You caught me. You flat-out caught me. It's time to come clean.
Let me tell you a little bit about how I go through my day, which is also how literally every other moderator goes through theirs.
I wake up in my dingy, unwashed bed (which is covered with suspicious stains), then immediately scream for my mother to come downstairs and tell me that I’m a special boy. Once I feel sufficiently better than everyone else, I log in to Reddit, where I go through all of the top-secret communiques that I receive from whichever political party you personally dislike. Having accepted my marching orders, I motivate myself by going to town on my own backside with an anime-style figurine; a doll which looks vaguely like the world leader you most abhor. Then it’s time to get to work.
Pushing a narrative which irritates you – yes, specifically you – is obviously my first priority… but if a totalitarian regime which controls another country, religious group, or corporation has sent me enough money, I take whatever steps I can to promote or censor anything that’s even tangentially related to what they’ve highlighted for me. If the entity in question also happens to have a very small minority stake in Reddit (or if one of the site’s executives has rumored ties to their organization), then I make sure to publicly fellate them whilst simultaneously denying their influence. The more sucking that I do, the more cash I receive!
Mind you, I don’t actually spend any of that loot, because moving out of my parents’ basement would mean that I wouldn’t get that crack-of-noon ego-stroking anymore. No, rather than using those ill-gotten gains to improve my lot in life, I sculpt them into life-size (and anatomically correct) sculptures – using copious amounts of my own neck-sweat as glue – of the various public figures whose actions or perspectives anger you.
Anyway, once I’ve made certain that my corrupt overlords are pleased, I start looking for ways that I can ruin individual users’ days. Randomly removing posts (and then pretending that they were in violation of some invisible rules) is the only way that I can become aroused, after all, and I need to stand at my full, massive two inches if I’m going to be able to reach myself past all of my stomach fat. Having come to attention, I put on my self-pleasure hat – which is a trilby, of course – and start banning people who disagree with my opinions.
Those opinions having been carefully structured to go against yours, of course.
It’s time for a break by that point, so I spend an hour or three lecturing my waifu body-pillow about a given social trend that makes people (again, specifically you) upset. She’ll usually offer some kind of counterargument, which means that I need to throw an impotent tantrum. Whenever that happens, my only solace comes by way of somehow abusing my awesome Internet powers, typically while gorging myself on junk food, soda, and heaping handfuls of straight-up lard. Don’t ask me how that abuse actually manifests, though, because I’ll silence all of the remarkably insightful questions that you send my way. The thing is, I’ve never heard any of them before... and since my hidden masters haven’t told me how to respond, my only option is to screech at my computer monitor as I wildly flail around.
Those eight seconds of exertion tend to bring me pretty close to unconsciousness, so I have to completely ignore the communities that I govern for a while, thereby allowing a multitude of posts and comments to go through unchecked. Fortunately, they’re only ever submissions which you (once more, specifically you) find distasteful, so it still counts as a victory. At the same time, though, if you try to submit anything – especially if it’s entirely adherent to those invisible rules that I mentioned earlier – I’ll wheeze my way back into a semi-upright position for just long enough to mete out another completely unwarranted ban.
Finally, once all of that is done, I kill myself, frequently by dying in a fire. Getting the suggestion to do so dozens (or even hundreds) of times a day just proves to be too much for my utterly unfathomable intellect to handle, so I eventually succumb to the sweet embrace of death.
Besides, it’s the only way that I can get to sleep at night.
TL;DR: You don’t need to read this, because you’ve already decided that you know it all.
It is funny. As someone who is liberal and will always vote Democrat because Republicans fucking suck (for now, perhaps I'm being too hopeful), I have no issue with calling it the Wuhan CoronaVirus. However since COVID-19 seems to have taken the place of the name of the disease it seems we have avoided this front in the shithole know as the American Culture War.
