I can lift a fully-grown horse above my head, and I can hold my breath for ten minutes. To settle a wager, I once ate a pound of P.B. Fouke's strongest badger poison and then ran a mile in the nude. I cannot feel pain, and I can see for two miles unaided by a lens. No man can kill me. I have beaten a man of every race in formal combat, including a Turk, a Pygmy Negro Man and a rare Deepwater Jew. A medical doctor and two priests have written and signed a document confirming that I have no soul. There is no species of fauna in America which I have not personally killed and skinned. I will never sire a child because I loathe women. I bathe only once a year in an icy pond. I have burnt down one church per month for the last thirty years, and I will never be brought to justice because all lawmen fear me.

Anyways, I had arranged to meet with a woman named Claire. She invited me over to her place after making the first move. A little forward I think to myself, but hey it's CURRENT_YEAR after all, why not? And so I drove over to her quaint little abode a few miles north of campus. Upon knocking I would've sworn I heard multiple voices.

She opens the door and moonlight illuminates her features. I think to myself, "Okay, product as advertised, so far so good." She beckoned me in quickly, offering me a drink and guiding me to the living room. The multiple voice enigma had all but faded from my mind. The place appeared to be as empty as my collection of clever similes. After the usual smalltalk she puts on the tv for we had agreed prior that we were to watch the entirety of the bee movie in French. I know what you're thinking. French!? How will you keep up with the plot!? What kind of madman are you?

But yes. French was not a problem for Claire and I had both committed the entirety of the bee movie script to memory. 20 minutes in we are amazing each other with our fluency of the bee movie script. Finding each new quotation as arousing as the last. Suffice to say tension is building. "What do you say we narrate this fantastic film with the lights off," she suggests. I agree gladly excited by the prospect. With the light no longer absorbing the darkness of the room we our engulfed in it and in our bee movie fervor we literally start to perceive one another as bees. She begins slowly buzzing her wings against my stinger. I cry out that she must stop both for her sake and mine as we all know bees may only sting once before they are swallowed into the abyss. But she lives for danger or so she tells me. After bringing me very near the point of certain stinging demise she lessons the beat of her wings. You'd think I'd be relieved but my thoughts merely echoed the age old song of our people. Yellow black. Yellow black. Black yellow? Yes.

She leads me to a flower. She flies upstairs. I follow. Waiting for us in the upstairs bedroom is...you guessed it. An enormous flower mine for the pollination. In my excitement to help the flower reproduce asexually I forget my fellow bee's presence. Time slipped by. An eternity may have been a second and a second an eternity, truly time itself was bending around me as I pollinated that flower. As if awoken from a dream, the lights come on. There never was a flower. I look down to see a strange naked man before me and reality strikes. Claire sits behind me cackling with a laughter that made my skin crawl. "The bee movie is a joke," she yells. Too stunned and hurt to even reply I promptly run out of the home and drive away. To this day I still don't know what was in the drink I consumed. Perhaps I was merely entranced by my love for the world's greatest film. I can only say what I saw and experienced. What actually transpired is still a mystery to me. All I know for certain is that the following week I tested positive for chlamydia.