EFFORTPOST Trying to be normal diaries: I went to a Drum and Bass rave

Hi! I'd like to introduce myself. I'm a 156cm black male. I identified as asexual for a large portion of my twenties. I no longer carry that label and have discovered I am attracted to women and want to form romantic and sexual bonds with them.

There are several problems that I face in this endeavor. The biggest is that I am not conventionally attractive, nor do I have a charismatic personality. Hence, even striking up a conversation with a woman can be a difficult task because of the “horn effect”. I also face the issue of being socially inexperienced, and incredibly so. I don't know how to talk to women, and most importantly, I have no idea how to express romantic and sexual interests appropriately.

The idea terrifies me because of the fear of rejection. But it also scares me because I don't want to #metoo a woman and expose her to my horniness if she's not interested. I don't want to be some woman's encounter-with-an-incel story (although I'm pretty sure I am already).

Despite the cards I've been dealt, I don't want to die an Incel. I would like to ascend and become a normie. This has required plenty of internal changes. I've been working out and changing my eating habits. Consequently, I've lost a shitload of weight, but I haven't been able to gain muscles. So I'm still skinny, but at least I can pull up my shirt to reveal a flat, increasingly “cut” stomach, which already puts me ahead of most men.

I'm posting proof for the doubters. This is a stern message to FATTIES. If I can accept that my inceldom is my fault, you must accept that your fatness is your fault. Nothing but dietary changes and consistent exercise is necessary to lose weight. It is not a matter of anything but the discipline to adhere to both. Fatness is looked down upon and rightfully so - it is the product of greediness and ill-discipline. Inceldom is also looked down upon and I accept that.

I've also been addressing my self-harming and attempting to stop the behavior. Ultimately, I need psychiatric care, but my doctor who has promised to find me a psychiatrist hasn't given me the referral I need yet so I've been white-knuckling it despite powerful emotional impulses. Even with these changes, if I ever get intimate with a woman, I will have to explain to her that my legs look like a chef's cutting board and I did it to myself.

I've been turning to acceptable forms of self-harming, including piercings which I'm about to add to my face. I'm planning on getting my first one soon, but I'm also getting braces on the 15th of January so I figure I'll have OPIOD DRUGS after the braces which will be nice to use after getting piercings so I'm deciding to wait for after the braces to get the piercings.

I'm praying I get glorious Tramadols instead of shitty codeine pills for the post-braces pain. If the dentist tries to get me codeine I'm telling them they make me puke and make me depressed (which is true), so he hopefully gets me something else. If he tries to give me fricking paracetamol I'm telling him I'm not accepting that and need something stronger.

There's also the issue of life and reality itself taunting me. I live in an apartment, with my neighboring apartments often rented out as Airbnb's. Consequently, I've been subjected to the cries of pure pleasure from different women from around the country getting their brains fricked out. It's a harsh reminder of the world I'm being excluded from. You won't understand it unless you've experienced it, but it is psychological torture. Genuinely enough to trigger suicidal thoughts if you're an incel.

Ever heard women screaming in porn and thought “darn that's obviously fake!”. No, it's not. Daily, women are getting fricked to the point of involuntarily vocalizing their ecstasy and moaning loudly during orgasms. If you're having silent missionary, just know there's some dude out there that could make your girl's toes curl and have her squeaking like a dog's chew toy as she's peepeeed down for multiple rounds.

I fully, 100% understand how Elliot Rodger felt when he heard his sister have s*x, and I get why it mentally affected him so severely. Being exposed to something like that is no joke, and it's been happening to me multiple times. I've started keeping a record in my diary of the times I've heard my neighbors having s*x, and I already have two entries from this week alone.

So, just so there's no confusion, I do want s*x. I want to insert my male peepee into a receptive female vagina and thrust it repeatedly for the sake of sexual pleasure. However, this doesn't discount the emotional and long-term goals I have to pair-bond with a woman.

