One of the most common questions I hear from parents is: How can I get my kid to LISTEN to me?
Kids have a lot on their minds, from the history test to the soccer tryouts to the newest computer game. Parents can be dismally low on their list. Not to mention that when the brain is rewiring at age six, and again at age twelve, they can feel overwhelmed by outside stimuli and tune you out. Even toddlers are very busy, since their job description is exploring and tearing your house apart.
So kids have other things to think about. They also have different priorities, and they don't understand at all why it's so important to take their bath right this minute!
Of course, the parents who ask me how to get their child to listen aren't really talking about listening. They're talking about how to get their child to take in what they say--and take action! Here's how.
Don't start talking until you have your child's attention.
Connect BEFORE you start speaking. That means you can't bark orders from across the room and expect to get through.
Instead, move in close. Get down on your child's level and touch him lightly. Observe what he's doing and connect with him by making a comment about it: "Wow, look at that train go!" Brain research has found that when we feel connected to another person, we're more open to their influence, so you're making it easy for him to listen to you. But you aren't manipulating, you're acknowledging respect for what's important to him.
Wait until he looks up. Look him in the eye. Then start talking. If he doesn't look up, make sure you have his attention by asking "Can I tell you something?" When he looks up, then start talking.
(Don't be surprised when your child begins using this technique to get your attention before he tells you something. And if you want him to keep listening, you'll need to listen back!)
Don't repeat yourself.
If you've asked once and not gotten a response, don't just repeat yourself. You don't have your child's attention. Go back to Step One, above.
Use fewer words.
Most of us dilute our message and lose our child's attention by using too many words. Use as few words as possible when you give instructions.
See it from his point of view.
If you were busy with something you liked doing and your partner ordered you to stop doing it and do something else that was not a priority to you, how would you feel? Might you tune out your partner? Your child doesn't have to share your priorities, he just has to accommodate your needs. And you don't have to share his priorities, but it will help immensely if you can acknowledge how much he wants to keep doing whatever he's doing.
"I know it's hard to stop playing, Honey. And now I need you to....."
Engage cooperation.
No one wants to listen to someone who's giving orders; in fact, it always stimulates resistance. Think about how you feel when someone orders you around. Instead, keep your tone warm. When possible, give choices.
"It's bath time, Sweetie. Do you want to go now or in five minutes? Ok, five minutes with no fuss? Let's shake on it." If you really need it done NOW, phrase it as a command, but keep the warmth and empathy: "We agreed to go inside in five minutes, and it has been five minutes. I know, you wish you could stay outside and play all night. When you grow up, I bet you'll play all night every night! Now, it's time to go in. Let's go."
Stay calm.
When we get upset, kids feel unsafe and go into fight or flight. In their effort to defend themselves or to fight back, they become LESS effective at listening, and lose sight of our message. If your priority is getting everyone in the car, don't waste time and energy lecturing them about why they didn't listen to you and get ready when you first asked. That will just make everyone more upset, including you. Take a deep breath, help her find her shoe and help him on with his backpack. Once you're in the car, you can ask them to help you brainstorm ways to get out of the house on time.
Set up routines.
Most of parents' communication to kids consists of nagging. No wonder children don't listen. The more routines you have, the less you have to be a drill sergeant. What kinds of routines? Habits, like what the kids do before they leave the house (brush teeth, use toilet, pack backpack, put on shoes, etc.) If you take photos of your child doing these tasks and put them onto a small poster, your child will learn them over time. Put her in charge of what she needs to do. She'll have a new skill and your role will be limited to asking questions:
"What else do you have to do before you leave the house? Let's check your schedule."
Listen.
If you stare at your screen while your child tells you about his day, you're role modeling how communication is handled in your family. If you really want your child to listen to you, stop what you're doing and listen. It only takes a few minutes. Start this when he's a preschooler and he'll still be willing to talk to you when he's a teenager. You'll be so glad you did.
Watch for understanding.
Most of the time when kids don't "listen" they just haven't tuned in to us. But if your child repeatedly seems unable to process your instructions, she may have an auditory processing disorder. Adopt the tips above and experiment with giving your child multi-step instructions. If you're concerned, consult with your pediatrician for referral to an audiologist.
