Thank you all for the advice. You were right. Me not truly wanting and being ready for marriage and kids now is not selfish and it’s ok. But keeping this from my gf and “stringing” her along is not ok.
So I took your advice and told her these things saying “One day I will want to start a family but I feel I can’t do these things right now because of a mix of me not wanting and also several issues with you. But I do love you and don’t want to break up. So I can’t promise anything about the next 1-2-3 years because I won’t know what’s going to happen. All I can do is judge based on how I feel at the moment” – that’s the main idea anyway
She told me that he’s sad and kind of hurt, but appreciates the honesty. She wants these things with and because of ME, not with someone else. So because she loves me and she can’t leave, so she just hopes that things will change in the near future.
The good side is that I feel she is now making a conscious, informed and adult choice to stay and I’m not “stringing” her along anymore. The bad side is that it doesn’t really change the situation with much: she still wants those things, I still feel incapable of offering them to her at the moment and I still feel under pressure to do it. I also feel guilty and responsible for her age and time in case things don’t work out. Thing is, I really do love her and although I want what’s best for her I can’t just break up and walk away.
Have I acted ok? What do u think?
TL;DR Told GF that I’m not ready for marriage and kids because of a mix of me not wanting and also several issues with her. She said she doesn’t want to break up either so she chose to stay hoping things will change. I feel better now due to the honesty and feel that it’s now her conscious choice to stay with me. On the other hand, I still feel guilty and responsible for her time and wishes... should I ?!?!
Drama that I probably should've let finish brewing before posting here:
Main idea: Dear reddit, I have a question about taking a break from a relationship – and by that I don’t mean sleeping with other people, but just separating physically, going no-contact and being alone for a while. I feel I need to do this because resentment has settled in as a result of some very hurtful things that happened (verbal attacks/abuse e.g. you are a worthless excuse for a man, you’re just like your stupid mother etc. and emotional manipulation) over the past 2 years – no matter the situation I feel I can’t get passed them and I’m rather unhappy, hurt, angry and fed up. Yet I love her and don’t want to end it either. I’m hoping the distance and lack of contact will help me clear my mind and heart so I know what to do (and maybe spark change in her too). Has anyone ever done that? Did it help you in any way?
We tried couples therapy with...I’d say...barely medium results (like verbal/emotional attacks diminished but not gone 100%, and she's a bit more relaxed). I developed depression and anxiety over the past year and very strong resentment towards her and am having problems accepting and living with the past. On the other hand I still love her very much and I can’t imagine leaving her either, and the positives keep me going. I feel the need to separate from all this and just make it all go away, hoping that the time off and silence will show me if I truly miss her or I’m better off alone and quiet (maybe teach her a lesson too). So, has anyone had experience with separation and no-contact?
TL;DR Regardless of good times and improvements (as a result of couples therapy) strong resentment has settled in towards my gf as a result of verbal & emotional attacks (or abuse?) and behavioural differences for the past 2 years. I am very hurt, filled with anger and fed up. Yet I still love her very much and don’t want to end things. I am contemplating temporary separation and no contact (no cheating) to see if I am better off alone (and make her change too). Does this method ever work?
Oh, man. I think I read a similar one to the original thread, possibly the same, some time back. People literally called the guy worthless and without value in the world because he didn't want to immediately get married and give his girlfriend a case of the baybays.
That sub is the last place any man should ever, ever go for advice.
Thank you all for the advice. You were right. Me not truly wanting and being ready for marriage and kids now is not selfish and it’s ok.
Why did the guy say that if most everyone had been telling him he was worthless and without value because he didn't want to get married? I don't understand why I'm supposed to be getting pissed off.
/u/nomasmustache breaking up is never easy, especially when you think you've found the one person to spend the rest of your life with. Hope you find happiness dear.
25 comments
1 SnapshillBot 2017-12-09
We can submit quotes?
Snapshots:
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1 DudeCat 2017-12-09
For the inevitable deletion:
Drama that I probably should've let finish brewing before posting here:
1 starship_litterbox 2017-12-09
Say it with me now. MALE. PRIVILEGE. PATRIARCHAL. OPPRESSION.
1 Gil-Gandel 2017-12-09
Tschoh. Selfish men keeping their sperm to themselves.
1 OniTan 2017-12-09
This is why I give cunts free sperm.
1 lickedTators 2017-12-09
Free? Hah, loser. I get paid to give cunts my sperm. Some bussies too.
1 imnotagayboy 2017-12-09
These women are idiots, dont they know they can just poke a hole in the condom and get child support lmao
"There Is No Future But What We Make Of Of It" - u/imnotagayboy
1 DudeCat 2017-12-09
A signature for Reddit posts? Keep Yourself Safe.
1 imnotagayboy 2017-12-09
Thanks friendo, remember Safety 3rd!
"There Is No Future But What We Make Of Of It" - u/imnotagayboy
1 shallowm 2017-12-09
This is another relevant, but now deleted thread that the top comment is referencing.
Text of the OP:
1 starship_litterbox 2017-12-09
Oh, man. I think I read a similar one to the original thread, possibly the same, some time back. People literally called the guy worthless and without value in the world because he didn't want to immediately get married and give his girlfriend a case of the baybays.
That sub is the last place any man should ever, ever go for advice.
1 Think_Once 2017-12-09
From now on every men should go to /r/menslib for advice. Much better choice than /r/relationshops, courtesy of /u/starship_litterbox.
1 starship_litterbox 2017-12-09
WRONG. I recommend r/drama for men. Unless you're a mayo pussy and then I wouldn't recommend it.
1 Think_Once 2017-12-09
The only advice men can find here is to either die if they are white or be gay otherwise.
1 menvaren 2017-12-09
Which is good advice either way.
1 imaginarycreatures 2017-12-09
I mean, it does solve your women problems, at the very least.
1 TherapyFortheRapy 2017-12-09
It probably is a much better choice, in much the same way that sticking a hook in your mouth is a better choice than sticking it in your ass.
1 Diogenes2XLantern 2017-12-09
If even one person falls for that you are going straight to hell.
1 GARBAGE_MACHINE 2017-12-09
The only difference between those two subs is:
1 Think_Once 2017-12-09
FTFY
1 parameciidae 2017-12-09
Why did the guy say that if most everyone had been telling him he was worthless and without value because he didn't want to get married? I don't understand why I'm supposed to be getting pissed off.
1 FedaykinShallowGrave 2017-12-09
Women have killed themselves after hearing their advice; it's an absolute cesspool of retardation. Makes it quite entertaining tbh.
1 neveryousay3 2017-12-09
.......Yeah that sub is clearly NOT full of women in their early 30's.
1 wokeaspie 2017-12-09
I don't blame her, poor girl can feel her ovaries drying up and that ticking gets louder every year. OP better make sure she's taking her pills.
1 tencmwhenerect 2017-12-09
/u/nomasmustache breaking up is never easy, especially when you think you've found the one person to spend the rest of your life with. Hope you find happiness dear.
1 nomasmustache 2017-12-09
Thank you.