I pulled a shit out of my ass the other day. I don't mean that as some sort of slang for dropping a deuce. I don't even mean that I painstakingly coaxed it out of my ass with the precise combination of sphincter/bowel control.

I mean that once that thing stopped its slow descent into the toilet, hopelessly stuck in my nether regions, hardened like Portland cement, I pulled that thing out of my ass. It was like a piece of #8 rebar (and ribbed similarly too) just hanging from my precious funnel of innocence that wouldn't budge. It had the compressive strength of prestressed concrete, so I couldn't just push it back up. Luckily I had a fairly sharp philips head screwdriver in the bathroom vanity drawer. Bracing myself on the inward slope of the toilet lid, I stabbed through the viscous log like I was doweling a wood project. With the screwdriver slightly bent from the stress, I managed to use both my hands on either end and TUG at that fucking thing until it had deposited its remains square into the toilet bowl.

Only problem is the thing didn't flush. I have been leaving it in water for 2 days now, hoping that the submersion will soften it up enough to both retrieve my screwdriver and to finally be rid of this hideous brown beast.

That was a mistake. You're about to find out the hard way why.

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Just eat it