You caught me. You flat-out caught me. It's time to come clean.
Let me tell you a little bit about how I go through my day, which is also how literally every other moderator goes through theirs.
I wake up in my dingy, unwashed bed (which is covered with suspicious stains), then immediately scream for my mother to come downstairs and tell me that I’m a special boy. Once I feel sufficiently better than everyone else, I log in to Reddit, where I go through all of the top-secret communiques that I receive from whichever political party you personally dislike. Having accepted my marching orders, I motivate myself by going to town on my own backside with an anime-style figurine; a doll which looks vaguely like the world leader you most abhor. Then it’s time to get to work.
Pushing a narrative which irritates you – yes, specifically you – is obviously my first priority… but if a totalitarian regime which controls another country, religious group, or corporation has sent me enough money, I take whatever steps I can to promote or censor anything that’s even tangentially related to what they’ve highlighted for me. If the entity in question also happens to have a very small minority stake in Reddit (or if one of the site’s executives has rumored ties to their organization), then I make sure to publicly fellate them whilst simultaneously denying their influence. The more sucking that I do, the more cash I receive!
Mind you, I don’t actually spend any of that loot, because moving out of my parents’ basement would mean that I wouldn’t get that crack-of-noon ego-stroking anymore. No, rather than using those ill-gotten gains to improve my lot in life, I sculpt them into life-size (and anatomically correct) sculptures – using copious amounts of my own neck-sweat as glue – of the various public figures whose actions or perspectives anger you.
Anyway, once I’ve made certain that my corrupt overlords are pleased, I start looking for ways that I can ruin individual users’ days. Randomly removing posts (and then pretending that they were in violation of some invisible rules) is the only way that I can become aroused, after all, and I need to stand at my full, massive two inches if I’m going to be able to reach myself past all of my stomach fat. Having come to attention, I put on my self-pleasure hat – which is a trilby, of course – and start banning people who disagree with my opinions.
Those opinions having been carefully structured to go against yours, of course.
It’s time for a break by that point, so I spend an hour or three lecturing my waifu body-pillow about a given social trend that makes people (again, specifically you) upset. She’ll usually offer some kind of counterargument, which means that I need to throw an impotent tantrum. Whenever that happens, my only solace comes by way of somehow abusing my awesome Internet powers, typically while gorging myself on junk food, soda, and heaping handfuls of straight-up lard. Don’t ask me how that abuse actually manifests, though, because I’ll silence all of the remarkably insightful questions that you send my way. The thing is, I’ve never heard any of them before... and since my hidden masters haven’t told me how to respond, my only option is to screech at my computer monitor as I wildly flail around.
Those eight seconds of exertion tend to bring me pretty close to unconsciousness, so I have to completely ignore the communities that I govern for a while, thereby allowing a multitude of posts and comments to go through unchecked. Fortunately, they’re only ever submissions which you (once more, specifically you) find distasteful, so it still counts as a victory. At the same time, though, if you try to submit anything – especially if it’s entirely adherent to those invisible rules that I mentioned earlier – I’ll wheeze my way back into a semi-upright position for just long enough to mete out another completely unwarranted ban.
Finally, once all of that is done, I kill myself, frequently by dying in a fire. Getting the suggestion to do so dozens (or even hundreds) of times a day just proves to be too much for my utterly unfathomable intellect to handle, so I eventually succumb to the sweet embrace of death.
Besides, it’s the only way that I can get to sleep at night.
TL;DR: You don’t need to read this, because you’ve already decided that you know it all.
32 comments
1 SnapshillBot 2019-12-13
Damn, you know what?
You caught me. You flat-out caught me. It's time to come clean.
Let me tell you a little bit about how I go through my day, which is also how literally every other moderator goes through theirs.
I wake up in my dingy, unwashed bed (which is covered with suspicious stains), then immediately scream for my mother to come downstairs and tell me that I’m a special boy. Once I feel sufficiently better than everyone else, I log in to Reddit, where I go through all of the top-secret communiques that I receive from whichever political party you personally dislike. Having accepted my marching orders, I motivate myself by going to town on my own backside with an anime-style figurine; a doll which looks vaguely like the world leader you most abhor. Then it’s time to get to work.
Pushing a narrative which irritates you – yes, specifically you – is obviously my first priority… but if a totalitarian regime which controls another country, religious group, or corporation has sent me enough money, I take whatever steps I can to promote or censor anything that’s even tangentially related to what they’ve highlighted for me. If the entity in question also happens to have a very small minority stake in Reddit (or if one of the site’s executives has rumored ties to their organization), then I make sure to publicly fellate them whilst simultaneously denying their influence. The more sucking that I do, the more cash I receive!
Mind you, I don’t actually spend any of that loot, because moving out of my parents’ basement would mean that I wouldn’t get that crack-of-noon ego-stroking anymore. No, rather than using those ill-gotten gains to improve my lot in life, I sculpt them into life-size (and anatomically correct) sculptures – using copious amounts of my own neck-sweat as glue – of the various public figures whose actions or perspectives anger you.
Anyway, once I’ve made certain that my corrupt overlords are pleased, I start looking for ways that I can ruin individual users’ days. Randomly removing posts (and then pretending that they were in violation of some invisible rules) is the only way that I can become aroused, after all, and I need to stand at my full, massive two inches if I’m going to be able to reach myself past all of my stomach fat. Having come to attention, I put on my self-pleasure hat – which is a trilby, of course – and start banning people who disagree with my opinions.