10. Pare down your orders to what's really non-negotiable.
If you worked for someone who constantly badgered you with orders, would you feel like cooperating? You don't want every interaction with your child to be an order. So maximize the loving, happy interactions, and minimize the orders.
What in the actual fuck is this, though? If you can't keep the attention of a fucking child then how the fuck did you keep the attention of someone of the opposite gender long enough to reproduce? I swear, working with kids is the most stupidly easy thing to do that I'm convinced that people who supposedly struggle with it are just intentionally not giving a fuck and then playing dumb about it.
Have you noticed how of all car communities, online and offline, this is one of the most welcoming and least gate-keep-y?
gatekeeping to some degree is integral to a good community, that way you'll have guys who actually know cars and can share expertise. compare r/cars or even more individual vehicle oriented subreddits to old school forums, the discussion on the forums will be more relevant 100% of the time. having recently owned a 65 mustang and a 94 jeep cherokee, both which needed lots of work, nearly every single DIY job i needed to do was laid out on some forum post from like 2003. reddit, nothing, just pictures of cars and sunsets
to old school forums, the discussion on the forums will be more relevant 100% of the time. having recently owned a 65 mustang and a 94 jeep cherokee, both which needed lots of work, nearly every single DIY job i needed to do was laid out on some forum post from like 2003.
We tried really hard, but half the posts are "liberals" this and "republicans" that. "Commifornia," "California isn't america," and so on. Sorry we couldn't play nicely, the thread is locked.
California isn't America and Californians aren't people
I have a thick skin and it doesn't wear on me. If it makes you feel better, feel free to be a coward and hide behind the anonymity of reports. It won't make a difference, I basically view anyone doing it as a mediocre markov chain.
If anyone is wondering what it's like to be an online janitor, it's this.
I have a thick skin and it doesn't wear on me. If it makes you feel better, feel free to be a coward and hide behind the anonymity of reports. It won't make a difference, I basically view anyone doing it as a mediocre markov chain. Your salty tears only hurt you.
23 comments
1 AutoModerator 2019-07-05
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1 SnapshillBot 2019-07-05
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1 Kaiser-romulus 2019-07-05
Did someone say y’all 🤠🤠🤠🤠
But once again jannies lock shit for zero reason. Really locking because someone said liberals and commifornia
1 mr_sams_anus_2 2019-07-05
One of the most common questions I hear from parents is: How can I get my kid to LISTEN to me?
Kids have a lot on their minds, from the history test to the soccer tryouts to the newest computer game. Parents can be dismally low on their list. Not to mention that when the brain is rewiring at age six, and again at age twelve, they can feel overwhelmed by outside stimuli and tune you out. Even toddlers are very busy, since their job description is exploring and tearing your house apart.
So kids have other things to think about. They also have different priorities, and they don't understand at all why it's so important to take their bath right this minute!
Of course, the parents who ask me how to get their child to listen aren't really talking about listening. They're talking about how to get their child to take in what they say--and take action! Here's how.
Connect BEFORE you start speaking. That means you can't bark orders from across the room and expect to get through.
Instead, move in close. Get down on your child's level and touch him lightly. Observe what he's doing and connect with him by making a comment about it: "Wow, look at that train go!" Brain research has found that when we feel connected to another person, we're more open to their influence, so you're making it easy for him to listen to you. But you aren't manipulating, you're acknowledging respect for what's important to him.
Wait until he looks up. Look him in the eye. Then start talking. If he doesn't look up, make sure you have his attention by asking "Can I tell you something?" When he looks up, then start talking.
(Don't be surprised when your child begins using this technique to get your attention before he tells you something. And if you want him to keep listening, you'll need to listen back!)
If you've asked once and not gotten a response, don't just repeat yourself. You don't have your child's attention. Go back to Step One, above.
Most of us dilute our message and lose our child's attention by using too many words. Use as few words as possible when you give instructions.
If you were busy with something you liked doing and your partner ordered you to stop doing it and do something else that was not a priority to you, how would you feel? Might you tune out your partner? Your child doesn't have to share your priorities, he just has to accommodate your needs. And you don't have to share his priorities, but it will help immensely if you can acknowledge how much he wants to keep doing whatever he's doing.
