even have any signal so I did the only thing I could think of.

Like everyone here on /r/Drama I've spent years loosening my butthole with various objects to the point that I could safely accommodate a horse. Squatting low in the back of the van I was able to place my loose asshole over my phone and use the crusty mass of matted ass hair and various fluids to slowly pull the phone inside my asshole.

My thinking was that I might have no signal at that moment but if whoever had taken me searched me I didn't want them finding the phone before I could call someone. 

I wasn't too bothered, though I could tell I'd missed a few ten minute tendie breaks because I was fucking hungry. Then the van stopped.

The back doors were flung open and I was greeted by the blinding sun, Dennis Rodman and a large building that looked vaguely familiar. 

I felt my insides clench around my mobile phone in fear as I realised where I was and tried to reason with Dennis Rodman. 

Mmfff mmfff mff was all I could manage, the familiar taste of a well used ballgag sparking a tinge of arousal through the fear.

The Rodman laughed and dragged me from the van and into the North Korean palace. 

What followed was two weeks of hell, not just because I was shoved in a locked room with no body pillows or tendies. 

You see, /u/ComedicSans was also at the palace. Every night Kim Jong-Un would have me brought to his bedroom and force me to watch him be double teamed by Dennis Rodman and /u/ComedicSans. The latter in chains too. The pale lawyers baby smooth balls would splash against Kim Jong-Un's plump face as he gurgled around /u/ComedicSans milky-white penis. On the other end the Rodman would be driving his BBC in and out like the piston on a steam train all the while shooting endless basketball hoops with balls being delivered by a qt3.14 captured K-pop star.

When they were finished Kim Jong-Un would make me drink the results and ask me if I thought having pizzas delivered to his palace was funny still.

The joke was on him though because the fluids were pretty tasty, I think /u/ComedicSans and Dennis Rodman were having pineapple parties. 

Then one night /u/ComedicSans and Dennis Rodman weren't there anymore. 

Kim Jong-Un was really mad for some reason and I thought maybe /u/ComedicSans had been executed. Dennis Rodman had seemed a free man after all.

In a crazy rant Kim Jong-Un told me that /u/ComedicSans had ran away with Dennis Rodman to get married and after he had me executed to make an example of people posting the coordinates of his palace and having pizza delivered he would track down his traitorous lovers. 

I was pretty mad too, I was the one drinking the RodSansUn milkshake this whole time and now I was getting a bullet anyway, fucking bullshit.

As I was being escorted out of Kim Jong-Un's bedroom though I saw my chance. A wifi password had been in the open "DennisRodman4evah". 

When I was in my room awaiting transport to the execution grounds I slipped my phone out of my asshole (a well worn track after these few weeks) and entered the password. 

With this I started devising a plan. You see the North Koreans are small and malnourished and I was feeling stronger than ever thanks to the shared fluids of /u/ComedicSans and Dennis Rodman. They had given me a super strong pineapple protein shake essentially. 

First I had to distract them.

Back in the van and driving down a shitty road I decided to torture the North Koreans with the most powerful mind-destroying substance I knew.

I started shouting out the words. 

"See if you could just stop posting like this and molesting little boys, you wouldn't have to try to assuage your guilt by pretending blackenoids are people." 

I heard a mumble from the front of the van. 

"Allowing blackenoids to rape white women gave us the boon to conservatism that was the failed Obama presidency; I see no reason why the policy wouldn't continue to pay dividends to America's greatness." 

One of the men up front banged the dividing wall and shouted for me to shut up in broken English. 

"What's funny is there are people like u/cosmickeys who think I'm a bad person for calling someone a nigger when they beat a person in the street or kick a dog or whatever other nigger behavior niggers engage in, but think you're an actual human being even though you hate people for literally nothing more than the face they were born with.

And by funny, I mean sad."

The brakes screeched the van to a halt. 

As the mentally broken guards opened the back door to kill me early I thought to myself:  Thanks /u/pol__invictus__risen. 

Using my super strength from the SansRodmanShake I beat them down easily and stole the van.

Two months from my initial disappearance later and a pit stop in California to sell North Korean intel to Reddit admins(I read on /r/all that Spez is the new Hitler so naturally he wants that dank palace) later and I found myself unbanned(apparently Kim Jong-Un complained about his personal info and got me banned but now Reddit can strike at him they aren't holding the ban) and back to shitpost. 

P.s. fuck you for leaving me /u/ComedicSans but say hey to the Rodman.