I dvr'd it because it's on HBO or something and my husband likes space shit and I like it, too, if it's like "Firefly"...so we watched it last night.

Now I hate Brad Pitt.

Let me explain.

It's two hours of what the fuck is this and why I am watching it.

Brad Pitt goes to space to blow up his father issues. I hope Tommy Lee Jones has done another movie since this because if his last role before he dies is Space Kaczynski it would be a shame to finish like that.

Really. Don't watch it. It was so bad we couldn't even make proper jokes about how bad it was like we normally do when something is bad. That's how we handle bad movies. We try to salvage the mess by going MST3K on it.

I'm not an ad astrophysicist, obviously. I'm blonde, but even my no-skill having self was calling bullshit on major aspects of this flick. Like... Earth was in danger of destruction because Space Kaczynski's ship was leaking anti matter or some bullshit.

It's like they went, "Okay...what's our impetus for getting Brad Pitt to space to confront his personal issues with his dad?"

And someone went, "Let's have Dad's ship leak anti matter and this will cause electrical cataclysms on Earth and we can have Brad Pitt parachute off a space antenna in the beginning..."

Some bits of the film were fun to watch. But none of it made any sense. If you are getting a guy to extreme outer space to save the Earth then how the hell do you let him get attacked by space pirates on the moon? And what did the pirates even want? And where did they come from?

And what was the point of having ferile space lab monkeys on a vessel that sent an SOS because apparently everyone got killed by ferile space lab monkeys that will bite your face off in zero g? I mean...we can get to space but we can't keep the fucking lab monkeys in the cages and they get out and kill the whole crew, what?

I kept asking my husband, "Do you think this is going to make ANY sense at any point?"

And it just doesn't. For no reason at all Brad Pitt has to follow a rope through some underground water-filled thing on Mars and he stows away on a rocket just as it takes off without getting burned to death. My husband said, "He's gonna get fried." I said, "No, poached because he's wet from that swim."

For some reason he's on a 70 something day trip to Venus and he has to hook himself up to a do it yourself feeding tube like can't he eat moon cheese and space dried ice cream and jerky like a normal person.

And then FINALLY after all the trainwreck of middle age automatonic Ken doll Brad Pitt having quiet boring internal monologues with himself while doing senseless things the screen goes black and you just see some stars.

I said, "Is it over?"

Another scene started...

I said, "Well, shit..."

Because you just can't wait for it to end.

Then Brad Pitt rips a panel off this space station and decides to use it like a Captain America shield to jet pack himself through SATURNS rings. I mean... naw. I'm not a scientist. Like I said.

He would have been swiss cheese.

And I would be willing to suspend disbelief had the movie had any kind of a plot or compelling characters or ... a refund for the two hours of my life I spent with a "wtf" look on my face.

Don't see this movie because I think it got made because someone has solid evidence of SOMEONE being a pedophile and that's how this movie happened. Nothing else makes any sense.

Oh, I forgot to say, the critics on rotten tomatoes gave it a "certified fresh" 85% so they are all hoping to gobble Brad Pitt's cock or they are pedos, too.