I need get in on this scam. I’ll say I’m trans and write a tell-all book about my wild sex romp with Donald Trump Jr. If people accuse me of lying I’ll call them a bigot and a rape apologist. Then it will be over for student loan collectorcels.
Like 4 years ago when I was on a shit ton of Ambien I wrote the first chapter to a post-2016 election book that was based hundreds of years in the future after the great war and narrated by an old man at a park in like 2400. At the end of the book you find out that the old man retelling the tale is actually Jeb!
It's about as accurate as whatever the fuck's in this book.
He tossed a handful of tortilla chips on the ground again, and the pigeons coalesced around him once more, pecking at the crumbs and flecks of guacamole. The day was bright and cloudless, and the bench was warm; but it was a gentle warmth, a soothing warmth. He could sit here for hours on days like this, days when the world almost felt like it did when he was a child. It was so much simpler back then. A young girl ran past him with abandon, chasing something he was no longer able to see. Did I once run like that?
One of the pigeons looked up at him, a green speck stuck to its beak, and cooed. The old man smiled. He was glad they chose to restore this park. After the carnage of the last Great War it was a barely more than a wasteland, barren and charred. Now it was full of life. It was full of hope.
The old man looked to his right and saw the girl that had been running slumped over against a tree, breathless. A boy a year or two younger than her had joined her. Perhaps he was what she had been chasing. The boy looked over and caught his eye, and his face lit up. He ran over to the old man, arms flailing, and the pigeons scattered. "There were so many!" he blurted out. The old man just chuckled. "Not even pigeons can resist chips and guac," he said with a smile. The boy's eyes grew round as saucers. "Guacamole?!"
It was no surprise he was so excited. Guacamole had become a commodity worth its weight in gold after the Californian Uprising. Centuries ago a man once wanted to build a wall. He proposed a tariff between the former state of California and the nation to the south in order to fund this wall. This tariff caused the price of avocados to skyrocket, and with them, the price of avocado toast.
For nearly ten years avocado toast was virtually unbuyable; even those who sought it on the black market ended up fruitless and dejected more often than not. That ended up being the final straw for the ruling generation.
The Millennials brought #TheResistance to an entirely new level, and since they controlled most of the levers of power at that point, there was much they could do. Senator Blaiden and congressman Jaiden colluded with California Attorney General Aiden to recreate Calexit, a secession movement which would allow California to become its own nation and erase the American government's tariff, thus restoring the price of avocado toast to its former level. At least, temporarily. That uprising started a chain reaction no one could have seen coming. The availability of avocado toast didn’t last.
The boy simply stared at him incredulously, and the old man realized he had been musing aloud. “Mister, how do you know all this? We never learned about any of this stuff in class.”
“No, I’d imagine not.” The old man said with a weathered smile. “This was an era that the world would like to forget. I’m sure even your parents aren’t aware of what’s happened these past three hundred years. Many decades before they were even born, the ruling governments of nearly every nation on the planet signed an international treaty that forbade such history from being spread throughout academia, pop culture, or otherwise. It was as if the world had slathered the entire era in bleach, trying desperately to erase what had been done from existence.”
The boy repeated his question. “Then how do you know?”
The old man stared at him for a moment, looked at the ground, and softly said, “Because I was there.”
During that time, Trump would often "waste Priebus's time" during briefings about foreign and domestic policy by pelting him with questions about badgers, the book says.
Does he not understand that trump didn't like him?
when you're trying to figure out where to best deploy the troops of the most powerful military on the planet but the guy in charge keeps asking you about badgers
So did Priebus (who hails from Wisconsin) write the book, send out excerpts for preview, and only then realize that all those lines were meant as digs at him? Pretty epic own-goal, if so.
Tbh I wish more people asked questions about random animals. People only want to talk about computers, cooming, and things that make them angry. It’s boring.
Ikr what kind of fun-hating losers wouldn't want to discuss badgers and other woodland creatures with the POTUS? People asking me questions about my favorite animals makes me go full turboautist.
