Dear Emily,

After many years of struggle, I recently published my latest novel. Great news — it's a hit!

Well, it's not a massive hit, but it has gotten very good reviews, has won a few awards, and has sold more copies than both of my other books combined. With all these wonderful things happening for my career, I know I shouldn't dwell on the negativity I have received on the internet. But I can't help it. There has been so much viciousness toward the book — some of it quite personal — on Twitter, Goodreads, Amazon, and other corners of the internet. All of the hatred has driven me to tears more than once.

Through it all, my husband, who is also a writer, has been so supportive. He was by my side during the long and arduous writing process, happily clinked Champagne glasses with me as the book started to draw attention and accolades he could never dream of for himself, and patiently held the camera while I recorded my promotional TikToks. Most important, he has held my hand and comforted me through all of the online harassment. I couldn't have done it without him.

Or so I thought. For reasons too complicated to get into, I am starting to strongly suspect that my beloved has been using an array of anonymous accounts to post some of the most negative and cruel comments about the book. In fact, I believe he may be the main source of the hatred that has been directed toward me, likely driven by jealousy that I have achieved something he never could.

Unfortunately, I am only 85 percent certain that I am correct. In the past, our marriage suffered when my husband discovered that I had been snooping on his computer and in his private things, and I know that if I were to confront him about my suspicions, he would accuse me of invading his privacy once again. Although this is not the case, I would have great difficulty explaining myself.

But lately I can't even look at him without feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of what he might be writing about me and my book. I have even fantasized about hiring a private investigator to discover the truth. I can't go on like this. What should I do?

Yours Truly,

Sleeping With the Enemy

Dear Sleeping,

Hoo boy. Where do I even start with this mishegoss? If I hadn't verified that this story is real, I would not believe it.

Before you do anything, you have to definitively know what you're dealing with here. So the first order of business before you do anything rash is: Snoop away. Invade his privacy! Invade it until you find out whether your 85 percent certainty is 100 percent or 0 percent well-founded. I would normally never suggest doing this, but in this case, you really need to know whether your husband is harassing you online, and poking around his laptop yourself makes way more sense than hiring a private investigator.

If you find out that your husband has created a bunch of anonymous accounts to criticize you and your book, you have to confront him about it. If he denies it and you have incontrovertible proof, your marriage is, to put it bluntly, fricked. There is no coming back from doing something like what he's done if he doesn't have any remorse about doing it; that's sociopath behavior. In fact, I wouldn't even confront him until you've gone ahead and siphoned money from joint accounts and found a safe place to stay for a while until you find something more permanent. This is Game Over–level betrayal, like if he poisoned your dog or had s*x with your sister. It's like he poisoned your dog and had s*x with your sister, then lied about it. You will have to immediately get as far away from him as possible. Take out a restraining order! There's no telling what a man who spends that much time on Goodreads is capable of.

If he admits to his crimes and shows remorse, your path is more complicated. Can you ever forgive him? It's more like if he accidentally ran over your dog and tongue-kissed your sister, then came clean about it. Only you know how much work you're willing to put into mending your relationship.

Of course, you might find that your fears are unfounded. That could be where the real work starts. Beyond the reasons you say are too complicated to get into, have you thought deep down about why he would do this? If you're even suspecting that your husband is capable of this level of treachery, something is really off between you two, and it needs to be addressed, ideally in counseling. You mention that you've snooped on him before, and your marriage suffered as a result. Is there some other area of your relationship where you've found him to be capable of serious duplicity, like financial stuff, infidelity, or just plain lying to you?

You also need to focus — and I know this is hard — on avoiding the online hate. I know the allure of name-searching yourself on Twitter and reading zero-star Goodreads reviews and the like. I've done it all. Right when Twitter was first a thing, in 2009, I could kill a whole day just rolling around in all the nasty shit people said online about me and my first book. Luckily, I've grown up a little bit since then and I'm much better able to control my own impulses. Recognizing that self-destructiveness is what drives you to look at Goodreads in the first place might be the first step toward change.