Background - Death, Desires, and David Goggins

So there are three main drives right now that I'm using to essentially force myself into this situation:

1. Fear of dying an incel

2. David Goggins

3. Biological imperatives

The first is easy to understand. I am an incel and this is not a position I want to currently be in. It's not just about s*x, it's about loneliness and realizing I'm running out of time if I want the kind of marriage where I can grow with someone and experience the journey of life with them. Don't get me wrong, there's no issue with finding a wife in your 30s as a man, but you've already lived for so long that your single ways are ingrained into you. You'll miss out on experiencing maturation with a life partner.

If I die an incel, I'll also have nobody to talk to about being human and the intricacies of the condition. I'll be stuck explaining all this shit here. No offense, I love interacting and communicating with this community, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life having to turn here whenever I experience significant life events. I'd like to talk to a real female (woman) who cares about me.

The second driving force is David Goggins. I've been reading the book “Can't Hurt Me”. I haven't finished it yet, but it's already motivated me to try and be a better person. One of the things he points out is how harmful lying is, especially lying to myself. To combat this, he suggests pinning the things you want to change on your mirror. If you're fat, write it in the mirror so you're never lying to yourself. You can take it off when the message is a lie and you're not fat anymore.

Currently, I have three main weaknesses that need to change. I believe that overcoming them will improve my life overall, and escaping inceldom is a significant side-effect. Although I believe in honesty, at this point I'm only ready to talk about two of the items I have placed on my mirror. They are:

a) Coward

b) Lazy

Being lazy is also straightforward. For me to take off the label, I'll have to start certmaxing to hopefully improve my CV and life as a whole. The PhD dream is pretty much over for now. Tried applying at different places and basically being told to frick off. I don't think they're interested in dropouts, but to be fair I've also been aiming pretty high and might need to lower my sights when it comes to what universities I'm applying to. But for now, I'm going the certmaxxing route because I want to escape the poorcel life as soon as possible.

After my first cert, I'll consider myself cured of laziness. The one I'm considering first begins in February and lasts ten weeks. I think I can manage to remain disciplined enough to complete it because I've bailed on Khan Academy shit I've paid for. But this is a genuine cert this time from an accredited IRL university.

Lastly, there's cowardice. After telling S.H. about my feelings, I know I'm capable of feeling fear and acting regardless - that is true bravery, the opposite of cowardice. I just need sufficient “meaning” behind the action. So, I've set five fear-based challenges for myself, and if I complete them all, I'll no longer have to call myself a coward. They are: join hiking club, get a manicure, get facial piercing, go skydiving, go to nightclub.

By going to the drum and bass rave, I'll get to scratch the nightclub mission off my list. It cannot be understated how scared I am. Due to my height, there's also the chance of me getting ID'd at the door which is an embarrassing experience. I also have no friends so I'm going alone.

I believe I deserve extra courage points for doing it with no friends to fall back on. How many of you are courageous enough to go to a fricking nightclub all by yourself and there's literally nobody you know there? I'm doing it as a socially r-slurred 5 foot 1 manlet so just try and beat that. I've been having the shits all day which is a sign of high-level nervousness for me.

Okay, so point three is the biological drive. I'm lonely and horny. I need to solve this or else I'll be perpetually unfulfilled and unhappy. It's that simple.

My primary objective in going to the rave isn't to hook up or have s*x (although those are the ideal outcomes). My main goal is to simply talk to people. If I can have a normal interaction with one female stranger, then I'll consider the whole thing a success. Just one normie interaction.

To sum up:

• Bronze - Get to club and enter

• Bronze - Buy soda and cigarettes

• Bronze - Enjoy scene without standing in corner looking at phone the whole time

• Silver - Talk to female successfully

• Silver - Talk to female successfully without disgusting her or being told to frick off

• Gold - Score a date

• Gold - Kiss girl

• Platinum - Get laid

• Secret trophy - Acquire drugs I don't currently have

I just need a fricking silver trophy and I'm done.