Dude I saw a fucking javelina for the first time the other day. I was going behind a Juniper with my trowel to take a shit and that little fucker started trotting around like a retarded weevil about 50 feet from me.
"Trump also wanted to know if the badger had a 'personality' or if it was boring. What kind of damage could a badger to do a person with its flashy, sharp claws?
There are unironically very important and interesting questions
Yeah, but sometimes the badgers led a force of like 10 hares, and sometimes it was a force of 1000 hares, and we're supposed to just not notice?
What, did a great hare genocide happen offscreen? Or was there a change in climate leading to an explosion in hare reproduction? Is this new hare population sustainable? After all, apparently they'll 'eat you out of house and home'. Who or what genocided the hares in the first place? And how could Brian J. simply not address these questions?
This should come as no surprise. These are the same people who literally argue in favor of the mayocide. Did you forget about that? I didn't. /r/Drama posters are literally pro-mayocide. That's not even me being hyperbolic or making insults, it's simply a fact.
They.
Are.
Not.
Human.
They are autists. And they are completely irredeemable.
"'Are they mean to people?' Trump at least twice asked Priebus in the opening months of his presidency. 'Or are they friendly creatures?' The president would also ask if Priebus had any photos of badgers he could show him, and if Priebus could carefully explain to him how badgers 'work' exactly
66 comments
15 FUCKYOURITALIN 2020-02-13
yeah that’s real hard proof
someone fucking wrote about it wow
10 OuttaTime42069 2020-02-13
I need get in on this scam. I’ll say I’m trans and write a tell-all book about my wild sex romp with Donald Trump Jr. If people accuse me of lying I’ll call them a bigot and a rape apologist. Then it will be over for student loan collectorcels.
1 whenweriiide 2020-02-13
While it may have once began for student loan collectorcels, it certainly ends now
4 lickedTators 2020-02-13
Why do you hate drama? We want everyone to be lying all the time. Get out of here.
3 Giulio-Cesare 2020-02-13
Like 4 years ago when I was on a shit ton of Ambien I wrote the first chapter to a post-2016 election book that was based hundreds of years in the future after the great war and narrated by an old man at a park in like 2400. At the end of the book you find out that the old man retelling the tale is actually Jeb!
It's about as accurate as whatever the fuck's in this book.
2 AIDS_IS_A_CHOICE 2020-02-13
Ha, I was going to write a textbook from the future about "the Pre-Galactic Trumpire." Still should, wingnuts will buy anything.
1 loli_esports 2020-02-13
Post it
1 Giulio-Cesare 2020-02-13
Chapter 1
The Greatest Story Never Told
He tossed a handful of tortilla chips on the ground again, and the pigeons coalesced around him once more, pecking at the crumbs and flecks of guacamole. The day was bright and cloudless, and the bench was warm; but it was a gentle warmth, a soothing warmth. He could sit here for hours on days like this, days when the world almost felt like it did when he was a child. It was so much simpler back then. A young girl ran past him with abandon, chasing something he was no longer able to see. Did I once run like that?
One of the pigeons looked up at him, a green speck stuck to its beak, and cooed. The old man smiled. He was glad they chose to restore this park. After the carnage of the last Great War it was a barely more than a wasteland, barren and charred. Now it was full of life. It was full of hope.
The old man looked to his right and saw the girl that had been running slumped over against a tree, breathless. A boy a year or two younger than her had joined her. Perhaps he was what she had been chasing. The boy looked over and caught his eye, and his face lit up. He ran over to the old man, arms flailing, and the pigeons scattered. "There were so many!" he blurted out. The old man just chuckled. "Not even pigeons can resist chips and guac," he said with a smile. The boy's eyes grew round as saucers. "Guacamole?!"
It was no surprise he was so excited. Guacamole had become a commodity worth its weight in gold after the Californian Uprising. Centuries ago a man once wanted to build a wall. He proposed a tariff between the former state of California and the nation to the south in order to fund this wall. This tariff caused the price of avocados to skyrocket, and with them, the price of avocado toast.
For nearly ten years avocado toast was virtually unbuyable; even those who sought it on the black market ended up fruitless and dejected more often than not. That ended up being the final straw for the ruling generation.