It's normal to be curious about how your book is being perceived by readers and critics, but at a certain point, the wiser course is to back away from the screen for the sake of self-preservation. Haters, as they say, are going to hate. And what haters do is none of your business. Preoccupying yourself with this is a complex form of procrastination. It's not going to get you any closer to any of your goals, which I assume include getting started on another book.

In the words of my friend Jami Attenberg, best-selling author of, most recently, 1000 Words: “In terms of dealing with online hate: If you go looking for it, you'll find it. So I'd stop looking and just enjoy your success for a second.”

This is somehow funnier than all the fake Slate advice columns. I kind of hope this person actually exists. Either the insane delusional BPD author foid or the master trole husband. Or both

!bookworms it turns out Meloni is a huge Tolkien fan, so naturally The Economist journos decided to write about it.

https://txtify.it/https://econ.trib.al/k4Sh5eC

Here's the article text.

Youtubercels discuss

https://old.reddit.com/r/lotr/comments/17msxjy/how_did_the_lord_of_the_rings_become_a_secret/

https://old.reddit.com/r/europe/comments/17s3esk/why_does_a_lord_of_the_rings_exhibit_matter_to/

!neolibs

I'm looking for book recs on the development and implementation of drone warfare. I'm interested in books that are pro and against, fiction and nonfiction, especially from earlier (80s? 90s? 00s?) when it was a more contentious topic/there was more debate.

I know nothing about this and want to learn

Thank you

I'm not poor enough for this shit

Anyway free download

https://file.io/0bHyfBQev7ww

!bookworms, which authors you find overrated? Which popular one's do you believe are absolute hacks?

!bookworms

To discuss your weekly readings of books, textbooks and papers.

I'm still reading “The R*pe of Europa”, a book about nazi plunder of European art.

The R*pe of Europa delves a lot into Göring and Hitler schemes to collect art. Hitler's collection was organized for his future “Führermuseum” in Linz, but in practice it was basically his own private collection. Göring had his own agents and dealers working to acquire art across occupied Europe (mostly through confiscated property, museum looting or forced acquisitions where the owner couldn't simply turn down the nazi's offers too many times) and they did what they could to get the best pieces before Hans Posse who reported directly to Hitler, as once Posse determined a certain piece was destined to Linz it was completely out of reach.

!bookworms !classics

Previous thread here

It turns out that the CCP was too busy drawing up plans for their invasion of Taiwan on March 15, 2024 to actually be rigging a science fiction convention. Instead, the Hugo committee did it for free.

One of the western Hugo admins came forward with emails (and an apology). They show that the western WorldCon committee members (not the Chinese members) made dossiers on authors (including the 2 writing this report) to see if there is anything in their works, backgrounds, or public comments that would be politically problematic in China. 4 works appeared to be eliminated from the long list for this reason.

They seethed about the Sad Puppies for "manipulating" the system (openly, while following the rules). Then they censored the Hugos because they were scared of upsetting the Chinese government, and lied about it until the emails leaked . You can't make this shit up. I hate liberals, but I do love President Xi and the People's Republic of China.

On June 6, Kat Jones wrote an email to the administration group titled “Best Novel potential issues.” In the email, Jones raised concerns about the novels Babel, or the Necessity of Violence by R. F. Kuang and The Daughter of Doctor Moreau by Silvia Moreno-Garcia. Jones wrote that Babel “has a lot about China. I haven't read it, and am not up on Chinese politics, so cannot say whether it would be viewed as ‘negatives of China'” while adding that The Daughter of Doctor Moreau talked “about importing hacienda workers from China. I have not read the book, and do not know whether this would be considered ‘negative.'”

!bookworms !writecel

I'm high on adrenaline. My blood is pumping high my heart is beating at a million miles an hour. They need to just get one touch down to win.

Only

One

It all leads up to this. The months of practice for this have payed off. I stare down the players on the field I look at Travis my boyfriend the man who's made me travel across the world to see him it's me and him and no one can stop us. He gave me a friendship bracelet and look at me now us now we own this place everyone wacthed us. It makes the journey feel so worth it the people who have tried to break us apart haven't worked because we love each other and no one can stop true love. I see Pat throw the ball. The whole world stops. The ball reaches the end zone. The world come back to life. It dawns on me. He's just won the superbowl. Holy shit. I'm screaming and on the edge of crying I grab Jason and give him a hug.

