It's bulb-planting season, but are any worth the bother? Certainly not the hideous daffodil, says John Crace
There was a scene in a recent episode of The Inbetweeners when Jay took a golfclub to a neighbour's daffodils. I know how he feels. The moment those yellow and white buds start to open, I am overwhelmed by an urge to give them a kicking. Yes, I know they are the first sign of spring and I'm usually the first to be celebrating the return of warmth and daylight. But for daffodils I will happily make an exception.
They are just so dull – the bulbs people stick in the ground because they haven't the imagination to choose anything else. "It'll be a nice splash of colour, come the spring," they say. Well, no, it won't actually. You will have a hideous display that wouldn't look out of place on one of Milton Keynes's many roundabouts. Even worse, before the bulbs come up you'll have a desolate patch of bare earth and once the flowers have died you will be left with a load of pointless green leaves sticking out the ground for another six weeks. And then you're back to bare earth again ...
Why do so many people plant daffodils? Being dirt cheap helps, I suppose. Almost anyone can turn their garden into Torquay for about £25. You might be able to do it for a lot less if you're clever. A couple of years ago, a nearby garage was giving away a bag of daff bulbs to anyone who spend more than £20 on petrol. I made a point of only buying £19 worth at a time.
And, of course, daffodils have the distinct advantage of not being tulips. At least daffs stick to whites, yellows and oranges. Tulips also go for the full-on headache colours. And in the most hideous shapes. Whoever first crossbred a parrot tulip did garden aesthetics a great disservice.
So, what kind of bulbs should you bother with? A few snowdrops don't go amiss, although they've often died by the time you're ready to brave the elements and go outside to look for them. And the fritillaria meleagris are OK in small doses.
But for the big, bold statement there can only be one bulb: the fritillaria imperialis. It comes in yellow or reddy-orange and stands proudly 2-3ft tall. Is it vulgar? Of course it is – that's its point. But it is unusual, striking and architectural. It will make your garden stand out. A place you want to be, rather than a background to cover. They aren't cheap, mind. If you buy online, each bulb will cost you about £3.50. Six will make a show, eight will make a statement. What are you waiting for?
I had cargo zip shorts that were pants you could unzip at the knee and remove the part that covered your lower leg.
I also had a pair of pants years ago that had like 15 pockets, some with zippers and or velcro, in a variety of sizes, very good for sneaking shit into parties.
29 comments
1 SnapshillBot 2019-04-27
I can take a 9-inch dildo up my butt, because I'm an adult and I solve my own problems
Snapshots:
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1 wootfatigue 2019-04-27
But can you fit it in your pocket? Didn’t think so.
1 rsrfy 2019-04-27
This is the real reason why women hate when men wear cargo shorts, don't believe otherwise.
1 LucidHuckleberry 2019-04-27
My wife threw out all my cargo shorts 😭 so now I hide the new ones in the truck.
1 MGTOWWOM 2019-04-27
Is this why you're living out of it?
1 LucidHuckleberry 2019-04-27
Naw, I’m living out of it because it’s spring and the house reeks of baby shit
1 MGTOWWOM 2019-04-27
Mine smells of daffodils. You might want to replace or institutionalize your housekeeper.
1 xlhat 2019-04-27
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden
1 MGTOWWOM 2019-04-27
Floral drama:
Why I hate daffodils
It's bulb-planting season, but are any worth the bother? Certainly not the hideous daffodil, says John Crace
There was a scene in a recent episode of The Inbetweeners when Jay took a golfclub to a neighbour's daffodils. I know how he feels. The moment those yellow and white buds start to open, I am overwhelmed by an urge to give them a kicking. Yes, I know they are the first sign of spring and I'm usually the first to be celebrating the return of warmth and daylight. But for daffodils I will happily make an exception.
They are just so dull – the bulbs people stick in the ground because they haven't the imagination to choose anything else. "It'll be a nice splash of colour, come the spring," they say. Well, no, it won't actually. You will have a hideous display that wouldn't look out of place on one of Milton Keynes's many roundabouts. Even worse, before the bulbs come up you'll have a desolate patch of bare earth and once the flowers have died you will be left with a load of pointless green leaves sticking out the ground for another six weeks. And then you're back to bare earth again ...