The Millennials brought #TheResistance to an entirely new level, and since they controlled most of the levers of power at that point, there was much they could do. Senator Blaiden and congressman Jaiden colluded with California Attorney General Aiden to recreate Calexit, a secession movement which would allow California to become its own nation and erase the American government's tariff, thus restoring the price of avocado toast to its former level. At least, temporarily. That uprising started a chain reaction no one could have seen coming. The availability of avocado toast didn’t last.
The boy simply stared at him incredulously, and the old man realized he had been musing aloud. “Mister, how do you know all this? We never learned about any of this stuff in class.”
“No, I’d imagine not.” The old man said with a weathered smile. “This was an era that the world would like to forget. I’m sure even your parents aren’t aware of what’s happened these past three hundred years. Many decades before they were even born, the ruling governments of nearly every nation on the planet signed an international treaty that forbade such history from being spread throughout academia, pop culture, or otherwise. It was as if the world had slathered the entire era in bleach, trying desperately to erase what had been done from existence.”
The boy repeated his question. “Then how do you know?” The old man stared at him for a moment, looked at the ground, and softly said, “Because I was there.”
1 LongPostBot 2020-02-13
K
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1 IrishRepublicanGhost 2020-02-13
Incredible.
1 loli_esports 2020-02-13
lol
1 wm20123 2020-02-13
What's sad is, this was plagiarized
1 pepperouchau 2020-02-13
kino
6 FearOfBees 2020-02-13
Does he not understand that trump didn't like him?
7 Giulio-Cesare 2020-02-13
fucking based
1 ashleychudd 2020-02-13
Tired: listening to briefings
Wired: nodding your head and pretending to pay attention
Inspired: pelting your subordinates with inane questions about American fauna.
1 NervousTomatillo 2020-02-13
So did Priebus (who hails from Wisconsin) write the book, send out excerpts for preview, and only then realize that all those lines were meant as digs at him? Pretty epic own-goal, if so.
1 FearOfBees 2020-02-13
Hey so does anyone in your state farm badgers
1 wm20123 2020-02-13
Don't give them any ideas.
4 SnapshillBot 2020-02-13
You're oversimplifying a complex situation to the point of adding nothing to the discussion.
Snapshots:
I am just a simple bot, *not** a moderator of this subreddit* | bot subreddit | contact the maintainers
4 AdziiMate 2020-02-13
Fuckin' badgers, how do they work ?
3 cochnbahls 2020-02-13
badger Don't give a shit
2 Armadildo_ 2020-02-13
They'll fuck your shit up. 🦡
https://www.quantamagazine.org/the-beasts-that-keep-the-beat-20160322/
1 Mrtheliger 2020-02-13
Fuck you I wanted to post this completely original comment
4 A-Soggy-Biscuit 2020-02-13
Did you know that gigachad badgers actually eat squirrels? Pull that shit up jamie
3 heretobefriends 2020-02-13
God is a shitposter.
2 somestupidname1 2020-02-13
I've lived in WI most of my life and I don't know if I've ever seen a badger outside of a zoo.
3 specialdialingwand1 2020-02-13
one time i saw a weasel. it was pretty exciting
3 wwaalleess 2020-02-13
Imagine being from Wisconsin and not knowing that the Badger nickname came from lead miners, not the animal. How fucking embarrassing 😂🤣
2 somestupidname1 2020-02-13
I grew up in Wisconsin, you shouldn't expect much from me mentally.
2 wwaalleess 2020-02-13
Me too. Descending from lead miners explains a lot about my people.
1 ArtisanalCollabo 2020-02-13
Do you consider your dells trip to be the highlight of your childhood
2 TaysSecondGussy 2020-02-13
Tbh I wish more people asked questions about random animals. People only want to talk about computers, cooming, and things that make them angry. It’s boring.
2 Giulio-Cesare 2020-02-13
Apparently he really hates sharks. When I found out I almost stopped supporting him.
1 TaysSecondGussy 2020-02-13
Hmm, that is pretty fucking lame of him.
