Damn, you know what?

You caught me. You flat-out caught me. It's time to come clean.

Let me tell you a little bit about how I go through my day, which is also how literally every other moderator goes through theirs.

I wake up in my dingy, unwashed bed (which is covered with suspicious stains), then immediately scream for my mother to come downstairs and tell me that I’m a special boy. Once I feel sufficiently better than everyone else, I log in to Reddit, where I go through all of the top-secret communiques that I receive from whichever political party you personally dislike. Having accepted my marching orders, I motivate myself by going to town on my own backside with an anime-style figurine; a doll which looks vaguely like the world leader you most abhor. Then it’s time to get to work.

Pushing a narrative which irritates you – yes, specifically you – is obviously my first priority… but if a totalitarian regime which controls another country, religious group, or corporation has sent me enough money, I take whatever steps I can to promote or censor anything that’s even tangentially related to what they’ve highlighted for me. If the entity in question also happens to have a very small minority stake in Reddit (or if one of the site’s executives has rumored ties to their organization), then I make sure to publicly fellate them whilst simultaneously denying their influence. The more sucking that I do, the more cash I receive!

Mind you, I don’t actually spend any of that loot, because moving out of my parents’ basement would mean that I wouldn’t get that crack-of-noon ego-stroking anymore. No, rather than using those ill-gotten gains to improve my lot in life, I sculpt them into life-size (and anatomically correct) sculptures – using copious amounts of my own neck-sweat as glue – of the various public figures whose actions or perspectives anger you.

Anyway, once I’ve made certain that my corrupt overlords are pleased, I start looking for ways that I can ruin individual users’ days. Randomly removing posts (and then pretending that they were in violation of some invisible rules) is the only way that I can become aroused, after all, and I need to stand at my full, massive two inches if I’m going to be able to reach myself past all of my stomach fat. Having come to attention, I put on my self-pleasure hat – which is a trilby, of course – and start banning people who disagree with my opinions.

Those opinions having been carefully structured to go against yours, of course.

It’s time for a break by that point, so I spend an hour or three lecturing my waifu body-pillow about a given social trend that makes people (again, specifically you) upset. She’ll usually offer some kind of counterargument, which means that I need to throw an impotent tantrum. Whenever that happens, my only solace comes by way of somehow abusing my awesome Internet powers, typically while gorging myself on junk food, soda, and heaping handfuls of straight-up lard. Don’t ask me how that abuse actually manifests, though, because I’ll silence all of the remarkably insightful questions that you send my way. The thing is, I’ve never heard any of them before... and since my hidden masters haven’t told me how to respond, my only option is to screech at my computer monitor as I wildly flail around.

Those eight seconds of exertion tend to bring me pretty close to unconsciousness, so I have to completely ignore the communities that I govern for a while, thereby allowing a multitude of posts and comments to go through unchecked. Fortunately, they’re only ever submissions which you (once more, specifically you) find distasteful, so it still counts as a victory. At the same time, though, if you try to submit anything – especially if it’s entirely adherent to those invisible rules that I mentioned earlier – I’ll wheeze my way back into a semi-upright position for just long enough to mete out another completely unwarranted ban.

Finally, once all of that is done, I kill myself, frequently by dying in a fire. Getting the suggestion to do so dozens (or even hundreds) of times a day just proves to be too much for my utterly unfathomable intellect to handle, so I eventually succumb to the sweet embrace of death.

Besides, it’s the only way that I can get to sleep at night.

TL;DR: You don’t need to read this, because you’ve already decided that you know it all.

Snapshots:

1. Teacher fired for controversial fac... - archive.org, archive.today, removeddit.com

I am just a simple bot, *not** a moderator of this subreddit* | bot subreddit | contact the maintainers

I’ll start believing you’re pro-life when you:

• ban guns

• have free healthcare for all

• stop separating families at the border

• offer cheap, prescribed birth control

• raise minimum wage

• improve the quality of education in schools

• act on the climate crisis

• improve mental health care

No, you won't.

