"Anyone showing their tits and butt is over 18; just severely challenged"
I remember writing a modern one of these but it's a black comedy that ends when they all get r*ped at gunpoint by a perverted cuck who makes them all frick his she-beast wife. The final is them sitting around and quietly sobbing and the final line is "were we just r*ped?" "Yep"
"Dude! We're finally getting laid!"
"Read the room dude"
"Upon consulting with my spiritual advisor Father McCoughlin and my personal care physician Dr. Goldenstein I have decided not to get an abortion and instead put my child up for adoption to whichever desperate family gives me the best offer and offers her, for I know it is a female, the best potential life. I want him to start life with all the advantages I never had, like a present father, a mother who isn't a drunken alcoholic slut who fricked so many guys before flunking out of her affirmative action scholarship she doesn't know which fraternity the father belonged, a grandmother who can cook something that won't give you a heart attack and won't give you sabotaged condoms "to discourage your whoring" , a chaste responsible cousin who won't call her a "stupid whore", a younger brother who won't try to crumble arbortificant into her breakfast cereal, and a grandfather who won't beat your boyfriend into a coma for getting you pregnant and thus render him unable to either propose marriage or offer mental and emotional support. In conclusion, my family sucks and I don't intend to burden another young women with our terrible terrible legacy. God bless all of you except them!"
(Scene opens at the country club's outdoor patio. The sound of tennis and children splashing around the pool are heard)
There is a good-looking women leaving the first blooms of youth and entering the beginning stages of middle age in a smart-looking formal blouse and skirt. Sitting across from her is an absurd Noel Coward/Maurice Chevalier style homosexual dandy poof in the height of Great Gatsby era fashion. He is Vaping with an absurd steampunk looking contraption in spite of the" no-smoking" sign
"You shouldn't take the demands for a college fund for her and the child so personally darling! She'z not trying to Hurt you." He takes a long and exaggerated puff on the pen while staring straight a t the maitre'd, who glares at him with the hate only felt by housewives and hosts for people who drag mud in or smoke in the non-smoking section. "It's just a way for her to ensure the best life possible for her child." The camera drifts away over to the pool, where we see James, our shy chad hero and the lifeguard, pulling a morbidly obese man out of the pool and performing a grossly realistic cpr scene.
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
(The camera zooms back in on the woman and the fop. The woman is dabbing at her eyes with a napkin, clearly distraught. The fop continues, unfazed.)
"Now, now, darling, no need for waterworks. Chin up! Stiff upper lip! Think of it this way: you're free! Free from the shackles of motherhood, free to pursue your dreams... like, I don't know, finally getting that tummy tuck you've always wanted? Or perhaps a safari in Africa? Hunt some big game, you know? Bag yourself a lion. Though, between you and me, I hear those safari guides can be a bit handsy. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. Reminds me of this fella I met once in Monte Carlo..."
(He trails off, adjusting his monocle, a mischievous glint in his eye. The woman stares at him blankly, her tears dried up. James, in the background, successfully resuscitates the obese man, who coughs up a lung and then immediately lights a cigarette. The camera focuses on a close-up of the fop's face as he takes another exaggerated puff of his vape pen, the steam obscuring his features for a moment.)
"Speaking of Monte Carlo, did I ever tell you about the time I lost a small fortune at the roulette table? Absolutely dreadful experience. Though, I must confess, the croupier was rather dashing. Reminded me of... well, never mind. The point is, darling, life goes on! And who knows, perhaps this little hiccup, this... unfortunate situation, might just be the catalyst you need to finally embrace your true self. Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe I see the waiter with our absinthe. Two sugars, of course."
(He rises, adjusting his ascot, and saunters towards the bar, leaving the woman alone at the table, staring into the middle distance with a look of utter bewilderment. Fade to black.)
(A beat of silence. Then, Norm's voice, off-screen):
"HAH? I don't get it. Was that supposed to be funny? I mean, the whole 'unfortunate situation' thing... kinda dark, right? Unless... unless the joke was that he was completely oblivious to her pain? But then, that's not really a joke, is it? More like... just sad. Reminds me of that time I bombed on stage in Saskatoon. Brutal crowd. HAH?"
(A pause, then, almost as an afterthought):
"You know, it's funny... people always tell me I remind them of that guy, what's his name... Oh, yeah, Norm Macdonald. Can't say I see the resemblance myself. HAH?"
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
Part of the joke is his complete artificiality and how much he doesn't make sense. I considered a scene where someone hits him in the head with a tennis ball and he drops the entire act and starts swearing in a midwestern accent. "He's not a real fop; he's a larping cosplayer!"
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
More options
Context
Ma'am we've been over this before. You need to stop.
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
More options
Context
More options
Context
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
More options
Context