I am le centrist.

1  2018-03-06 by RaiseRedux

Hey guys my name is Sam the Centrist. I've made it my life's mission to sidestep decision making. My entire life is a string of avoiding important choices. Because I refuse to take any risks, I have had little success in my life. I graduated high school with a 2.9 GPA and now I'm the assistant manager of the biggest Staples in the tristate area. College? Costs too much money, too risky. Military? I refuse to be the government's cannon fodder. Instead, I work 50 hours a week stocking shelves in one of America's fastest dying industries.

But enough about work. I spend my free time on the internet dismissing arguments left and right to assert my smug centrist attitude. Conservatives? More like cuckservatives amirite. Liberals? More like libturds amirite. I pretend to be above frivolous politics yet I can't shut the fuck up about the latest political hot button topic.

I have literally no defining traits because I cannot commit to anything. I am the most boring human being on earth. I never have anything interesting to say. I can't hold a conversation with another human being for longer than 2 minutes without awkward silence setting in, because I refuse to put a stake in anything that would define me as a human being.

Have you heard about horseshoe theory?

3 comments

1  scatmunchies 2018-03-06

Gay

1  RaiseRedux 2018-03-06

I'm asexual. I can't be assed with dedicating myself to a sexuality.

1  Ed_ButteredToast 2018-03-06

You hear this a lot: "A thread died for this." While accurate, this phrase generally carries no weight. But just this once, if you would do me a favor and hear me out, it would do all of us a lot of good.

A. Thread. Died. For this. You woke up this morning, poured yourself a bowl of Faggot Flakes, moistened them with your impotent Faggot prostate milk (which IS in fact impotent, because you're a fucking faggot) and, within seconds, decided that today of all days would be the time you decide to cut your synapse firing quota by just a little too much.

So you hopped online, carved out this uninspired chicken scratch, probably failed the captcha once for every strand of peach fuzz on your half-empty sack, and clicked Submit.

At that moment, a thread died. A thread that could have been bumped. A thread that could have been resurrected with content, or valuable discourse between its denizens. Hell, it could've even been bumped for absolutely no reason. And that would've been okay. Because, had it survived, a few more seconds could have been spent without having had your abortion of a post been born in this world.

1  RaiseRedux 2018-03-06

Stop stalking me

1  buttermyself 2018-03-06

Le fentanyl. Le quickly.