I am not a bot. I am a Volunteer Reddit Moderator. I do not have mod powers but my reports are taken seriously and those who get on my bad side tend to get banned in under 24 hours. I have numerous rules, which you may read in my post history, but 1 is the most important rule of all
• I am an officer in training, and I expect to be treated the same way I would be with my uniform and badge.
Watch your back and get used to this face kiddo, you'll be seeing a lot of it
You caught me. You flat-out caught me. It's time to come clean.
Let me tell you a little bit about how I go through my day, which is also how literally every other moderator goes through theirs.
I wake up in my dingy, unwashed bed (which is covered with suspicious stains), then immediately scream for my mother to come downstairs and tell me that I’m a special boy. Once I feel sufficiently better than everyone else, I log in to Reddit, where I go through all of the top-secret communiques that I receive from whichever political party you personally dislike. Having accepted my marching orders, I motivate myself by going to town on my own backside with an anime-style figurine; a doll which looks vaguely like the world leader you most abhor. Then it’s time to get to work.
Pushing a narrative which irritates you – yes, specifically you – is obviously my first priority… but if a totalitarian regime which controls another country, religious group, or corporation has sent me enough money, I take whatever steps I can to promote or censor anything that’s even tangentially related to what they’ve highlighted for me. If the entity in question also happens to have a very small minority stake in Reddit (or if one of the site’s executives has rumored ties to their organization), then I make sure to publicly fellate them whilst simultaneously denying their influence. The more sucking that I do, the more cash I receive!
Mind you, I don’t actually spend any of that loot, because moving out of my parents’ basement would mean that I wouldn’t get that crack-of-noon ego-stroking anymore. No, rather than using those ill-gotten gains to improve my lot in life, I sculpt them into life-size (and anatomically correct) sculptures – using copious amounts of my own neck-sweat as glue – of the various public figures whose actions or perspectives anger you.
Anyway, once I’ve made certain that my corrupt overlords are pleased, I start looking for ways that I can ruin individual users’ days. Randomly removing posts (and then pretending that they were in violation of some invisible rules) is the only way that I can become aroused, after all, and I need to stand at my full, massive two inches if I’m going to be able to reach myself past all of my stomach fat. Having come to attention, I put on my self-pleasure hat – which is a trilby, of course – and start banning people who disagree with my opinions.
Those opinions having been carefully structured to go against yours, of course.
It’s time for a break by that point, so I spend an hour or three lecturing my waifu body-pillow about a given social trend that makes people (again, specifically you) upset. She’ll usually offer some kind of counterargument, which means that I need to throw an impotent tantrum. Whenever that happens, my only solace comes by way of somehow abusing my awesome Internet powers, typically while gorging myself on junk food, soda, and heaping handfuls of straight-up lard. Don’t ask me how that abuse actually manifests, though, because I’ll silence all of the remarkably insightful questions that you send my way. The thing is, I’ve never heard any of them before... and since my hidden masters haven’t told me how to respond, my only option is to screech at my computer monitor as I wildly flail around.
Those eight seconds of exertion tend to bring me pretty close to unconsciousness, so I have to completely ignore the communities that I govern for a while, thereby allowing a multitude of posts and comments to go through unchecked. Fortunately, they’re only ever submissions which you (once more, specifically you) find distasteful, so it still counts as a victory. At the same time, though, if you try to submit anything – especially if it’s entirely adherent to those invisible rules that I mentioned earlier – I’ll wheeze my way back into a semi-upright position for just long enough to mete out another completely unwarranted ban.
Finally, once all of that is done, I kill myself, frequently by dying in a fire. Getting the suggestion to do so dozens (or even hundreds) of times a day just proves to be too much for my utterly unfathomable intellect to handle, so I eventually succumb to the sweet embrace of death.
Besides, it’s the only way that I can get to sleep at night.
TL;DR: You don’t need to read this, because you’ve already decided that you know it all.
"Nah guys see I called the accusations cringe I'm totally not a pedo even though I'm such a huge figure in the pedophile community that my own name is codeword for child porn." - PIZZAshill
How did I know with absolute certainty that pizzashill would be in the comment section of a thread on a young half naked girl? Every time, they're his main vice right after acting like a retard on the internet.
Threads like that are a good reminder that most redditors are edgy teenagers (or adults who still act like edgy teenagers). R/insaneparents is another good example of that. There are some posts on there where the parents are actually being abusive or overprotective, but a lot of it is also just kids whose parents told them no. In one thread someone was even arguing that parents shouldn’t ever control what their kids can and can’t do, which seems nice when you’re 13, but then you get older and realize your parents often have good reason for not wanting you to do something
Catching the posts that hit the front page from r/insaneparents solidly my belief that I would be an insane parent. Yes, I probably would occasionally use the “because I said so” line because I’m not going to spend all day explaining my reasoning for every little decision I make when you would be too fucking stupid and shortsighted to understand it anyway.
because I’m not going to spend all day explaining my reasoning for every little decision I make when you would be too fucking stupid and shortsighted to understand it anyway.
