When I first witnessed the brutal rape of local girl gamer cherryX420_unicorn, I was so enraged at the LoL guild responsible that I sort of lost my mind. I have since viewed gamers with great suspicion, and to this day whenever GG would threaten to rape and brutally murder women in lobbies and chat, I would be reminded of seeing cherryX420_unicorn's blood dripping down her thighs as a teenager in a purple and green striped hoodie thrust his hardened cock into her unwilling vagina. He was a ginger with beady eyes, and I'll never forget the words he said to me: "Oy vey, goyim, get wrecked or git gud."

So imagine my surprise when, last night during a random bathroom encounter with strange men on a dark highway in a state far from my home, I saw Zoe Quinn injecting fix-a-flat into her tire at a rest stop. I asked her if she could use some help and she grimaced, pulled her coat closed and wrapped her arms around her chest. She slipped off into the darkness and I realized to my horror that it was MY car she'd been tampering with, and that it was actually a corrosive agent she'd been planting in my wheel to murder me.

It all came crashing down then, the truth about ethics in journalism, the wild rape gangs of male feminists, the incels whose fingers stroke the keyboards which really are but tools of male liberation.

I'm so, so sorry gamer men. You are the last front in the fight to stop the SJW infiltration of unique, interesting men's hobbies. I will never forget your willingness to accept me for who I am, and the way I hurt you when I coldly rejected you. I would like to give you my full support, so I have already chosen a small gaming blog that reviews games through a "social justice lens" to stalk and harass. I will prove my worth to you and pull my weight. Starting today I am a new man.