Getting to the club

So one of the hurdles I need to overcome is getting to the club. It's not far. Google Maps tells me it's only about three minutes away by vehicle. However, even with this short trip, there are some problems.

Firstly, I'm a scared driver. This is in part because I was in a bad accident this year that totaled my first car. Since then, I've been James May Captain Slow on the road, and I only drive places I'm familiar with - I'm not familiar with the place I'm going and that alone makes me nervous.

Secondly, I'm planning on taking benzos. There is half of me that just wants to do the whole thing sober, the same way I confessed feelings to S.H., but I know if I do, I'll end up standing around nervously, I'll turn to alcohol to calm myself, and my driving will be shittier than ever because I'm a teetotaller. I don't touch alcohol in my regular life. Small amounts frick me up significantly but I WILL drink if I have to go to a nightclub sober. In my opinion, 2-3 beers will frick up my driving more than 2-3 benzos.

Hence, I'm taking benzos instead. I believe I can drive like a normal person if I take just two, which is double the actual therapeutic dosage I've been prescribed. I'll take them just before I leave so that they'll only hit once I've arrived. I'll also pack a few more in my wallet in case I need more, as well as my weed vape.

I've also set a rule for myself - if I take benzos, then THERE WILL BE NO ALCOHOL CONSUMED. I'll just buy a coke to nurse the whole night and a pack of cigarettes so that I'm never stuck doing nothing. Ideally, I should pop nothing more after the first two benzos, but if you're familiar with the drug, you'll know the whole redosing then forgetting then redosing cycle that occurs.

I could call an Uber, but frick that. There are two routes to the club. One is the “hard” route because it involves crossing multiple intersections with two-way traffic. I don't think I should tackle them after a night of benzos so I'll get to the club this way. This will leave my car facing the “easy” route when I need to go home.

I don't have to deal with intersections where I have to stop on the “easy” route, but there is one traffic circle which will be the hardest part of the trip. I hate traffic circles. But I'm hoping by the time I leave, it'll be so late at night that I won't have to negotiate the circle with anyone else. However, it's also a Friday night at the end of the year, so the odds of the roads being entirely empty are low, even past midnight.

I've also read that cigarettes actually dull the Benzo high, so I think I'll smoke a cig or two before I drive home. But a lot of the research is anecdotal evidence from Reddit. If I feel like I'm too fricked I can always just walk home and pick up my car the next morning. The problem with this plan is that benzos don't really allow you to adequately determine how fricked you are so I could be walking like a cripple after 6 benzos and still feel 100% sober.

Driving at night on benzos. Woo!

Preparations

Okay, so I'm writing this a few hours before the event is supposed to begin. I've cleaned my apartment JUST IN CASE I get a platinum trophy although I fully do NOT expect to acquire it unless I have insane beginner's luck.

I also bought my ticket online beforehand. This was done to kind of “lock me in” to the event, making it harder for me to bail out of fear. I already have my entrance ticket. All I need to do is just go.

There are obviously countless guides online on how to pick up girls at raves and clubs but I feel like if I go with a game plan, I'll have this idea in my mind that I need to do or say the right things which ends up making you look inauthentic and it also stresses you out when you're trying to keep all that shit in your mind.

The only vague plan I have is to find a woman who is mad into drugs. Tell her I have weed (joints, edibles, THC drink, a fricking desktop vape for my jar of bud), ambien, benzos, sceletium tortuosum, and DMT at home. You're invited! But of course, this depends on just how druggie the girls are. If I see barefoot white girls with dreadlocks, I'm attempting to share my cigarettes and weed vape with them. Hopefully, they're into me as well because I have shoulder-length dreadlocks and probably do look like a druggie on the surface (I am a druggie).

