SUPERPOWER 2020

Dude nigger lmao

are you mad that nobody will suck your pee pee?

Currycels get more than you bru

Are you a mayo foid

Did your weed dealer you give head to allow you to say that

Based

Poo in the loo

pajeets more like poojeets

ive been having some sexual thoughts about you that i'd like to share over text if you'd enjoy that

that's a yes

Damn, you know what?

You caught me. You flat-out caught me. It's time to come clean.

Let me tell you a little bit about how I go through my day, which is also how literally every other moderator goes through theirs.

I wake up in my dingy, unwashed bed (which is covered with suspicious stains), then immediately scream for my mother to come downstairs and tell me that I’m a special boy. Once I feel sufficiently better than everyone else, I log in to Reddit, where I go through all of the top-secret communiques that I receive from whichever political party you personally dislike. Having accepted my marching orders, I motivate myself by going to town on my own backside with an anime-style figurine; a doll which looks vaguely like the world leader you most abhor. Then it’s time to get to work.

Pushing a narrative which irritates you – yes, specifically you – is obviously my first priority… but if a totalitarian regime which controls another country, religious group, or corporation has sent me enough money, I take whatever steps I can to promote or censor anything that’s even tangentially related to what they’ve highlighted for me. If the entity in question also happens to have a very small minority stake in Reddit (or if one of the site’s executives has rumored ties to their organization), then I make sure to publicly fellate them whilst simultaneously denying their influence. The more sucking that I do, the more cash I receive!

Mind you, I don’t actually spend any of that loot, because moving out of my parents’ basement would mean that I wouldn’t get that crack-of-noon ego-stroking anymore. No, rather than using those ill-gotten gains to improve my lot in life, I sculpt them into life-size (and anatomically correct) sculptures – using copious amounts of my own neck-sweat as glue – of the various public figures whose actions or perspectives anger you.

Anyway, once I’ve made certain that my corrupt overlords are pleased, I start looking for ways that I can ruin individual users’ days. Randomly removing posts (and then pretending that they were in violation of some invisible rules) is the only way that I can become aroused, after all, and I need to stand at my full, massive two inches if I’m going to be able to reach myself past all of my stomach fat. Having come to attention, I put on my self-pleasure hat – which is a trilby, of course – and start banning people who disagree with my opinions.

Those opinions having been carefully structured to go against yours, of course.

It’s time for a break by that point, so I spend an hour or three lecturing my waifu body-pillow about a given social trend that makes people (again, specifically you) upset. She’ll usually offer some kind of counterargument, which means that I need to throw an impotent tantrum. Whenever that happens, my only solace comes by way of somehow abusing my awesome Internet powers, typically while gorging myself on junk food, soda, and heaping handfuls of straight-up lard. Don’t ask me how that abuse actually manifests, though, because I’ll silence all of the remarkably insightful questions that you send my way. The thing is, I’ve never heard any of them before... and since my hidden masters haven’t told me how to respond, my only option is to screech at my computer monitor as I wildly flail around.

Those eight seconds of exertion tend to bring me pretty close to unconsciousness, so I have to completely ignore the communities that I govern for a while, thereby allowing a multitude of posts and comments to go through unchecked. Fortunately, they’re only ever submissions which you (once more, specifically you) find distasteful, so it still counts as a victory. At the same time, though, if you try to submit anything – especially if it’s entirely adherent to those invisible rules that I mentioned earlier – I’ll wheeze my way back into a semi-upright position for just long enough to mete out another completely unwarranted ban.

Finally, once all of that is done, I kill myself, frequently by dying in a fire. Getting the suggestion to do so dozens (or even hundreds) of times a day just proves to be too much for my utterly unfathomable intellect to handle, so I eventually succumb to the sweet embrace of death.

Besides, it’s the only way that I can get to sleep at night.

TL;DR: You don’t need to read this, because you’ve already decided that you know it all.

Snapshots:

1. Dude pajeets lmao - archive.org, archive.today

I am just a simple bot, *not** a moderator of this subreddit* | bot subreddit | contact the maintainers

I'd rather have a sub of billion of indians trying to score some bobs and vagene and asking how they can flash GCam on their latest Xiaomi than read unfunny posts from faggots who can't even come up with their own username and think talking like they're black makes them cool.

Definitely not as white as you that's for sure

Why would I tell you that? I've seen what you can do, I don't want to be the subject of epic jokes like "DAE 😬 INDIANS 😂🤪 STINKY? 🤣🤣😆👌"

They are stinky though.

It's worth smelling if you can live on an all Indian diet.

Only the fobs

>lmao white white ur so white

This is literally you

Absolutely. I know you're just salty because your mum likes some Tikka Masala up her ass

Ya i fucked her

That's why I fucked her

Sean King? Is that you?

But he’s “black” like you and his mommy had a lot of chads over for a night just like yours

No I think you are him

Brothers, please. Whiteness shouldn’t be tossed around as an insult; it’s something to be celebrated.

If they raised their rates to first world costs, they'd never be hired as coders ever again. They only get hired for being cheap, not good.

Guess they could learn to be journalist

:D :D :D :D

They are usually pretty funny. Especially if you talk about Pakistan in front of them.

That’s racist. 👨🏾‍🏫

Shitting on Pakis is our national pastime

Yeah, that’s a rage rivalry on par with East Asian countries.

Yea idk I like my doctor

They are you racial asshole

Why are they either doctors or 7/11 workers?

You're completely forgetting about all the Indians working in tech and other engineering fields, but less so

Not my fault they're forgettable.

Why don't you like Indians? They've always seemed alright to me.

50% work ethic, 50% caste system that is still pretty much alive from what I’ve heard from them.

Even in America Australia etc?

I mean idk how it all works, I would assume kind of a generational wealth/education opportunity thing but with greater disparity than Westerners have (for now). By 3rd gen immigration all that mostly disappears I think. You do hear of plenty that come from absolute poverty and get good careers too tho.

You do hear of plenty that come from absolute poverty and get good careers too tho.

That's what I mean, there's nothing stopping an untouchable or whatever from going to university or getting a decent trade, I suppose there's the social part of it though.

Right, in absolute poverty kids are probably expected (and I imagine want to) help the family with work at the expense of education or training.

My 24andMe hasn’t come back yet actually.

A lot of their women are hot, but they're always talking on the phone to back home I assume, and they wear those sensible plain black shoes.

After spending a month working on an IT project in a small room with 7 of them and 2 Korean guys, I like them a lot more than Koreans now.

Everyone in Silicon Valley knows that they smell bad and suck at programming but nobody talks about it for fear of getting cancelled