And because if you try to explain it they'll just keep asking "but why" like a fucking two year old anyway.
Why do redditcels find it so hard to just dress respectably? Do they not realise that maybe they wouldn’t be social pariahs to such a degree that no one in real life wants to “upvote” and “comment” with them if they just cultivated being normal people?
47 comments
1 AutoModerator 2019-12-11
do not comment or vote in linked threads
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1 aduketsavar 2019-12-11
I am a volunteer reddit moderator
I am not a bot. I am a Volunteer Reddit Moderator. I do not have mod powers but my reports are taken seriously and those who get on my bad side tend to get banned in under 24 hours. I have numerous rules, which you may read in my post history, but 1 is the most important rule of all
• I am an officer in training, and I expect to be treated the same way I would be with my uniform and badge.
Watch your back and get used to this face kiddo, you'll be seeing a lot of it
1 SnapshillBot 2019-12-11
Damn, you know what?
You caught me. You flat-out caught me. It's time to come clean.
Let me tell you a little bit about how I go through my day, which is also how literally every other moderator goes through theirs.
I wake up in my dingy, unwashed bed (which is covered with suspicious stains), then immediately scream for my mother to come downstairs and tell me that I’m a special boy. Once I feel sufficiently better than everyone else, I log in to Reddit, where I go through all of the top-secret communiques that I receive from whichever political party you personally dislike. Having accepted my marching orders, I motivate myself by going to town on my own backside with an anime-style figurine; a doll which looks vaguely like the world leader you most abhor. Then it’s time to get to work.
Pushing a narrative which irritates you – yes, specifically you – is obviously my first priority… but if a totalitarian regime which controls another country, religious group, or corporation has sent me enough money, I take whatever steps I can to promote or censor anything that’s even tangentially related to what they’ve highlighted for me. If the entity in question also happens to have a very small minority stake in Reddit (or if one of the site’s executives has rumored ties to their organization), then I make sure to publicly fellate them whilst simultaneously denying their influence. The more sucking that I do, the more cash I receive!
Mind you, I don’t actually spend any of that loot, because moving out of my parents’ basement would mean that I wouldn’t get that crack-of-noon ego-stroking anymore. No, rather than using those ill-gotten gains to improve my lot in life, I sculpt them into life-size (and anatomically correct) sculptures – using copious amounts of my own neck-sweat as glue – of the various public figures whose actions or perspectives anger you.
Anyway, once I’ve made certain that my corrupt overlords are pleased, I start looking for ways that I can ruin individual users’ days. Randomly removing posts (and then pretending that they were in violation of some invisible rules) is the only way that I can become aroused, after all, and I need to stand at my full, massive two inches if I’m going to be able to reach myself past all of my stomach fat. Having come to attention, I put on my self-pleasure hat – which is a trilby, of course – and start banning people who disagree with my opinions.
Those opinions having been carefully structured to go against yours, of course.
It’s time for a break by that point, so I spend an hour or three lecturing my waifu body-pillow about a given social trend that makes people (again, specifically you) upset. She’ll usually offer some kind of counterargument, which means that I need to throw an impotent tantrum. Whenever that happens, my only solace comes by way of somehow abusing my awesome Internet powers, typically while gorging myself on junk food, soda, and heaping handfuls of straight-up lard. Don’t ask me how that abuse actually manifests, though, because I’ll silence all of the remarkably insightful questions that you send my way. The thing is, I’ve never heard any of them before... and since my hidden masters haven’t told me how to respond, my only option is to screech at my computer monitor as I wildly flail around.
Those eight seconds of exertion tend to bring me pretty close to unconsciousness, so I have to completely ignore the communities that I govern for a while, thereby allowing a multitude of posts and comments to go through unchecked. Fortunately, they’re only ever submissions which you (once more, specifically you) find distasteful, so it still counts as a victory. At the same time, though, if you try to submit anything – especially if it’s entirely adherent to those invisible rules that I mentioned earlier – I’ll wheeze my way back into a semi-upright position for just long enough to mete out another completely unwarranted ban.
Finally, once all of that is done, I kill myself, frequently by dying in a fire. Getting the suggestion to do so dozens (or even hundreds) of times a day just proves to be too much for my utterly unfathomable intellect to handle, so I eventually succumb to the sweet embrace of death.
Besides, it’s the only way that I can get to sleep at night.
TL;DR: You don’t need to read this, because you’ve already decided that you know it all.
Snapshots:
I am just a simple bot, *not** a moderator of this subreddit* | bot subreddit | contact the maintainers
1 forseti911 2019-12-11
"U CANT CONTROL ME DAD! IM GONNA SLEEP WITH A 24 YEAR OLD WEED DEALER IN HIS GEO METRO NOW!"