Listen here Jack, I'm gonna set you straight. I'll only say this once so listen up, Fat. This virus isn't going anywhere. Let me repeat myself, this virus isn't going anywhere. Back in my day we didn't call it covid whatever; we called it the "Shanghai Shivers". OK, here's the deal, Slick. I used to know a guy, went by the name Cornflake Jackson. Ol' Cornflake used to play guitar down at the pool hall. He caught the Shanghai Shivers one year for fun, because that's just the way things were back then, and let me tell you, if Cornflake Jackson says, "It ain't no thang" you can take that to the bank, Buckaroo. That's how I know you're full of shit. I'd punch your daughter straight in the mouth.
32 comments
1 SnapshillBot 2020-06-21
Damn, you know what?
You caught me. You flat-out caught me. It's time to come clean.
Let me tell you a little bit about how I go through my day, which is also how literally every other moderator goes through theirs.
I wake up in my dingy, unwashed bed (which is covered with suspicious stains), then immediately scream for my mother to come downstairs and tell me that I’m a special boy. Once I feel sufficiently better than everyone else, I log in to Reddit, where I go through all of the top-secret communiques that I receive from whichever political party you personally dislike. Having accepted my marching orders, I motivate myself by going to town on my own backside with an anime-style figurine; a doll which looks vaguely like the world leader you most abhor. Then it’s time to get to work.
Pushing a narrative which irritates you – yes, specifically you – is obviously my first priority… but if a totalitarian regime which controls another country, religious group, or corporation has sent me enough money, I take whatever steps I can to promote or censor anything that’s even tangentially related to what they’ve highlighted for me. If the entity in question also happens to have a very small minority stake in Reddit (or if one of the site’s executives has rumored ties to their organization), then I make sure to publicly fellate them whilst simultaneously denying their influence. The more sucking that I do, the more cash I receive!
Mind you, I don’t actually spend any of that loot, because moving out of my parents’ basement would mean that I wouldn’t get that crack-of-noon ego-stroking anymore. No, rather than using those ill-gotten gains to improve my lot in life, I sculpt them into life-size (and anatomically correct) sculptures – using copious amounts of my own neck-sweat as glue – of the various public figures whose actions or perspectives anger you.
Anyway, once I’ve made certain that my corrupt overlords are pleased, I start looking for ways that I can ruin individual users’ days. Randomly removing posts (and then pretending that they were in violation of some invisible rules) is the only way that I can become aroused, after all, and I need to stand at my full, massive two inches if I’m going to be able to reach myself past all of my stomach fat. Having come to attention, I put on my self-pleasure hat – which is a trilby, of course – and start banning people who disagree with my opinions.
Those opinions having been carefully structured to go against yours, of course.
It’s time for a break by that point, so I spend an hour or three lecturing my waifu body-pillow about a given social trend that makes people (again, specifically you) upset. She’ll usually offer some kind of counterargument, which means that I need to throw an impotent tantrum. Whenever that happens, my only solace comes by way of somehow abusing my awesome Internet powers, typically while gorging myself on junk food, soda, and heaping handfuls of straight-up lard. Don’t ask me how that abuse actually manifests, though, because I’ll silence all of the remarkably insightful questions that you send my way. The thing is, I’ve never heard any of them before... and since my hidden masters haven’t told me how to respond, my only option is to screech at my computer monitor as I wildly flail around.
Those eight seconds of exertion tend to bring me pretty close to unconsciousness, so I have to completely ignore the communities that I govern for a while, thereby allowing a multitude of posts and comments to go through unchecked. Fortunately, they’re only ever submissions which you (once more, specifically you) find distasteful, so it still counts as a victory. At the same time, though, if you try to submit anything – especially if it’s entirely adherent to those invisible rules that I mentioned earlier – I’ll wheeze my way back into a semi-upright position for just long enough to mete out another completely unwarranted ban.
Finally, once all of that is done, I kill myself, frequently by dying in a fire. Getting the suggestion to do so dozens (or even hundreds) of times a day just proves to be too much for my utterly unfathomable intellect to handle, so I eventually succumb to the sweet embrace of death.
Besides, it’s the only way that I can get to sleep at night.
TL;DR: You don’t need to read this, because you’ve already decided that you know it all.