The last kind of strategy I have in the back of my mind is to stay until closing time when it's anecdotally supposed to be easier to pick up girls. This is apparently when the desperate women are just waiting for someone to take them home. This requires me to stick around until 2 AM which will depend on how comfortable I am at the event. I can imagine a scenario where I leave after an hour if I'm feeling too uneasy.

I don't listen to drum and bass. To be honest, I don't even know what that is. However, the advertisements for the event were psychedelic which clued me in on what kind of crowd to expect. After searching Google for drum and bass, a lot of Reddit folks say it's a drug kind of scene. Might be perfect for me.

As for clothing, I'm just going for jeans, a black shirt, and sneakers. My sneakers are high-tops which should raise me from 156cm to maybe 158cm which is better than nothing. Other than that, no other plans. Just going to show up and take things from there. I can't predict what's going to happen.

Oh yeah, I also withdrew a fat stack of cash. Way more than I'll need lol but I'm just planning for a worse/best-case scenario - what if I get a table, buy expensive bottles, and wait for women to flock to me? The event starts at 6 PM, but I plan on arriving at around 9:30 to 10 PM so that I don't have to deal with navigating an empty venue. As I write this, I have about 4 hours left.

The experience

I'm writing this right after returning so it's still fresh in my mind.

I took two benzos, saved a few more in my wallet and headed off. My driving was completely normal but I was so nervous I literally did a Payton Gendron and took a wrong turn lol. Driving at night is scary but it's also kinda fun because it feels like you're in a horror movie. Anyway, I turn into the nightclub's parking and slotted myself in. It was kinda packed which made me nervous because I'd have to navigate to leave at some point.

But I did it. I fricking did it. I went to a drum and bass rave alone as a 5 foot 1 manlet. I entered the establishment after showing the bouncers my ticket on my phone. They stamped my wrist and I entered. Inside, there was a bar, a dance floor, and a room that I think is a smoking room. I headed to the bar and it wasn't clear how you line up. An older looking girl with pigtails came near me. She was barefoot! I said hi and she greeted me back with a smile. I think we were both confused about the whole lining up at the bar thing. She got served first, and I was served shortly after. It didn't look like they sold cigarettes because I couldn't see any, so I just ordered a Red Bull which I could see. She took one out the fridge and poured it into a glass with a smile. I paid her with a large bank note that was a big tip for her.

I then walked over to the dance floor where I kinda just bobbed my head to the music with the rest of the attendees. The benzos had me calm so I was actually smiling and I was at the back of the dance floor. There were people dancing energetically. One guy had his shirt off and was sweating. Others were going crazy in the laser lunacy. There were also a lot of women and they looked gorgeous. There were unironically druggie white girls with dreadlocks! However, I faced a contender I hadn't anticipated - the white chad with dreadlocks. They were there too!

There were also other guys like me who were clearly there alone but came to just enjoy the music. I could see some social networks. People greeted each other like old friends.

The cutest one of all was a small girl about my height. She was wearing a black outfit and she was dancing like a lunatic on the dance floor. It seemed like she was there alone, but even if I wanted to dance with her, I would never have been able to keep up with based moves. I really like her

I actually enjoyed the music and I liked being on the dance floor with other people just enjoying the music. Everyone was chilled, literally zero aggression from anywhere. Just people around to have fun and enjoy some music. I think there were some drugs. I saw one girl pass another something that suspiciously looked like pills but I can't be sure. I also saw money being exchanged between people on the dancefloor so I assume those were drug transactions. Lastly, there was a very older guy walking around with a weed hat and a fanny pack. It's hard to describe but it's like he was just advertising that he was selling drugs.

There was a bathroom around a wall near the dance floor. I think people went in there to do drugs. I did not go in there. A lot of the time, heterosexual pairs would scurry there. Was s*x going on? I also saw a lot of guys dancing with girls, although it seemed like some were already couples. Overall, I think it's actually relatively easy to hook up with a girl on the dance floor in a night club. However, it requires skills I don't have yet - dancing, rizz, and body language. I cannot stress the last one enough. It's loud so a lot of the interactions are non-verbal. Consequently, a lot of weird things happened and I'm not sure of how to interpret them yet.