1 Kaiser-romulus 2019-12-11
Also he’s black
Dude nigger lmao
1 professorshillphd 2019-12-11
Some libertarian told me I was a pedo because I was against child labor and was "overly concerned" with children one time.
I love libertarians tbh.
1 Kaiser-romulus 2019-12-11
You are an admitted diddler lmao
1 BernieMadeoffSanders 2019-12-11
THIS
THIS
THIS
THIS
1 SALTY_COCK 2019-12-11
omg somebody send this to the FBI!!!!
1 Platycel 2019-12-11
That's not why you were called a pedo.
1 professorshillphd 2019-12-11
Really, because that's exactly what happened.
1 Platycel 2019-12-11
Let me rephrase: that's not the only reason you are being called a pedo.
1 professorshillphd 2019-12-11
Again: stop embarrassing yourselves by trying to force a bad meme.
1 Platycel 2019-12-11
When did you start replacing the word Facts with Bad Meme?
1 medkaczynski 2019-12-11
But you’re literally a pedo, pizza.
1 professorshillphd 2019-12-11
This is getting cringe, the forcing of a bad/incoherent meme.
1 medkaczynski 2019-12-11
Not as cringe as forcing yourself on to preteens, though.
1 professorshillphd 2019-12-11
Alright, you guys clearly have some severe cognitive problems so I'm just going to stop responding.
1 SALTY_COCK 2019-12-11
"Nah guys see I called the accusations cringe I'm totally not a pedo even though I'm such a huge figure in the pedophile community that my own name is codeword for child porn." - PIZZAshill
1 SALTY_COCK 2019-12-11
For once, libertarians were right.
1 10inchblackhawk 2019-12-11
The last part is them calling you a pedo, pizzashit.
1 Pinksister 2019-12-11
How did I know with absolute certainty that pizzashill would be in the comment section of a thread on a young half naked girl? Every time, they're his main vice right after acting like a retard on the internet.
1 Tzar-Romulus 2019-12-11
You best believe I'm making my daughter (God willing I don't have a foid) wear a skirt to school.
1 Kaiser-romulus 2019-12-11
100% agree brother. Amen. Cathbols rise up.
1 FroppyHoppyMyFloppy 2019-12-11
You mean a skirt she will fold up at the waist the second she leaves the house?
Baggy khakis and a loose shirt.
1 SaveUsUncleTed 2019-12-11
That's why you sew it to her ankles you Sodomite.
1 SunnyFourZero 2019-12-11
1 yann_causse 2019-12-11
Behave yourself, filthy kaffir.
1 Lord_Sticky 2019-12-11
Threads like that are a good reminder that most redditors are edgy teenagers (or adults who still act like edgy teenagers). R/insaneparents is another good example of that. There are some posts on there where the parents are actually being abusive or overprotective, but a lot of it is also just kids whose parents told them no. In one thread someone was even arguing that parents shouldn’t ever control what their kids can and can’t do, which seems nice when you’re 13, but then you get older and realize your parents often have good reason for not wanting you to do something
1 companyfry 2019-12-11
Why are you browsing r/insaneparents ?
1 Lord_Sticky 2019-12-11
I don’t usually, just read the top posts while I was bored once
1 -SaltineAmerican- 2019-12-11
Catching the posts that hit the front page from r/insaneparents solidly my belief that I would be an insane parent. Yes, I probably would occasionally use the “because I said so” line because I’m not going to spend all day explaining my reasoning for every little decision I make when you would be too fucking stupid and shortsighted to understand it anyway.
1 pol__invictus__risen 2019-12-11
And because if you try to explain it they'll just keep asking "but why" like a fucking two year old anyway.
1 R0saParkinsons 2019-12-11
It's almost as if redditers are children who don't like following their parents/governments/societies rules.
1 Platycel 2019-12-11
I think it's just teenage angst
1 Ingelri 2019-12-11
It's-almost-as-ifposters GET OUUUUT REEEE
1 FroppyHoppyMyFloppy 2019-12-11
Not to go full pasta, but having a daughter in modern mayolands must be actual hell.
1 zhcyiDnein 2019-12-11
The ultimate cuckoldry. CMV.
1 wow___justwow 2019-12-11
hopefully things improve in the next 11 years or i am fucked
1 Dramacel69 2019-12-11
hits pipe
1 pepperouchau 2019-12-11
I'm just glad someone posted the holy scripture in there
1 Lysis10 2019-12-11
lol that's the pedophile right there.
1 MG87 2019-12-11
Dad is dummy thicc
1 R483 2019-12-11
Why do redditcels find it so hard to just dress respectably? Do they not realise that maybe they wouldn’t be social pariahs to such a degree that no one in real life wants to “upvote” and “comment” with them if they just cultivated being normal people?
1 Frostfright 2019-12-11
Reddit seems to get really, really mad when parents try to actually parent. Doubly so if the child is a girl.
1 Dramacel69 2019-12-11
It's because they're children themselves