No one wants to listen to someone who's giving orders; in fact, it always stimulates resistance. Think about how you feel when someone orders you around. Instead, keep your tone warm. When possible, give choices.
When we get upset, kids feel unsafe and go into fight or flight. In their effort to defend themselves or to fight back, they become LESS effective at listening, and lose sight of our message. If your priority is getting everyone in the car, don't waste time and energy lecturing them about why they didn't listen to you and get ready when you first asked. That will just make everyone more upset, including you. Take a deep breath, help her find her shoe and help him on with his backpack. Once you're in the car, you can ask them to help you brainstorm ways to get out of the house on time.
Most of parents' communication to kids consists of nagging. No wonder children don't listen. The more routines you have, the less you have to be a drill sergeant. What kinds of routines? Habits, like what the kids do before they leave the house (brush teeth, use toilet, pack backpack, put on shoes, etc.) If you take photos of your child doing these tasks and put them onto a small poster, your child will learn them over time. Put her in charge of what she needs to do. She'll have a new skill and your role will be limited to asking questions:
If you stare at your screen while your child tells you about his day, you're role modeling how communication is handled in your family. If you really want your child to listen to you, stop what you're doing and listen. It only takes a few minutes. Start this when he's a preschooler and he'll still be willing to talk to you when he's a teenager. You'll be so glad you did.
Most of the time when kids don't "listen" they just haven't tuned in to us. But if your child repeatedly seems unable to process your instructions, she may have an auditory processing disorder. Adopt the tips above and experiment with giving your child multi-step instructions. If you're concerned, consult with your pediatrician for referral to an audiologist. 10. Pare down your orders to what's really non-negotiable.
If you worked for someone who constantly badgered you with orders, would you feel like cooperating? You don't want every interaction with your child to be an order. So maximize the loving, happy interactions, and minimize the orders.
1 LongPostBot 2019-07-05
If only you could put that energy into your relationships
I am a bot. Contact for questions
1 cfbsympathizer 2019-07-05
What in the actual fuck is this, though? If you can't keep the attention of a fucking child then how the fuck did you keep the attention of someone of the opposite gender long enough to reproduce? I swear, working with kids is the most stupidly easy thing to do that I'm convinced that people who supposedly struggle with it are just intentionally not giving a fuck and then playing dumb about it.
1 smokeyphil 2019-07-05
Did you get lost?
1 Burnnoticelover 2019-07-05
How do I reeeeeach deez keeds?
1 Futhermucker 2019-07-05
gatekeeping to some degree is integral to a good community, that way you'll have guys who actually know cars and can share expertise. compare r/cars or even more individual vehicle oriented subreddits to old school forums, the discussion on the forums will be more relevant 100% of the time. having recently owned a 65 mustang and a 94 jeep cherokee, both which needed lots of work, nearly every single DIY job i needed to do was laid out on some forum post from like 2003. reddit, nothing, just pictures of cars and sunsets
1 The_Great_I_Am_Not 2019-07-05
Very true, and there are good reasons as to why.
1 Kasseltov 2019-07-05
Early internet didnt have these idiot tier npcs that think the entire internet is just social media, youtube, amazon, and netflix
1 ResistingDaddyDrumpf 2019-07-05
Why do jannies tend to be leftoids? It looks like they shut down that thread just because people weren’t aligned with the jannies’ political beliefs.
1 CulturalYogurt 2019-07-05
People with jobs can't spend 16 hours a day, every day, climbing the moderator ladder.
1 jaredschaffer27 2019-07-05
California isn't America and Californians aren't people
1 El_Guero_Alto 2019-07-05
Based
1 CJ_from_Grove_St 2019-07-05
What did he mean by this?
1 _SweetnessFollows 2019-07-05
Proceeds to say “this is what being an internet jannie is”
Oh no no no, online randos telling me bad words on the internet.
1 3Tess 2019-07-05
People who use the report function to whine and jannies make a nice pair of massive faggots.
1 Trandere 2019-07-05
'Biggest car community in the world' sounds loser to me
1 mynameJef6969 2019-07-05
If you have to tell people you have thick skin then you probably don't have thick skin
1 XhotwheelsloverX 2019-07-05
THIS is the 2019 internet janitor.
1 Vegan_doggodiddler 2019-07-05
Doubt.jpg