Snapshots:
I am just a simple bot, *not** a moderator of this subreddit* | bot subreddit | contact the maintainers
1 HeyItsYourBoyDaniel 2020-06-21
Kung flu is funny as shit you can't change my view
1 newcomer_ts 2020-06-21
/r/politics would like a .... lot of words.
Willing to bet on a thread about this, not a single comment will even begin to suggest he might be joking.
1 GreenBlueEyedDog 2020-06-21
When did drama open back up
1 BigBrownDog12 2020-06-21
It is funny. As someone who is liberal and will always vote Democrat because Republicans fucking suck (for now, perhaps I'm being too hopeful), I have no issue with calling it the Wuhan CoronaVirus. However since COVID-19 seems to have taken the place of the name of the disease it seems we have avoided this front in the shithole know as the American Culture War.
1 [deleted] 2020-06-21
[removed]
1 Nicky941 2020-06-21
China Originating Virus in Day 2019.
Still has China in the name.
1 MagicHoudini 2020-06-21
Dum dum, the CO is COrona.
Also where did you get “day”?
1 sometimesshitposting 2020-06-21
yikes y'all
1 Barkasia 2020-06-21
Kung flu is shit-tier plebbit humour and only DDF brainlets defend it.
Ping-Pong Pandemic, however, is a top quality name.
1 AlecOzzyHillPitas 2020-06-21
Three consecutive words are required to meet the definition of alliteration so you are objectively correct.
1 SpacemanSkiff 2020-06-21
Kung flu isn't even an attempt at alliteration though
1 TrailerParkRide 2020-06-21
1 Pepperglue 2020-06-21
I like Shanghai Shiver better.
1 hungarianmeatslammer 2020-06-21
How could you go with Ping-Pong Pandemic when Ching Chong Chandemic was staring you right in the face?
1 BroughtToYouBySprite 2020-06-21
1 Corporal-Hicks 2020-06-21
Holocough
1 jaredschaffer27 2020-06-21
1 TayloTayloBookito 2020-06-21
Oh my God, is there video???
1 The_Great_I_Am_Not 2020-06-21
https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/503756-trump-refers-to-coronavirus-as-kung-flu-during-tulsa-rally
It's at the beginning of the video on this page
1 M_Messervy 2020-06-21
I love that his political rallies are just him riffing on his random thoughts.
1 ChangeBeam 2020-06-21
Funniest stand up comic that's currently active.
1 WeWuzKANG5 2020-06-21
Listen here Jack, I'm gonna set you straight. I'll only say this once so listen up, Fat. This virus isn't going anywhere. Let me repeat myself, this virus isn't going anywhere. Back in my day we didn't call it covid whatever; we called it the "Shanghai Shivers". OK, here's the deal, Slick. I used to know a guy, went by the name Cornflake Jackson. Ol' Cornflake used to play guitar down at the pool hall. He caught the Shanghai Shivers one year for fun, because that's just the way things were back then, and let me tell you, if Cornflake Jackson says, "It ain't no thang" you can take that to the bank, Buckaroo. That's how I know you're full of shit. I'd punch your daughter straight in the mouth.
1 Mayos_side 2020-06-21
Go polish a lemon.
1 jubbergun 2020-06-21
...is there a Joe Biden AI generating these things now?
1 dramasexual 2020-06-21
The Based Department is experiencing higher than normal call volumes. Your call is important to us. Please wait for the next available representative.
1 tejanx 2020-06-21
is there any person for whom this of all things would be a revelation and change their opinion of trump
i want to meet them
1 Giulio-Cesare 2020-06-21
My breaking point for him was when Stormy Daniels said he told her he wanted all sharks to die.
That shit's not cool. I had a giant 5 foot long plush shark I used to sleep with when I was a kid.
1 katna17 2020-06-21
He said this in his rally speech live yesterday. I swear this man is a comedian
1 OGsambone 2020-06-21
There are like 3 Chinese people offended by this but don't worry, George sorros will find them.
1 HotLikeHiei 2020-06-21
do they actually get surprised by Trump acting like the average white boomer male or they legit never interacted with those people?
1 kermit_was_wrong 2020-06-21
It can't be the first time.