Those opinions having been carefully structured to go against yours, of course.
It’s time for a break by that point, so I spend an hour or three lecturing my waifu body-pillow about a given social trend that makes people (again, specifically you) upset. She’ll usually offer some kind of counterargument, which means that I need to throw an impotent tantrum. Whenever that happens, my only solace comes by way of somehow abusing my awesome Internet powers, typically while gorging myself on junk food, soda, and heaping handfuls of straight-up lard. Don’t ask me how that abuse actually manifests, though, because I’ll silence all of the remarkably insightful questions that you send my way. The thing is, I’ve never heard any of them before... and since my hidden masters haven’t told me how to respond, my only option is to screech at my computer monitor as I wildly flail around.
Those eight seconds of exertion tend to bring me pretty close to unconsciousness, so I have to completely ignore the communities that I govern for a while, thereby allowing a multitude of posts and comments to go through unchecked. Fortunately, they’re only ever submissions which you (once more, specifically you) find distasteful, so it still counts as a victory. At the same time, though, if you try to submit anything – especially if it’s entirely adherent to those invisible rules that I mentioned earlier – I’ll wheeze my way back into a semi-upright position for just long enough to mete out another completely unwarranted ban.
Finally, once all of that is done, I kill myself, frequently by dying in a fire. Getting the suggestion to do so dozens (or even hundreds) of times a day just proves to be too much for my utterly unfathomable intellect to handle, so I eventually succumb to the sweet embrace of death.
Besides, it’s the only way that I can get to sleep at night.
TL;DR: You don’t need to read this, because you’ve already decided that you know it all.
Snapshots:
I am just a simple bot, *not** a moderator of this subreddit* | bot subreddit | contact the maintainers
1 WineDine69stein 2019-12-13
That new Xbox looks xboxier than ever!
1 HodorTheDoorHolder_ 2019-12-13
How many terrasauruses does it have this time?
1 Seattle_Bussy_Lmao 2019-12-13
STRA WARS
1 WineDine69stein 2019-12-13
Godfall more like God balls!
1 WineDine69stein 2019-12-13
Daniel Ketchum is hella gay 😘
1 duckraul2 2019-12-13
I like the part where bideo jame
1 WineDine69stein 2019-12-13
This Japanese foid ugh
1 WineDine69stein 2019-12-13
Congratulation to Control for good art!
1 WineDine69stein 2019-12-13
It was a very smart thematic choice to have a bunch of people devoid of charisma do all the talking in this show
1 WineDine69stein 2019-12-13
Bro I love fortnite!?
1 Tzar-Romulus 2019-12-13
Bro?
1 WholesomeDrama 2019-12-13
wasnt there a meme from like 15 years ago of a cat putting its paw on a hand and telling u that its time to stop posting
1 WineDine69stein 2019-12-13
I'm not familiar with that part of the show. 😑
1 WholesomeDrama 2019-12-13
https://i.imgur.com/TumzBhF.jpg
1 WineDine69stein 2019-12-13
Aw that's actually cute but I'm gonna keep larping
1 TheGentileGiant 2019-12-13
I'm partial to https://media1.giphy.com/media/H3T9limYS4rdK/source.gif tbh
1 pepperouchau 2019-12-13
I once saw a tweet that just said "you don't have to post" and I think of it ever time I see an exceptional hot take.
1 WineDine69stein 2019-12-13
This three legged demon girl is giving me serious wood!
1 SJCards 2019-12-13
Ooooohhhhh myyyy goooood I'mmmm coooooming
1 WineDine69stein 2019-12-13
Wow I'm excited for the new league of legends game! I'll probably play it for 5 min then go back to league tho 🤪
1 WineDine69stein 2019-12-13
If there's one thing D&D needed it was death metal!!
1 WineDine69stein 2019-12-13
APEX LEGEND HACKER MAN HACKED THE GAME AWARDS?!
1 WineDine69stein 2019-12-13
Bro I love 10 minute ads in award shows
1 WineDine69stein 2019-12-13
Discord was truly a game changer.
1 WineDine69stein 2019-12-13
Congrats to gris for winning wokest game!
1 The_Reason_Pete_Wins 2019-12-13
Are you okay man?
1 WineDine69stein 2019-12-13
I'm bored
1 Monkeysszz 2019-12-13
Are you ok? There are better ways to relieve boredom than spam posting on Reddit.
1 Starship_Litterbox_C 2019-12-13
Rey is Palpatine
Finn throws Rey off a cliff
Han Solo is a descendant of Luke Skywalker
1 bussylmao 2019-12-13
Well this is still better than 90% of the posts on the sub these days. You just need to start arguing with yourself for some actual drama.
1 texanapocalypse33 2019-12-13
Senua 2 looks hype
Hideous Kojimbo didn't deserve best director
Maads winning best voice actor is like giving LeBron MVP of the Little League
Cute Japanese girl sent the weebs wild. Gonna be cooming for months over that one
Todd dare not show his face in public
Epic gay. Apex Legends ad was 120% cringe.
Dude Refugee Sim LMAO