Once Upon a Time in America (1983) - R-slurred slop for pretentious perverts

Sergio Leone's last film, an epic tale of two kids who grow up together and get into crime and their relationship over the rest of their lives. You have to watch the entire 4 hours to really appreciate his artistic vision.

Why is it 4 hours long? Well it sure is not because there's 4 hours worth of stuff happening. It's because Leone makes every scene about 5 times too long. Eurotrash in the 20th Century believed this was really artsy, but actually it just means you suck butt. In theater or any kind of performing art there is a constant drive to do everything as fast as possible because otherwise you're wasting the audience's time. Somehow eurotrash movies were praised for doing the exact opposite.

In the those few rare times where something important actually happens, it's probably r*pe. Leone shows us that this is unpleasant but nothing that really sticks in your memory long-term. Like when you've got to do a really disgusting dishwashing load or you've got the flu. It sucks, but once it's over it's over and you never have to think about it again. If anything, that shared bonding experience makes it more likely that the two of you fall in love.

To put on my serious hat here: Somewhere around 1/3 of the interactions between males and females in this movie involves some kind of sexual assault. Now I'm no cassanova, but when I'm putting my rizz on I do stuff like talking and kissing. This guy 100% definitely r*ped at least once and was getting off on shooting those scenes.

The story moves along at a glacial pace. I had a lot of trouble engaging with these characters because they so rarely do anything that I lose focus on them. The only really memorable thing I can say about them is they're buttholes and one is a male feminist. Actually the other one probably is too, since in Sergio Leone's world r*pe is a normal part of any romantic relationship, the way you say hello and first get her attention.

I gotta remember this one to use as a filter. Anyone who claims to like this is either lying and trying to look artsy or they're telling the truth and they're a male feminist.