“He did it Tay” I feels sense of love. I've made it to the nickname stage.

“Yeah he really did Jase” We hug and I grab Donna as we walk down to field. My cheeks are hurting from smiling so much. We walk into the field. I see him in the distance. He goes up to hug his mom first. Then he says.

“Come here babygirl” I throw my arms around his neck as I feel his lips on mine it's a long kiss full of proudness. We let go.

“Thank you for coming baby” his words hit my core in a way that I haven't felt in a long time love that really hasn't made me rethink my life and why I didn't have it earlier.

I don't know what else to say other then.

“I cannot believe you did that” I really can't he gets hurt every day but he gets back up because that's his job and I just can't believe it.

He says “Thank you” afterwards but I just keep on saying I can't believe you did that because that's the only thing that's coming out of my mouth right now as my brain is not properly functioning. Then other words finally come to my brain there still on the same line but I just cannot stop praising him. He means everything to me. I love him indefinitely.

“How did you do that” he again thanks me after that I just wanna hug and kiss him forever im so proud to call him my boyfriend.

Then he says

“Thank you making it half way across the world” I l laugh when he says that because it's true

“Your the best baby”

I've never felt so loved in my life

“Oh my god”

I don't know how to feel

“Your the best”

Please this man I love him

“Was it electric”

He Jesus it was more then that

“It was unbelieve”

There some actual words well done Taylor. We keep kissing. We can't stop. His kisses are like air I can't live without them his priase to me even though he just won the superbowl makes me feel like the only one in the world. There are about 300 cameras watching but I don't care. It just me and him and no one can stop us.

He then leans down and kisses my neck.

I feel my body heat warming up. Frick that was hot. I kiss him. Deeply. I try to play it cool but now he's got me all flustered. I feel the tension already starting to build.

Tonight's going to be insane.

After he changes we get in the car. We start making out in the back seat.

“Baby you look so fricking pretty”

His voice is horse

He wants me and it's not been long

But we have to be at parties now.

“Stay with me the whole night”

Like I wouldn't.

He opens the door and we hold hands and go into the club we pick up a few drinks.

I realise after walking in I've brought my parents and my brother here…

I worry about that later

I'm just here to make any excuse to make out with my boyfriend.

After grabbing a few drinks and taking to my friends. I hear my voice. My song. You belong with me being remixed. Travis then travels through the crowd to the dj booth and starts dancing with the DJ and then he turns while the music is off and screams

“ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH MEEE” and mouths after you belong with me.

I cover my face as one the alcohol is starting to settle in my bloodstream and I feel well drunk. But second of all my boyfriend just sung to me with my own song. I feel a bit faint but very drunk. After he eventually comes back to me I whispered.

“That was very romantic of you screaming across the club” he laughs

“Only for you baby”

Darn does the man make me wanna just die

At some point we moved clubs or places or went outside I honestly can't tell to but I felt cold a d I told Travis they I was cold and he gave me his jacket. As he was putting it on me every touch of his skin to mine made my spin crawl. I honestly at this point couldn't care less about the party. He was my only thought.

I start picking up drinks more and so does Travis. So at this point you could tell me that I can fly and I would honestly believe you. Then suddenly as we're just dancing making out a other one of my songs comes on. Love Story. We just start dancing and smiling. Our hands intertwined together as one section. Before I can say baby just say yes he grabs my hips which almost makes me completely melt into a pile of water because I am just so in love on edge and all around horney. We then after making out the keep dancing I turn around a bit a d he pulls me in. Jesus I feel like I've go to heaven.

I'm standing by the door after a lot of waiting and kissing we're finally leaving going to our home together. He grabs my hand. We walk out together and towards the car and the whole car trip he doesn't let go of my hand. The papul tension that was in that vehicle. I cursed myself with wearing trousers. If I had worn a skirt he could've fingered me on the way back. I then take a step back from my thoughts and reccesate what I just said in my head. We are drunk. But also I wanna frick him. He also wants to do that. I can tell as he rubs my hands with his thumb up and down. I watch him do it and imagine it's my clit. I get wet by the looking at his hand. He knows as he looks at me with the look and he smugly smiles . He knows he's already won. And we haven't even started a game.