I saw a #metoo. An indian man came up behind a black girl and just grabbed her butt with both hands. She turned around and looked annoyed. She then went to the dance floor and kissed a girl.

Also, posting proof for the haters. I fricking left my house and went to a night club !truecels I am trying to ascend.

So, if I had at least 6/10 social skills, I think I could kiss a girl at a night club. People there are actually very open and keen to meet new people, whether it's because they're drunk or on drugs. However, I have 2/10 social skills. So here's the weird things that happened:

1. pigtail girl

The pigtail girl was on the dancefloor dancing a lot. She seemed to have some friends on the dance floor. I was dancing nearby, she turned around, looked at me, then came and danced near me. I didn't know what to do, so I just left her to dance. What was I supposed to do here? !biofoids

2. dreadlocks girl

Holy shit I actually interacted with cute dreadlocks girl multiple times I can't fricking believe it. The first time, I went to the back of the club to sit down for a bit and sip on my red bull while I vaped. The dreadlocks girl came to the same place and smiled at me and said hi. I greeted her back with a smile, then she went in her purse to pull out a cigarette to smoke. She then continued to dance near me but she wasn't facing me.

A little later, she returned and leaned over me while smiling as she grabbed an ashtray near me. She put down her purse and black jacket next to me before finishing her cigarette and returning to the dance floor to dance like a maniac.

I didn't want to be the guy in the meme and just sit in the corner for the whole night so I headed back to the dance floor and chilled at the back. An old guy said something liking the music and I agreed. After a while I returned to the bench at the back. I wanted to take a picture and check the time. Dreadlocks girl returned and sat next to me. She smiled and waved at me before just sitting and relaxing. Should I have spoke to her? Idk. But I didn't. A polite smile is all I can muster at this point. There's also the question - did she wanted to get spoken to? I think for now this is what I interpret from all her action: "I am comfortable enough to sit around you. You also seem trustworthy enough for me to leave my belongings near you. I see you enjoying the event, and I am enjoying it too. That's great!" I don't think I needed to ruin it with rizz or anything like that. I feel like I made the right choice not talking to her but I may be wrong.

At about 11:30 I wanted to leave. I was tired and I felt like I had completed the experiment. Nothing of further note was going to occur. I left and entered my car. At that point, the police arrived. They literally drove past me in the parking lot and stared me dead in the eyes. I saw them park, and they started standing around the club so maybe I left at the right time.

I ended up taking the "hard" way home idk why just felt like it. I felt super chilled on the benzos so I wasn't that scared, I maneuvered through a packed parking lot with cops and then drove home and parked fine. When I got to my bedroom I looked in the mirror and saw that my eyes were as red as devil's peepee from vaping so much in the club. I think I narrowly dodged a DWI tbh, if the cops had felt like fricking with me they may have even found the pills in my wallet.

Conclusion

So that was my time at the Drum and Bass rave. That's one challenge scratched off the "coward" label. I think I will give myself the bronze

• Bronze - Enjoy scene without standing in corner looking at phone the whole time

I interacted with women, (including the dreadlocks cutie!) but I didn't have conversations with them or learn their names, so I don't think I deserve a silver. What do you think?

I feel proud of myself for going so far out of my comfort zone. Would I go to a nightclub again? Maybe, it's honestly not the worst experience, especially if the music is good. I'm happy I was brave enough to go at all. I feel like I accomplished something massive, and I feel ready to take on further challenges. I think I should try talking to women at calmer locations, which might happen when I join the hiking club.

Tune in next time as I try to be normal. I think the next challenge on the list is to get a manicure. Terrifying because it involves shitloads of touching which makes me nervous I don't like being touched so this is going to be exposure therapy. Let's see how that goes.