my moms bf is dying and it's his fault

i've posted about this a few rimes before but here's the approximate timeline:

-his grandmother dies of heart failure

-his father has a stroke aged 48

-he becomes severely overweight/obese

-i become besties with his daughter

-my mom starts dating him

-he's a racist sexist homophobic generally bigoted frick

-i tell her

-she gets mad at me

-rinse and repeat for 4 years

-he refuses to do to any medical treatment including rapid covid tests

-he randomly stops taking his hypertension meds

-he complains of chest pain

-he gets sick

-wakes up saying he can't breathe for a few days

-gets lungs scanned after flaking the first time

-doctor says situation is extremely dangerous and he has to go to the hospital

-goes to the hospital

-gets diagnoes with lvnc (a rare congenital heart defect where the left ventricle is enlarged and weak)

-gets diagnosed with 7 cm of water in his lungs on both sides

-gets put in the icu

-and also has to take a shit ton of diuretics

-is incredibly rude and uncooperative

-gets a vest to fix any arrhythmia or sudden heart failure

-still uncooperative

-mom is crying every day

-he gets diagnosed with arteries so clogged his arm has virtually no blood supply

-could've died at any point in time for YEARS

-i feel no sympathy or empathy or compassion

and now i can't go to ballet class because my mom is so mentally exhausted she doesn't feel safe driving

i can't believe this dumb FRICK was so stupid and now my education has to suffer for it. i hope he dies. idc if that sounds harsh i can't stand his worthless existence and he should die.

i'm trying not to cry right now not because of him but because of my class. i've missed so much because of his stupid fricking antics and i'm sick of it. the day he dies i'll celebrate in secret.

thank you so much i just had an argument with my mom about class that wasn't an argument and more me asking why my brother who has to practice driving can't drive and she started yelling at me that she doesn't cancel on my teacher if she doesn't have to and that she's been so stressed all semester but also it's not like i haven't told her to talk to a therapist about 50 years of trauma before 🤷🏼‍♀️ he is absolutely the nurse's and doctor's nightmare because he's a GROWN FRICKING MAN who can't wear a vest to save his life

and thank you so much i just wish i could use public transport or something but my mom forbids me because she says it'll take too long to come home :/

i'm 13 and unfortunately there are no ways for me to become more independent except for trying to spend more time with friends but i have none that i would stand spending more than a couple of hours with

i just can't stand my mom and she's so childish and i feel like i have to raise her sometimes and her bf is another can of worms i just hope he dies and she grows up and stops being so controlling that she can't live with the idea of her child doing what makes her happy yk

i think i'll break my no purge streak to get rid of this. i can't focus on my homework. i think when i purge i'll be able to do better. my mom is acting like nothing happened as if she didn't yell at me for talking about my german teacher being a b-word like 3 minutes ago. it's killing me but it's better than having to confront my emotions. it's not like i can do ballet today anyways.

and now i'm shoveling ice cream into my face and sobbing i feel like a fricking pig i thought recovery was supposed to be rewarding not this shit

thank you so much <3 i just am so frustrated because i'm already fighting an uphill battle with ballet class and i want to go pro so bad and i really can't afford to miss classes unless i'm actively dying so this unnecessary hindrance is really just fricking me over rn and i can't even be openly mad at it because according to my mom “she's done all the could and i should stop being ungrateful” as if that helps me. my friends aren't really an issue it's just that i get socially drained so fast and i don't want to ask for help yk also i'm not even allowed to talk about his health because he thinks the world revolves around only him and everyone is fricking foaming at the mouth to hear about his pulmonary health 🥲 i don't see a counselor and my school psychologist is more insane than everyone else so i think i'll ask my brother to send me ip because i've been mulling it over anyway. thank you for your kind response :)