As we drive into the driveway the grip on my hand gets harder. As the car stops he pulls me out into the house and then we go upstairs and he locks the door immediately.

I then rub and jump onto him and we immediately go into needy hot kissing our toungs exploring each others mouths like there's no tomorrow.

“You look so fricking good baby”

I moan after hearing that he knows that praise is my weakness. He then throws me onto the bed and then unbuttoned my head a and puts them to the side. Hr then starts kissing in my inner thighs as I whimper begging for him to move forward as he looms up he can see it in my eyes and he chuckles a bit and he moves up. He then notices the wet stain in my panties.

“Oh when did this happen”

“In-in the car while you were um rubbing my hand I imagined it was my clit” I say breathlessly words are spilled out my mouth and he kisses me and then moves back down

“Well I do what your imagination told me then”

He rips off my pain ties and then starts rubbing my clint.

My moans become louder and the pleasure us so much for me.

“Are you already gonna c*m”

He says it so sexy and with all the teasing and that sexy butt voice of course I c*m as I feel the relief that I've been needing all night.

“Good girl” he says before starting touch up and down my slit

“Frick frick frick Travis frickkk” is the only words I can get out through my moans. I feel his tongue just find the places I didn't know where pleasure could exist as I feel of the edge a d he sucks and licks and I scream Bloody Mary the whole house can probably hear me but I couldn't fricking care less I finish again. I've come twice in 2 minutes.

He looks up and he kisses me.

I then start unbuckling his pants and pull those down as he takes care of my shirt. After he pulls of my shirt a d takes my nipple into his mouth. My moans come out like a symphony. He then stops and I pull down his pants and then his underwear and his fully erect peepee stands in front of me and I take it down like I always do.

“Frick tay your so good” and he massages my scalp and I feel the pre come lather my throat and tounge. I then take it out and kiss him a d he takes his shirt of and I then he lies down as I edge myself sliding up and down his peepee.

“Please” he begs

“I need you” I see the frustration in his eyes

As I put my entrance onto his peepee and then sunk down into heaven his peepee filling me up so nice our moans synchronised. Then after I few seconds I start riding him and hard. Wet sounds of my kitty hitting his peepee echo the house as I feel arousal takes over my body and I feel a fire inside of me. The love I feel towards him is endless as I look down at him but then he says.

“Yeah you like riding me don't you huh” my kitty clences hearing that as I throw my head back I already feel on the edge again.

“Baby don't worry im almost done you've made me feel so” he pounds into me “fricking” even harder “good” he then takes over and fricks me like actually fricks me I feel my face and body go to a different atmosphere and im now in a outer body experience because I have died. I then feel my muscles tighten and his too. We come together. He spills inside of me and I feel the c*m dripping out of me I lay on top of him and he kissed me on the head.

“I love you”

“I love you too”

https://archiveofourown.org/works/53750596

@Pibbles !writecel

There's a small and very niche market for Irish language literature in Ireland as only a small minority of the population are literate in Irish let alone fluent. A damming indictment on the state of Irish civilisation and the vitality of its people

Enough about that now! I'm sure it'll be grand like!

There's a very celebrated series of comics in Ireland that illustrate the ancient Irish myths and poetic epics however. These were produced by Cartoon Saloon along with Colmán Ó Raghallaigh! These are the people by animated films Secret of Kells and Song of The Sea. Kino overload btw.

This series follows "An Táin" and "Deridre Agus MicUsnigh".

An Táin follows the Irish hero Cú Chulainn in his struggle with Queen Méabh in the wake of the bull Fionnbheannach, the most indomitable and prized beast in ancient Ireland. Deridre Agus Mic Uisnigh follows the tragedy of Deridre and the sons of Uisneach as they rage against fate.

The other series follows Saint Patrick and his life's story with all the fanfare and legends included following his life as a slave at the mercy of Irish and Viking raiders, to becoming An Teachtaire "The Herald" against the Druids and old order of things in a fallen land. Really kino stuff. Highly recommend.