Why do so many people plant daffodils? Being dirt cheap helps, I suppose. Almost anyone can turn their garden into Torquay for about £25. You might be able to do it for a lot less if you're clever. A couple of years ago, a nearby garage was giving away a bag of daff bulbs to anyone who spend more than £20 on petrol. I made a point of only buying £19 worth at a time.
And, of course, daffodils have the distinct advantage of not being tulips. At least daffs stick to whites, yellows and oranges. Tulips also go for the full-on headache colours. And in the most hideous shapes. Whoever first crossbred a parrot tulip did garden aesthetics a great disservice.
So, what kind of bulbs should you bother with? A few snowdrops don't go amiss, although they've often died by the time you're ready to brave the elements and go outside to look for them. And the fritillaria meleagris are OK in small doses.
But for the big, bold statement there can only be one bulb: the fritillaria imperialis. It comes in yellow or reddy-orange and stands proudly 2-3ft tall. Is it vulgar? Of course it is – that's its point. But it is unusual, striking and architectural. It will make your garden stand out. A place you want to be, rather than a background to cover. They aren't cheap, mind. If you buy online, each bulb will cost you about £3.50. Six will make a show, eight will make a statement. What are you waiting for?
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/gardening-blog/2010/oct/20/why-i-hate-daffodils
1 LongPostBot 2019-04-27
I've known more coherent downies.
I am a bot. Contact for questions
1 xlhat 2019-04-27
[Thomas the Tank Engine had to shut the hell up to save children everywhere Tracy Van Slyke
Classism, sexism, anti-environmentalism bordering on racism: any parent who discovered these hidden lessons will be glad the show’s star just quit.](https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jul/22/thomas-the-tank-engine-children-parents#comments)
1 wootfatigue 2019-04-27
Cargo pants are great because if you ever have an emergency shit you can rip one of the pockets off to wipe your ass with.
1 acidoverbasic 2019-04-27
But we have purses so lol
1 agendaposter 2019-04-27
upvoted to 10.5k
1 HodorTheDoorHolder_ 2019-04-27
All women on Reddit are automatically subscribed to that sub when they make an account.
1 byobombs 2019-04-27
Oh wow epic epic epic win right here ladies! THIS is how you dismantle the patriarchy! Take notes TAKE NOTES
1 gornack 2019-04-27
Self harming to own the patriarchy
1 necrocannibal2 2019-04-27
women really are a meme gender, Jesus Christ
1 Karma-Means-Nothing 2019-04-27
Pickachu.flv
1 bareballzthebitch 2019-04-27
I had cargo zip shorts that were pants you could unzip at the knee and remove the part that covered your lower leg.
I also had a pair of pants years ago that had like 15 pockets, some with zippers and or velcro, in a variety of sizes, very good for sneaking shit into parties.
1 ExilesReturn 2019-04-27
The ones that unzip at the knee are fishing pants
1 Malarial 2019-04-27
These femgroids show a lack of understanding regarding supply and demand economics.
Manufacturers sell them pocketless clothes because that's what they buy.
The power is theirs to change this situation.
But these are the same people who blame men for them shaving their own armpits.
1 BasicallyADoctor 2019-04-27
It's actually against the law for women to buy men's products
1 pi_over_3 2019-04-27
THEN BUY PANTS WITH POCKETS TOU STUPID FUCKS
1 left_attacks 2019-04-27
Wait, what size is this hambeast that his pants pockets allow an entire ipad in them.
1 SlowFatHusky 2019-04-27
Ipads aren't that big. They're tablets for manlets and midgets.
1 SideFumbling 2019-04-27
Women do not have real things to complain about and this is proof positive.
1 VidiotGamer 2019-04-27
What is up with this retarded meme where women pretend that they can't get clothing with pockets because of some fucking conspiracy?
1 I_dontevenlift 2019-04-27
Lmao an iPad? I hide my ar15 in my back pocket. When I showed my lady friend we got married