r/drama: Death Metal vocalist launches crowdfunding campaign to fight a Christian metal vocalist who tried to kill his wife

On or about June 10, 2014, my very fears evinced themselves upon my physique in the first palpable formings of, painfully sensitive, breast enlargement. Panic striken — at these initial signs of gynecomastia, I began to physically shake uncontrollably; shivering with battling anxiety and depression. Such chronic anxiety caused me to compulsively rub and scratch myself excessively and upon unusual places of my person.

On or about July 10, 2014, I noticed my breasts ceased enlargening; having attained gynecomastic maturation, that is, fully formed male mammaries, respectively. The terror I felt at this moment of confirmed maturation has left me traumatized indefinitely. Without further recourse, knowing the situation hopeless; I could not help but test the painful sensitivity of my fully formed breasts with hardened hurtful nipples, I examined my body compulsively, frantically.

On July 11, 2014, I enjoyed visitation with GBDF Doctor John Serra. Serra was the professional to my patient. Serra expressly appreciated my gynecomastic constitution; noted, and treated, the rectal tag I had developed, expedited my (anastrozole) prescription, and ordered my medication be administered effective immediately.

On July 17, 2014, I finally began receiving daily dosages of anastrozole.

By the time I enjoyed my right to adequate medical care — while incarcerated — the damage was done. I now suffer the adverse adornment of fully formed breasts, respectively, upon my physique — that is, a permanent gynecomastic consitution. To date, the pain and ultra-sensitivity associated with my, now, male mammaries remains. Worst of, all is the anxiety and depression I experience just knowing, feeling, seeing, the protuberances that are my male breasts.

As I am a stage performer by profession, much of my act is based upon the visual stimulus of audience perception — i.e., as a front man of leading rockstardom, my continued success is contingent upon my projecting a favorable physical image, Now, with the advent of these unsightly breasts, my music career shall undoubtedly suffer monetarily.

Therefore I demand compensatory relief: recompense the medical cost of the surgeries necessitated to redress my breasts to normal, masculine comforts; recompense the projected costs of psychotherapy thus in treating the mental trauma — e.g., extreme anxiety, severe depression, mental anguish, emotional distress — I continue to endure proximate the, respective, gross negligence and deliberate indifference to my serious medical needs that VDF Nurse Mary Abiaro, GBDF ‘Doctor’ Pace have afforded me; recompense the loss of revenue concerning my career as a stage performer — i.e., the adverse affects, monetary losses, that my unsightly breasts have had upon my illustrious, tremendously marketable and exceedingly profitable, image of commanding physicality. Even my songwriting has been adversely affected as my guitar brushes against my sensitive breasts thus disrupting my very concentration ceasing valuable production.

This is the greatest suit I've ever read.

1 makes_people_cringe 2017-09-04

literally shaking

1 True_Jack_Falstaff 2017-09-04

I feel like the judge is not going to be very sympathetic given his man-boobs are the result of abusing steroids.

1 xhabeascorpusx 2017-09-04

Wait. Tim Lambisis got out?

1 dissident87 2017-09-04

Did his excuse of being all goofed in the brain over steroids hold up in court?

1 xhabeascorpusx 2017-09-04

Likely and combine that with some good old character damage done to his wife it helped. It would have been awesome if he was out in 94 hours.

1 celocanth13 2017-09-04

Christian metal

Everyday we stray farther from god's light

1 Wraith_GraveSpell 2017-09-04

or....closer in this case?

1 HodorTheDoorHolder 2017-09-04

No. God doesn't want to hear any bullshit ass music in "His" name.

1 HydroDragon 2017-09-04

Are you assuming god's gender in (((current year)))?

1 deere442 2017-09-04

this isnt /r/funny pham

1 ironicshitpostr 2017-09-04

Wow you fucked that up good

1 grungebot5000 2017-09-04

kill your parents

1 do0rkn0b 2017-09-04

i knew vaping gave you brain damage.

1 Fokusfaehre 2017-09-04

All the best bands are affiliated with satan

1 robotronica 2017-09-04

God doesn't want to muddy His brand by running the RC cola of Rock and Roll. He knows what his Faithful want, and it's certainly not I-Ron Butterfly.

1 godofchaos 2017-09-04

Hey, whoa, easy there pal. Don't you go maligning RC like that. It's a fine, delicious soda.

1 BigDaddy_Delta 2017-09-04

Hell has the best bands and lawyers

1 satanismyhomeboy 2017-09-04

ass music

Death to all butt metal

1 WingOfWar 2017-09-04

Hey now, Theocracy is some of the best power metal to come out in decades.

1 backltrack 2017-09-04

They were pretty decent tho. Shame he was too much of a pussy to end all this shit himself.

1 Punk_434 2017-09-04

Goshdangit Bobby you're not making christianity better you're just making rock music worse!

1 80BAIT08 2017-09-04

All you need is a kitchen knife to do a Varg. Is funding his legal help early?

1 Wraith_GraveSpell 2017-09-04

Actually his crowdfunder got removed instantly. Inciting violence and all that.

I think it was so he can pay for roids, just to even the odds.

1 SmugSocialistTears 2017-09-04

Don't skip the punch-a-nazi drama in the comment section

1 frozenflameinthewind 2017-09-04

Christian metal vocalist who tried to kill his wife

Yup, those two things don't contradict each other

1 Wraith_GraveSpell 2017-09-04

Better to kill your wife than divorce, according to the bible.

1 GI_X_JACK 2017-09-04

I'd love to see this

1 CIRCLONT6 2017-09-04

modern metal music culture is god fucking awful

1 Wraith_GraveSpell 2017-09-04

obligatory /r/lewronggeneration

1 CIRCLONT6 2017-09-04

the man in that photo is in his 30's, has a nose ring and a skull t-shirt

i think i'm in the clear to call him and people he's associated with a bunch of losers

1 Wraith_GraveSpell 2017-09-04

wow who would have thought that facial piercings and skulls would ever be associated with rock and metal?

Actually I think I've seen that shirt on /r/THE_PACK and I want it.

1 backltrack 2017-09-04

It's better than mid to late 2000s or even the edgy pretend to be actual satanists phase of the early nineties.

1 Wraith_GraveSpell 2017-09-04

Hey don't talk shit about mid 2000s Behemoth. That shit was groundbreaking.

1 backltrack 2017-09-04

Indeed. I was thinking the nu metal of the day for some reason.

1 Teh_Jews 2017-09-04

I'm surprised there hasn't been an Earth Crisis style sXe Metal resurgence (unless I'm oblivious). It seems like it would fit with the times.

1 glmox 2017-09-04

this but unironically

1 backltrack 2017-09-04

Yo I fucking love archspire. Spencer, Dean and olly are tight af. Hope they gangnang tim. It would make a sweet intro.

1 Wraith_GraveSpell 2017-09-04

glad to hear another fan. I've actually played a show with these fools a couple of times and they are absolutely insane. Also love Oliver's sense of humor. I remember he had to shut down his FB account after the Paris attacks for making jokes about taking "shots"

1 backltrack 2017-09-04

Yeah dude. I think Dean released a status relating to it. He was piiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssed

1 TehGroff 2017-09-04

I'm gonna try to go see archspire in October with Origin. Maybe I'll give him $5 towards his campaign in person.

1 oilcompanywithbigdic 2017-09-04

Fuck Tim Lambesis

1 RC_Cockboy 2017-09-04

dem /r/ubc mods can fukk my urethra (or i shall fk theirs (LOL!!) )