Anyone who thinks "free healthcare" is a thing has never paid taxes. Stalin would've gulaged these NEETs. 😤

Everyone knows that “free healthcare” means socialized healthcare

I've talked to poors who don't even know that their welfare benefits come from taxpayer dollars, they just think it just comes from "the state." People are dumber than you think.

No one has to talk to you to know that you’re a fucking idiot 😂😂😂

Yeah but it helps. 🙂

Erm Sweaty don't you know that in Europe the doctors and pharmaceutical companies just work for free!?!?!

Is it really that hard to understand that they’re against what they view as state sponsored murder? The argument is whether or not it’s murder.

IMO you should be able to kill babies six months out of the womb

Why not go full ancient Roman? The paterfamilias should be legally permitted to put to death any member of the household.

You're not really king of your castle if you can't strangle a woman.

I think that most of their marriage contracts precluded whim killing, so poor Romanii. Cucked by private contract.

now THAT'S libertarianism

This but unironically

against what they view as state sponsored murder

Then they should stop calling themselves pro-life and call themselves anti-abortion.

Too bad rightoids are pussies

>calls rightoids pussies

>ignores noodle-armed antifa

What the fuck does antifa have to do with abortion

This is your brain on conservatism

You're calling rightoids pussies when it's been shown that rightoids routinely beat the fuck out of leftoids. Are you retarded?

Idk if he is but you should be used as the example to figure it out

https://mobile.twitter.com/ABC/status/1154500346141696015?s=20

Here are some leftoids beating the fuck out of a rightoid. Qed bitch

>once

Wow, got me.

I like how you're so retarded you missed the joke.

Those are just niggers tho, I don't think they even know how to spell "political alignment".

That's the fucking joke you brainlet

Okay

it's been shown that rightoids routinely beat the fuck out of leftoids.

LARP

This is some straight up grug logic lmfao. Do you realize how much of a low IQ drooling mouth-breather you sound like when you say stuff like this?

Name a time when antifa beat nazis at a protest

fake news

Well then the Left should stop calling themselves choice.

But unironically it should be pro or anit abortion, instead of all of the semantic wars that are retarded

same thats why I call my self Pro-Death, I think that after the baby is born the moid should get to decide if he wants to abort it (or the foid if she has regrets)

I'm not pro-life, I'm anti-women's choice. Hormonal birth control and no fault divorce + spousal and child support have been a disaster for the human race.

The male partner should be allowed to force abortions, for equality.

Wait. They want condoms to require a prescription?

Yep it's right there in the Bible,

”Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man" Numbers 31

It's fun watching them try to justify this.

Justify what? It looks fine.

Blessed is the person who takes your infants and smashes them against a rock.

God is against abortion because he has a more badass way of handling unwanted pregnancy.

Being pro life is literally the hottest political button the Catholic Church has to push. How absolutely retarded do you have to be to not only gain employment from the church, but to actually think you have a leg to stand on in a lawsuit over your freeze peach from a privately funded school. Absolutely autistic 👌🏾

Depends on the state. Political views aren't protected by federal law but I believe some states have laws that protect people from discrimination based on political views, even private.

Huh thats interesting. But I’m talking about the first amendment, the one that implicitly says you can not be discriminated based on religious belief.

laws that protect people from discrimination based on political views

Eh pizza, that’s a tough case you’re up against. I think “constitutional right” would slam “inconsistent state-by-state laws that protect your political beliefs” in a court battle. But honestly, I don’t have the spoons to argue with you on this tonight.

States have a lot of authority over employment laws as long as they don't violate federal law.

But.. that was my point.. wouldn’t a fundamental constitutional right of freedom of religion, be infringed on by having to forcefully keep someone employed at a private, catholic school, who’s ideas are fundamentally against your religion?

I'd be pretty shocked if they managed to convince the court freedom of religion gives them the right to discriminate against anyone they want.