!bookworms !chuds RETVRN

Books I have read till now which could be said to meet the expectations I set above:

1. Iliad and The Odyssey

2. The Epic of Gilgamesh

3. The Aeneid

4. Bhagavad Gita

5. History of the Peloponnesian War

=====================

Books which could definitely be considered Epics but not enough time has passed for them to reach that revered stratosphere of national epics. (NOT LOOKING FOR THESE)

1. War and Peace

2. The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. Edward Gibbons

3. The Second World War. Winston Churchill

4. Wolf Hall

===============================

I have narrowed it down to 4 choices

Before you say Beowulf I say to you "ROPE AND COPE"

===============================

!bookworms need help with finding Japanese/Chinese/Korean Ancient epics. Suggestions?

I'm seeing there's a trend that most of the greatest historical epics stretch from Mediterranean to present day Afghanistan and North West India. The same region which was said to be the land of the Aryans. !nooticers

!bharatiya should have consulted you guys before doing this but I just express ordered the Vivek DevRoy translation (I would trust an Indian translator more than a non Indian one) but I don't know if there are better ones. Do you think it's a good enough translation?

That's right, your girl has finally finished this monster of a book after many months of struggle. Man was this a long butt book, usually I am a fast reader but a complicated text like this requires a certain level of concentration and focus on the words that really slows one down when reading.

So, how was it? Really good! If you're not into repetitive monster of the week types of story then you probably will not like this but if you are then this book has you covered. Every little self contained story within the whole of the text had me trying to guess what exactly Sun Wukong would do and most of the time my butt was wrong! The answer usually ended up being needing to rely on a daoist deity I didn't even know existed.

As for our characters, this book is really a meta narrative on the journey to cultivation of The Way and all of the characters are allegories for various parts of the human spirit that needs to be tamed before one can be realized. That said I still had obvious favorites and comments to make on these characters since I've been with them for so long.

Tripitaka/Elder - Idk what to say about this guy other than that he radiates massive pathetic wet cat energy. It feels like he's always about to have a panic attack no matter what happens and is the bringer of his own misfortune more often than not. He also has not nutted in ten lifetimes so the female demons are all really horny for him which is funny because women happen to be one of the things that gives him a panic attack. Overall he is likable and I was cheering for him.

Zhu Wuneng/Eight Rules/Pigsy- He is quite literally the closest thing this book has to reoccuring antagonist and even when Sun Wukong pulls pranks on him out of the blue for no reason I can't help but think he deserves it. Hands down the funniest part of this book comes in the very last chapter,"

'They have all become Buddhas!,' shouted Eight Rules,' Why am I alone made the Janitor of Altars?'

'Because you are still talkative and lazy,' replied the Buddha"

The humor in this book isn't really that laugh out loud funny but something about this line after 100 chapters of Eight Rules being the worst made me actually laugh.

Sha Wujing/Sha Monk/Sandy- He doesn't really do anything? He does more than the horse but for the most part he's just there. Probably my favorite of the pilgrims though, he's just an affable guy and I would be friends with him. Also I think it's funny whenever Eight Rules breaks up the party and tells Sha Monk he can go back to being a cannibal in his river. I'd also like to say that he was done super dirty by the Jade Emperor, he was kicked out of heaven for accidentally breaking a cup.

The horse- so the horse is interesting because my smart brain recognizes how much the horse does in this story in terms of the allegory but my dumb brain is like "it doesn't do anything tho." That's wrong because it does get its butt beaten once and pisses into a cup once so my dumb brain is wrong. In any case the horse is really a non character.

Guanyin/Tagatha- These two are the funniest of the deities and show up quite frequently. I really enjoy the two of them being extremely rude to everyone despite being the personification of compassion and The Way. Makes them feel really human.

Sun Wukong/Pilgrim/Great Sage Equal to Heaven/BanHorsePlague/Monkey- If having tons of names was a job Pilgrim would be rolling in dough. I didn't even list them all. No discussion of Journey to the West would be complete without mentioning Pilgrim, he is essentially the main character after all. I don't think I can effectively summarize his character but if you know nothing about him, he is essentially a massive pest. Constantly stealing things that will make him immortal. Also if you already know of Pilgrim due to the video series by OSP, I'm extremely happy to let you know that over the course of the book he does indeed become more immortal by stealing some ginseng, like 3 or 4 times more immortal. He is always telling Tripitaka to stop talking to strange women and children and every time he is ignored you feel very sad.