1 clubby789 2020-02-13
Hey maybe he had a traumatic experience
2 AlveolarPressure 2020-02-13
Ikr what kind of fun-hating losers wouldn't want to discuss badgers and other woodland creatures with the POTUS? People asking me questions about my favorite animals makes me go full turboautist.
1 jaredschaffer27 2020-02-13
Dude I saw a fucking javelina for the first time the other day. I was going behind a Juniper with my trowel to take a shit and that little fucker started trotting around like a retarded weevil about 50 feet from me.
1 TaysSecondGussy 2020-02-13
Wtf that would be insane.
1 wm20123 2020-02-13
Hahaha how are you going to shit in the woods and not leave it there?
1 jaredschaffer27 2020-02-13
I dig 6" into the ground per usfs recommendations. Then I deposit my leaving, bury the tp and then cover and compact the soil to 500 psf as required.
1 wm20123 2020-02-13
Ground cuck.
1 jaredschaffer27 2020-02-13
I don't use toilets because of the environmental impact.
1 wm20123 2020-02-13
no, you're indian, don't mix those two things up.
1 BigFatGamerNuts 2020-02-13
I would but people treat me like a retard when I try and talk about my favorite whale breeds
1 TaysSecondGussy 2020-02-13
Fuck em. What kind?
2 BigFatGamerNuts 2020-02-13
I don’t want to type it on my phone so I’ll do it on my computer later. Expect an essay on killer whales in about 2 hours
1 TaysSecondGussy 2020-02-13
UMMMM, excuse me, but those are technically dolphins. 🧐😎
Great choice, I’ll read any sperging about animals.
2 AlveolarPressure 2020-02-13
There are unironically very important and interesting questions
2 Kramer_rulez 2020-02-13
He is going to create a badger based military unit. A badger battalion
1 Woolgun 2020-02-13
I'd massively prefer if he created an attack raccoon unit called "The Coon Squad"
1 pepperouchau 2020-02-13
I'm here for it. I've read my Redwall.
2 Msmit71 2020-02-13
The badger lived in a volcano and was a total badass right? Man it's been a while since I read those books, they were my childhood
1 pepperouchau 2020-02-13
There were different badgers throughout the series but they always rolled in like the cavalry and kicked ass in battle
1 KittehDragoon 2020-02-13
Yeah, but sometimes the badgers led a force of like 10 hares, and sometimes it was a force of 1000 hares, and we're supposed to just not notice?
What, did a great hare genocide happen offscreen? Or was there a change in climate leading to an explosion in hare reproduction? Is this new hare population sustainable? After all, apparently they'll 'eat you out of house and home'. Who or what genocided the hares in the first place? And how could Brian J. simply not address these questions?
1 wm20123 2020-02-13
It's a shame that redwall and watership down are both furry propaganda.
1 GeminiRocket 2020-02-13
https://youtu.be/CHafEHjmlmo
Womyns don't understand that men have deep insights about life
1 BussyShillBot 2020-02-13
This should come as no surprise. These are the same people who literally argue in favor of the mayocide. Did you forget about that? I didn't. /r/Drama posters are literally pro-mayocide. That's not even me being hyperbolic or making insults, it's simply a fact.
They.
Are.
Not.
Human.
They are autists. And they are completely irredeemable.
Outlines:
I am a bot for posting Outline.com links. github / Contact for info or issues
1 froggydreams 2020-02-13
Not as fun as "the gorilla channel" fiasco but this will do.
1 agent_cody_banks420 2020-02-13
Ffs every time I finally see evidence that Trump is a good president it gets taken away from me by
1 CMDR-FusionCor3 2020-02-13
Reminds me of the trump gorilla greentext
1 bumshecksagogo 2020-02-13
Do Burger badgers spread TB like their Europoor counterparts?
1 clubby789 2020-02-13
God I want to believe
1 -holier-than-mao- 2020-02-13
Gorilla channel levels of based.
1 zergling_Lester 2020-02-13
Hahaha imagine learning things imagine being born without complete innate knowledge of all truths what a retard!