It's a very slippery slope.

I mean look at the gay cake shop case.

That was a narrow ruling targeted at the commission in colorado. They didn't actually rule on anti-discrimination laws and freedom of speech, for example.

Alright, I’ll bite. Say this did get to the Supreme Court, how do you think this will unravel?

I doubt they'll lose tbh. The courts are many years behind society. For example, the entire reason sexual orientation is not a federally protected class is that the courts are under the impression sexual orientation isn't a trait someone is born with, like race or gender.

This is of course nonsense, and it is an objective fact that a gay person is born gay and not gay by choice. But the courts are scientifically illiterate so trying to convince them of this is pointless.

I agree. Good answer Pizza wow.

The whole thing doesn't make sense tbh. For example, religion is a protected class.

I have no idea how religion could be considered a protected class but not sexual orientation.

The short answer is of course, there are many religious people in the country, not that many gay people, especially during the civil rights era.

So the religious managed to get themselves on there, but not the gays.

I dunno, I think religion was grandfathered in by the bill of rights lol. But I do agree with you the logic behind current think, and how so behind, socially, our current legal system is.

Freedom of religion is given under the 1st amendment though, which we've established only applies to the government infringing on your rights. I've never seen the court say private entities are under any obligation to respect your freedom of speech.

I have no idea how religion could be considered a protected class but not sexual orientation.

Because there isn't a law against discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation lol like read laws lmao

I'm not saying the laws don't exist, I'm saying their justification doesn't make any sense.

[removed]

There was a Supreme Court case about this.

You’re gunna have to TL;DR me on that sweaty

There's a summary on the first five pages.

I’m sure there is, but I asked for a TL;DR retard

That is the TL;DR.

Where the fuck have you ever read a fucking 5 page TL;DR??

Legal issues can be complex.

fundamental constitutional right of freedom of religion

Schools don't have rights you tard

who’s

Lol

All of the teachers that I went to high school with are annoying as fuck on social media. Constant political posting, pretty much all social justicey.

Good piece of evidence against teaching being a real job, to be honest. I got my first actual professional job and have since had my social media locked down and bland as fuck. I think maybe they feel the need to constantly preach because they lack a stimulating, challenging career to derive their satisfaction from.

Hanging the teachers is the first step towards fixing our education.

Why not expand it to all glasses-wearers, like the Chad Rouge?

Chankiri trees v2

Pretty good praxis. The profs always get booty-blasted first after the revolution.

Lol why are you bragging about being a boring cuck like it’s cool or something

Wanting to continually broadcast your political beliefs and day-to-day minutiae to everybody that you know is insecure and childish. Go get a job that you won't be ashamed of when you turn 30.

This isn't even bait, it's just a bare hook.

Fuck you, I want some bait.

Its okay to punch nazis because their beliefs are inherently violent so any act of violence against nazis is completely justified

I use this logic but for anti-lifers, what now leftoids? Feeling scared yet hahahahahaha

You cannot commit injustice against a side that literally believes in violence as their ideology. Just like you can't commit injustice against a nazi, you can't commit injustice against pro-choicers(or anti-lifers). Anti-lifees literally believe in violence against a fetud so this firing was completely justified.

Ya but in their defense most fetuses grow up to be fags

Cope

The only good opinion on abortions is:

pro choice for everyone except retarded babies. Killing retarded babies would be ableist.

If you want teach in a catholic school then you need to abide by their rules of employment. Part of that is not being a muppet on FB by posting stuff that will get you fired. What the hell did she think would happen?

Although I’m surprised confession didn’t fix the problem. Maybe confession only works for the sex offenders.

Thanks. Can I request 20 hail Mary’s hourly and just 1 our Father? I’m a total sinner. Pretty sure I’m gonna burn for eternity. So every little helps.

Wtf why is a Christian organization expecting Christian views

I smell agendaposting. It smells like shit

If you advocate free speech you are literally a nazi no exceptions yall.

Private company : )