I should’ve done this sooner.
5 2018-08-14 by Etra
Xanax, Benadryl, and beer. According to eveyrthing I’ve read, that’s a lethal combination. Who’d miss me?
5 2018-08-14 by Etra
Xanax, Benadryl, and beer. According to eveyrthing I’ve read, that’s a lethal combination. Who’d miss me?
18 comments
1 normie_girl 2018-08-14
I dunno you but you are worthy and valuable and you shouldn't kys.
Call your family and ask for help
1 Etra 2018-08-14
You’re right you don’t know me. I am, however, absolutely sure “worthy” and “valuable” are not appropriate adjectives to describe me.
I’ve asked for help from my family. They try, but they don’t understand how difficult it it to live with bipolar disorder. It doesn’t help that my mom will list my younger brother’s accomplishments and ask why I can’t be like him.
Nah, I’d rather peace out and they’d mourn and all that for a time. but in deepest parts of their hearts they’d be glad I’m gone.
1 normie_girl 2018-08-14
Your mum would absolutely not be glad you're gone. Even if you're the biggest fuckup on earth. She probably loves you more than anything man.
Sometimes people don't realise how their words and comparisons to other people impacts us.
1 MrAlphonzo 2018-08-14
I don't know you either, but I think I'd miss you. Don't let what other people say make you think less of yourself. I've lost way too many family members to mental health issues, I'd hate to see something similar happen to someone else, even if you're a stranger.
I'm sure a lot of drama queens around here would mourn you, too.
Don't give up homie, get some help.
1 preserved_fish 2018-08-14
RES tells me I've upvoted you six times, so there's at least that modicum of value there. Your folks probably have you in the hundreds of thousands, even if they're bad at communicating it.
Also, that cocktail isn't really all that lethal. It's more likely to make you sleep through work or class and fuck your daily life up more than kill you. Best to avoid either way.
1 Etra 2018-08-14
You were right; it just made me sick. But I only took 10x 1 mg Xanax. However, I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow and I’m fairly positive a fully 45 mg will allow me to die. If that doesn’t work, I’ve got some heroin I’ve been saving for a good day. But I don’t have good days anymore and heroin seems like a great way to die.
1 shitpost953 2018-08-14
Etra pls don't do this. Not only are there people in your life that I'm sure will miss you, there are people on this forum that will miss you.
Okay maybe that's not enough.. I used to think about suicide all the time... nearly constantly. But I'm glad now that I didn't do it. It's a very permanent solution.
Come to the discord and hang out with us. No one even has to know it's you. https://discord.gg/6YNt6sC
1 Etra 2018-08-14
Being suicidal has made me very cynical. So in my mind, you trying to prevent me from committing suicide is your attempt placating your own guilt at being unable to help someone close to you. Yes, that’s a very unfair thing of me say but it’s what I think. If what I think is true, you don’t really care about me. How could you since you don’t really know me? Rather, you’re using this to do something for yourself.
Now imagine thinking this way about everything anyone does. If I may be modest, I have a very active imagination and despite acting like a retard all the time on the internet, I’m actually very intelligent. Basically, nobody cares about me and I’m really good at coming up with reasons why they’d pretend to care. Generally, they act as if they care because society says they have to. I don’t trust anyone, I don’t like anyone, I don’t respect anyone, and to be frank, and I mean this in the least edgy way possible, I don’t particularly care if people die. My dad died this past March and I felt nothing. No tears, no sadness, mostly I thought about how fucked I am with multiple strokes and cancer on both sides of my family.
Anyway, nobody is going to read all that. Really only serves to support the points I’ve made, I think.
1 shitpost953 2018-08-14
you think too much. of course I barely know you. that doesn't really change anything, and what I do know of you I like. but even if you were a complete stranger I would urge you not to kill yourself unless you were in a very particular set of circumstances. I don't have to know you to wish you well. Claiming I am doing this simply for myself is frankly a cop-out and an abdication of responsibility on your part. A way to brush aside my solicitations. Doing such is of course your prerogative, but be truthful to yourself about it.
you sound very nihilistic.. I used to be that way myself.
then I opted for hedonism and my life has been better (or at least I don't think about killing myself all the time anymore).
everything is meaningless except for the value you give it, maybe you have discovered this.
All I can recommend is either talking to a professional or more shitposting. Suicide is very rarely a logical solution, especially to nihilism. It is very permanent and taking the action means you believe something has value.
1 Etra 2018-08-14
Thanks for reading my post. I appreciate it.
