Becky, who is closer to age 30 than 20, just got home for the day. She just got back from the gym, spending 10 minutes out of the hour she was there actually working out. She immediately looks at her notifications to find she has 30 hits on the insta selfie she took at the gym today and 700 more matches on Tinder! Becky knows she is going to be the baddest bitch at the high school reunion, after all, Beatrice is already fat, Bethany is a stay at home mom, and nobodies even heard from Bianca since her institutionalization.

 

Something isn't quite adding up for Becky though. Feelings of anxiety quickly displace her mediocre excuse for a runner's high. Becky frantically looks through her text messages and is devastated to see Chad left another one of her superfluous messages on 'read'. In need of emotional support she texts her BFF Bethany "ugh I can't even get a boyfriend how are you already happily married with 2 kids?" and reflexively triple texts Chad. In this moment her fingers moved at a rate that her legs on the treadmill could only dream to aspire to.

 

Just as Becky hits send she gets really wet and it's not coming from her crusty gash. After all, she hasn't had sex for 6 cycles now and her eggs are crying out for sperm. The last guy she met off tinder spent 30 minutes inside of her and couldn't even finish due to his crippling internet porn addiction. The experience wasn't a complete failure as he could at least find her clit but not without having to ask the Amazon Echo in the room for help. Despite all this, she still blamed herself being not attractive enough which triggered full blown body dysmorphic disorder; yet another addition to her already impressive list of mental illnesses. If only she could track down Bianca for some advice.

 

It wasn't her vagina. She looks down to see that her pibble who she had been ignoring for the past 20 minutes just pissed on her leg. Cujo patiently waited all day just to go outside and bark at some shit and piss on his territory but he couldn't hold it anymore. Becky tries to reconcile her feelings of anger with the attraction she felt from Cujos show of dominance. Anger wins out and she ends up cackling "omg doggo! that was my last clean pair of yoga pants now I actually have to shave my legs this month!" Cujo is absolutely heartbroken at how everything unfolded.

 

While shaving, Becky sees her reflection in the mirror - 'omg why is my ass still so big I've been to the gym 4 times this month'. This is the final straw. Because of many questionable decisions: trips to Europe for instagram clout, barely used gym memberships to fat shame Beatrice with her Planet Fitness workout posts, and her college degree in psychology, Becky is in crippling debt. She calls her dad in tears to beg for more money to fund the comfort food she now needs to get through such a traumatic evening. Pibble is sleeping on the couch tonight!

---

In the apartment nextdoor, Billy comes home from another day of work with coworkers he puts no effort in befriending. He's about to get a cushy new job as director of social media at a much better company anyway. He's looking forward to watching the new Rogan podcast tonight and Rogan is the only thing left in Billy's life that keeps him from pulling a Columbine. Why would Billy want to make the effort to invite his coworkers out when 'Oprah for men' is an easier way to cope with his crippling loneliness and social incompetence.

 

While waiting for the new 4 hour video featuring deer antler and proof the moon landing was faked to buffer on his shitty apartment wifi, Billy makes excellent use of his free time, logging into all 30 of his social media platforms. He likes Becky's insta picture in yet another completely soy-wristed gesture to get Becky to finally know he likes her ass just the way it is. After all, he only gets 5 matches on Tinder a month and they are all ugly fatties. Becky has worked hard to stave off obesity, at least temporarily, so Billy figures he should probably begin researching how to approach her before it's too late and her vagina implodes between folds of fat. Once he gets his new job he can afford to buy the PUA books he reads about online. He wonders why the real world has to be so complicated when social media makes it so much easier with friend requests subscriptions and block buttons. Billy has met so many people that he is proud to call friend from all over the world that he met on facebook.

He then posts some boomer shit on twitter to bring awareness about the oppression of a 'literally who' tribe in 'literally where' to people that he doesn't even know, partly thanks to the passionate efforts of his sociology professor in college. The professor was only made aware of this tribes oppression while doing a last-minute reddit search to finish her lesson plans. While her students already learned absolutely nothing at all (see: Sociology), her internet shopping addiction ensured they at least learned something completely incorrect because nobody on reddit actually reads the articles much less know anything about anything at all.

 

Billy finishes up with a few facebook comments to people in his social circle, all of whom haven't seen each other in years but feel obliged to keep in touch. Despite what their perfectly cultivated social media presences might project to each other, their lives have secretly been trending downhill for years. Not one of them benefits from their facebook brotherhood as they all feel inadequacy over the perceived success of each other. They also feel ashamed because of the facade they have kept up over the years with their supposed friends. If only Billy had coworkers in the exact same spot as he is in life that he could ally and cope with instead.

---

Becky's phone buzzes 3 hours later. Bethany's text: "You always complain that I don't have social media but I never would have met Tyrone, stayed out of debt, kept a nice ass even after 2 kids, and actually had time to pet my pibbles if I had been distracted by the mess of it all"

 

Becky can't believe her BFF has the audacity to take 3 hours whole hours to reply to her message so she goes on the offensive: "At least I'm not a stay at home mom bitch"

 

All of a sudden a massive circus erupts outside the apartment buildings. Billy makes eye contact with Becky as they exit but he immediately averts his gaze and pretends to look at his phone. To the abject horror of everyone, Cujo had burrowed through a foot of wood and sheetrock and ate the little brown child that lived next door. The father of the child was busy reading a Quora thread titled 'how to lower your genius level IQ so you can get along with all the dumb people around you' while his son was getting devoured in the other room.

 

Both Becky's and Billy's phones buzz.

 

Becky's elation that it is Chad quickly turns into grieving: "Please stop texting me. Perhaps consider taking a break from social media it's making you crazy"

 

Billy's elation at seeing a text from HR quickly turns into scowling: "We just saw your twitter post and found it very problematic. We can't have a social media director who doesn't fact-check their posts. The only source we have supporting your tweet is an Onion article. We won't be hiring you and you should consider a career outside of social media"

 

Billy and Becky swell up with emotions but they can't figure out how to express them without emoticons so Becky sends Billy a sadface text while looking at him. Now Billy armed with info from a PUA article remembers that you shouldn't reply to texts quickly or it comes across as needy and the only way out of the friendzone is by being open about what you want. Billy waited 3 hours and sent Becky a dick pic. Becky couldn't believe Billy had the audacity to wait 3 hours before texting her back so she said "Hey do u have any clue how to zoom in on pics?" They had sex that night.

 

3 months later:

After 90 days of hardmode nomedia Billy put a bomb in his sociology professor's mailbox and Becky dropped 2 lbs of water weight but still isn't married.