I am poorly gonna tell some of the more memorable stories from the book that don't already have their own OSP video since some of these are wild.

So our pilgrims are walking and find a monastary that looks just like Thunderclap mountain (place they are heading) and Tripitaka is all "let's go in!" and Pilgrim is all "no you r-slur its a trap from a demon" but no one listens to Pilgrim so they go in and surprise! It's a trap laid by a demon. Pilgrim escapes just barely but the demon has this bag that sucks everything in. He employs the help of some deities and they are sucked into the bag and imprisoned. So Pilgrim finds another set of celestial warriors and guess what? They too are sucked into the bag. They do this again before Pilgrim finds the correct god. Once they do everything is chill.

So they wander into a kingdom who has a very sick king. Pilgrim decides this is the job for him so he volunteers to make a cure and he makes his cure out of some...unconventional materials. Lots of herbs not usually put in medicine and piss from the horse who, by the way, is very protective of his piss and only pees a little bit. Anyways Pilgrim gives the medicine to the king who immediately has the best poop of his life. Then he recounts to Pilgrim how his wife was taken by some demon and Pilgrim decides to save the day. He fights the demon and finds them to be evenly matched. As he goes to find some divine help, he runs into some dude who is the buddha of the future (I am just as confused as you) anyways he instructs Pilgrim to lead the demon to the field of melons he's about to set up and then turn into a melon so he can offer Pilgrim to the demon to eat. This bizarre plan actually works and the demon is swiftly defeated.

Once again our pilgrims wander into a city but this time they have to disguise themselves because the king had taken a vow to kill ten thousand monks. Disguised as horse sales men, they stay at an inn and sleep in a wardrobe. While they sleep Pilgrim slips out, creates thousands of mini pilgrims, and shaves everyone's heads in the night in order to make it impossible to differentiate between monks. He slips back into the wardrobe which is then stolen and presented to the king. The monks come out, explain themselves and the king takes everything pretty well.

The monks finally make it to the kingdom of India, which is weirdly exactly like China. They stop at a monastery before heading into the city where they learn the head priest is keeping a girl who claims to be the princess captive. He asks the monks to investigate and the group heads into the city where Tripitaka is chosen to marry the Princess. Obviously Tripitaka can't marry but Pilgrim convinces him to go along with it and literally at the wedding he fights the fake princess. Turns out she was actually the rabbit on the moon and the real princess was a reincarnated moon goddess who slapped the little rabbit who was very salty about that. The moon gods come and help and the rabbit is taken back to the moon and everything is good and tripitaka doesn't have to get married.

This is less a story but the monks go over a river in a little boat and when they do they see a corpse and Tripitaka learns it's corpse and everyone starts clapping and saying congratulations. Made me think of Evangalion and was actually pretty creepy.

Anyways if you actually read all of this, thanks it's pretty rambling. !bookworms !classics

The 19th century Russian Empire was a great era for their national writers and poets like Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Pushkin, Gogol, Chekov. With stories raging from reckless foids to raging incels

!bookworms !classics, what are the works, writers and characters of Russian Literature you love and those you hate? And what are your unpopular opinions/hot takes on them?

!redscarepod

To discuss your weekly readings of books, textbooks and papers.

I'm back reading Vikings by Neil Price, I left it by half a couple of months ago now I'm close to finishing it. I also started “The R*pe of Europe” by Lynn H. Nicholas, is a book about the nazi censorship and theft of art during WW2 and the years preceding it. So far I only read the first chapter but is hilarious how Nazi definitions of “degeneracy” came down to Hitler's personal tastes (or lack of it) in art, he hated cubism, expressionism, impressionism, etc. One particular artist, Emil Nolde was an expressionist painter and a nazi sympathizer, he spent years licking nazi asses only to be cucked by them and forbidden to paint because “expressionism is degenerate”. I also thought the whole “Degenerate Art Exhibition” (which included paintings by Picasso and Van Gogh) was hilarious considering it got the double of attendance as the “Good German Art exhibition”, chuds eternally BTFO . I think I might write an effort post on it after finishing that book.