i know that she has cause for being distraught trust me i know. and this isn't just about one lesson. this has been like this categorically for YEARS. and she never cared about my anorexia. not when i told her. not when i told her i purged. not when i cut myself. not when my hair was falling out. not when i nearly collapsed multiple times. not when i broke down crying because i saw no reason for living. not when i BEGGED her for therapy. and not in the moments in between. do you know what she said? every time? i'm hysterical. every girl has this. i'm skinny anyways. she only let me do it because my physiotherapist told her if i don't do a sport that strengthens my back i won't be able to walk or stand properly. you're right that she drives me and bends over backwards for ballet. and i appreciate that. of course i do. i'm anorexic not blind. she never acknowledged my anorexia. she still doesn't. i've had this since i was 11 for christ's sake. i have empathy for her. and i've worried myself sick for her. and i've cried myself to sleep because i was so worried. but now i'm at the end of my rope because we aren't allowed to criticize him. at all. not even for saying slurs or for nearly giving himself a heart attack. this has been my passion since i can remember. she just never let me. she's been arguing with him nonstop for the majority of those 4 years. my hate is not just because he caused it himself. but because he makes her cry. and he makes her scream. and he's terribly homophobic and transphobic. and her children are trans and lesbian respectively. and she knows this. and refuses to acknowledge it. i'm hoping he dies because he has been nothing but a burden on her and on us. he told her she's high maintenance when she had severe covid and was scared because she had had a pulmonary thrombosis before. he told her he couldn't afford a life with her if he couldn't work. my mother is the most generous woman out there. she is a deeply flawed woman who cannot better herself for herself or her children. but she is NOT anything he says she is. he badmouths her to her parents and to me. so pardon me for wanting him gone. and i know my mother will not leave him. so till death do them part quite literally. and i've done nothing but cut her slack for years. when she yelled at me. when she made herself the victim. when she made me cry until i threw up. when she told me to graduate the final high school exam with a perfect score when i was 11. when she told me getting bullied was my fault. when she stood by while her boyfriend said gay people should undergo shock therapy while i sat next to him. when she asked me “are you going to eat all that” after i broke down to her about my eating. when she told me when she was 18 and 175 cm her waist way 63 cm so 67 with 168 is nothing to brag about. when she screamed. i showed nothing but empathy. and fricking excuse me for being at the end of my rope. i can't tell anyone i feel this way so i post here. i know she has reason to be distraught. and i'm not bashing that. what i am bashing is that she refuses to see a way out of this situation. after all. she always told me to stop crying and “grow up” because wallowing in self pity will do nothing. she told me that when she saw me on my balcony when i wanted to kill myself. she told me that when she forced my greatest fear food down my throat screaming at me to stop crying. i remember that clear as day. she still jokes about it occasionally. i have done nothing but be kind so excuse me but i need an outlet for my own emotions too.

ok so update: many things happened so i'll list them here

-he got transferred to another hospital

-mom got told he'll get a bypass and stents both

-the nurses are rude as frick

-he got an angiography and would've gotten stents yesterday

-bypass is too difficult to do because it's in a complicated location or smth it's unclear

-mom found out like 10 minutes ago that he'll most likely get a heart transplantation

-he's wearing a defibrillator vest

-he had at least one heart attack

-part of his heart is necrotic

-we don't know how long it'll take to get a donor

he also checked his work emails again and will most likely never be able to work again

i hope he thinks about how much this shit brought him. staying up until 1 am checking emails and working during the holidays. blowing us off for work. ignoring us at the dinner table in favor of his work phone. taking calls while driving. it was all for nothing.

kk he's back to work and eating spoonfuls of JUST BUTTER now but he's also added a sprinkle of ✨food rules✨ which is funny bc my mom knows im in recovery and he knows too i think. he just terms food as “good” or “bad” and forbids himself and everyone else from having it but shovels his mouth full like a pig when he thinks we aren't watching. we are. recently, my sister and mom yelled at him super long bc he made a bunch if sexist remarks and my sister rightfully pointed out that even when hes working he doesnt bring anything ti the table. he tips 8 cents and feels good abt it. so mom said hes gna change. i doubt it. my sister doubts ut. but st least now he knows he can't get away with that shit anymore.