I’m fully away my cynicism and my thought process in general is a way to place the blame on other people instead of admitting when everything is my own fault. Honestly though, that just makes a stronger case for offing myself.
I don’t know if this is the kind of music you like, but this song really did a good job of expressing how I feel and maybe it’d resonate with you too: Badflower - Ghost. The video is really good, in my opinion. And pay close attention to the end.
1 shitpost953 2018-08-14
np and same to you
It doesn't make a case for you to off yourself. It's just a coping mechanism. Everyone has them. Some of them work better than others. Some of them are more sustainable than others.
I like all types of music but I'm not very "well read".. Thanks this was a good song, I don't think i'd heard/seen it before.
"This life is overwhelming and I'm ready for the next one". There is no next life, though, and there's definitely nothing romantic about suicide. It's just tragedy... predictable and banal and not even final.
How did you get heroin? did you used to do it?? seems like you aren't still wired if you have some just hanging around at your house. Not typical of a daily user.
1 Etra 2018-08-14
My coping mechanism is knowing no matter how bad things get, I have a way to end it all. It’s actually helped me take risks and do things I typically wouldn’t because I knew no matter what, “fuck this” was always an option.
The end of the video shows the mannequin/fiancé with her hand turned and her ring on the car’s keychain. The implication is she turned the car off to save his life and is sort of saying she wants him to continue living even without her.
At the university I attended, there were a lot of foreign students from all over, but one in particular was this somewhat shady Middle Eastern guy. I took an online test for him and as payment he handed me a tiny baggie. I was like, wtf is this. It turned out to be pure, uncut heroin. I’m a recreational user of various substances but I knew enough about heroin to stay away from it so I didn’t use it, but I didn’t throw it away either. Instead, I kept it as my back-up suicide plan. Plus with my prescribed Xanax, if I used the heroin and Xanax to kill myself at least it would be highly enjoyable.
1 shitpost953 2018-08-14
what made you decide now is the time? what has changed to make it that much more unbearable?
1 Etra 2018-08-14
I think for most people it’s a cumulative effect of things happening that eventually leads to an avalanche. Small things here and there you’d find annoying but could shrug off. Now include bipolar disorder and a lifetime of major depression and the “shrugging things odd” part becomes more and more difficult. There comes a turning point where you stop telling yourself it’ll be okay and more asking yourself if continuing to live is truly worth the effort. I’d say I’m at exactly that point where I’m genuinely unsure why I’m even bothering with anyone or anything anymore.
I don’t want to specify details of what’s changed for me since that’d not only make it easier to dox me but to contact the local police and have me forcibly admitted for a psychiatric hold.
1 shitpost953 2018-08-14
it's np at all. anytime you want to talk hmu, I don't have much of a life. I'm glad you are feeling a bit better though.
no one wants to hear it but you should maybe try calling one of those numbers. they don't have to know who you are and may be able to get you some resources or at least a trained councillor. take care my dude.
1 preserved_fish 2018-08-14
Sorry, I guess?
Suicide is the one thing even more boring than real life.
1 Etra 2018-08-14
You’ve got nothing to be sorry about. You were correct.
In my opinion, how you die can be the best thing in the world. Heroin is arguably the best feeling in the world. Add in Xanax, which is supposed to potentiate heroin, and you’d die wondering what took you so long to decide to do this. Further down the thread, I mentioned having some heroin I’d kept as a back-up plan and I’m prescribed Xanax. I’ve got everything I need to go out in the best way possible if I really wanted to. Thinking back now, I realize I hadn’t actually wanted to die since I didn’t use the heroin I had, but now it’s all that’s occupying my mind.
1 shitpost953 2018-08-14
you shouldn't bank on having good times in your suicide dose.
I've done heroin and xanax and alot of other drugs.. If you do enough to kys you wouldn't have more than a few minutes lucid enough to enjoy it before you slip into an unconsciousness that will result in respitory failure.
Killing yourself is such a profound thing that any pleasure derived in the process, especially the tiny amount likely, should be insignificant.
1 charming_tainter 2018-08-14
Before doing that you should go do something risky like blindly moving to a country you've never been to and/or lying your way into a job you're unqualified for. You'll find you can't really think of suicide when you're daily life offers new obstacles in an unfamiliar environment. Happiness is fleeting, it's something you can't hold onto but an interesting life is the next best thing and its attainable. It wards off complacency which even happiness can't do
1 shitpost953 2018-08-14
etra if you need to talk we are here.. this is a bad idea and more importantly a bad look
1 justcool393 2018-08-14
I would.