!bookworms !classics !neolibs

another good article is how doctors die, which he mentions in the post

now im sad i dont want to ever go to a hospital

For me (a patrician), it was Jack and the Beanstalk

I would read it like once a week

The part where the giant said:

Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum

I smell the blood of an English man

Be he alive, or be he dead

I'll grind his bones to make my bread

Ignited the in me

For some reason the version I had used Ronald Reagan's face as Jack on some pages lol

!bookworms what was your favorite fairy tale and why?

And I wish I were Commander in Chief in India. The first thing I would do to strike that Oriental race with amazement (not in the least regarding them as if they lived in the Strand, London, or at Camden Town), should be to proclaim to them in their language, that I considered my holding that appointment by the leave of God, to mean that I should do my utmost to exterminate the Race upon whom the stain of the late cruelties rested, and that I begged them to do me the favor to observe that I was there for that purpose and no other, and was now proceeding, with all convenient dispatch and merciful swiftness of execution, to blot it out of mankind and raze it off the face of the Earth.

!chuds !bookworms

Nerd Porn Auteur

(That's not a joke. That's the real title.)

I've noticed that there don't seem to be any porno movies

that are made for guys like me.

All the porn I've come across

was targeted at beer-swilling sports bar dwelling alpha-males

Men who like their women stupid and submissive

Men who can only get it up for monosyllabic peepee-hungry nymphos

with gargantuan breasts and a three-word vocabulary

Adult films are populated with these collagen-injected

liposuctioned women

Many of whom have resorted to surgery and self-mutilation

in an attempt to look the way they have been told to look.

These aren't real women. They're objects.

And these movies aren't erotic. They're pathetic.

These vacuum-headed frick bunnies don't turn me on.

They disgust me.

And it's not that I'm against pornography.

I mean, I'm a guy. And guys need porn.

Fact.

“Like a preacher needs pain, like a needle needs a vein,”

Guys need porn.

But I don't wanna watch this misogynist he-man woman-hater porn.

I want porno movies that are made with guys like me in mind:

Guys who know that the sexiest thing in the world

is a woman who is smarter than you are.

You can have the whole cheerleading squad,

I want the girl in the tweed skirt and the horn-rimmed glasses:

Betty Finnebowski, the valedictorian.

Oh yes.

First I want to copy her Trig homework,

and then I want to make mad, passionate love to her

for hours and hours

until she reluctantly asks if we can stop

because she doesn't want to miss Battlestar Galactica.

Summa c*m laude, baby!

That is what I call erotic.

But do you ever see that kind of a woman in a contemporary adult film?

No.

Which is why I'm going to start writing and directing Geek porno.

I shall be the quintessential Nerd porn Auteur.

And the women in my porno movies will be the kind

that drive nerds like me mad with desire.

I'm talking about the girls that used to frick up the grading curve.

The girls in the Latin Club and the National Honor Society.

Chicks with weird clothes, braces, four eyes, and 4.0 GPAs.

Brainy articulate bookworms, with MENSA cards in their purses

and chips on their shoulders.

My porn starlets will come in all shapes and sizes.

My porn starlets will be too busy working on their PhD to go to the gym.

In my kind of porno movies the girls wouldn't even have to get naked.

They'd just take the guys down to the rec room and

beat them repeatedly at chess

and then talk to them for hours about Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle

or the underlying social metaphors in the Aliens movies.

Buy stock in some hand cream companies

because there is about to be a major shortage.

And I'm not just talking about straight porn. Oh no.

There should be frick films for my nerd brethren

of all sexual orientations.

Gay nerd porn flicks with titles like “Dungeons and Drag-queens.”

This idea is a fricking gold mine.

I am gonna make millions,

because this country is full of database programmers

and electronics engineers

and they aren't getting the loving they so desperately need.

And you can help …

If you're an intelligent woman who is interested in breaking into the adult film industry,

and if you can tell me the name of Luke Skywalker's home planet,

then you are hired.

It doesn't matter if you think you're overweight or unattractive.

It doesn't matter if you don't think you're beautiful.

You are beautiful…

And I will make you a star.