Sexplain It: We're in an Open Pansexual Relationship, but No One Will Sleep With Us

Dear Sexplain It,

My partner (nonbinary, assigned male at birth) and I (cis woman) are in an open, pansexually-fueled relationship. They recently started going by more gender-fluid pronouns and clothing, and I am so proud! Since we’re both sexual beings, we’ve been on Tinder, and they’ve been on Grindr.

I want some advice on how to throw a s*x party! I just moved to Denver and want to get down and dirty, but not sure where to start. Also, we can never find anyone on these dating sites that want to frick the both of us. It’s one or the other, and it’s SO FRUSTRATING!

That said, we really haven’t been finding anyone to play with either separately or together. Hence, S*X PARTY! Any advice on how to throw one? Obviously, we’ve tried going to awesome queer-friendly bars and clubs but have had very little success getting a threesome or orgy started.

Facebook seems so 20th century and kinda embarrassing, so not sure where to look! Maybe that’s where I should start? Eek, please help!

—Sexually Frustrated Bunny

Dear Sexually Frustrated Bunny,

First, I can't express how much I love the phrase "pansexually-fueled relationship." Letting you know now that I'm going to steal that.

Unfortunately, I'm not as onboard with your "hence, S*X PARTY" logic. If you've struggled to meet partners thus far, how will you lock in attendees? People aren't going to magically appear at your home just because you announce you're throwing a s*x party. (Site note: They also won't automatically want to frick both of you just because you're hosting a s*x party.) Throwing a s*x party isn't a solution to your problem---it's something you can do after you've solved your problem by other means: namely, finding the queer/swinger/polyamorous/kinky "scene" in Denver.

All it takes is meeting one person or one couple who's in the scene; they'll introduce you to everyone else. You mention that you've been using Tinder and Grindr to meet potential partners, but those aren't the best apps for your specific needs. I suggest using apps that cater more to queer, sexually-adventurous folks looking for thirds/gangbangs/s*x parties: Feeld, Sniffies, and FetLife.

Feeld is geared toward the non-monogamous community, from polyamorous people to couples looking for a third. (In my personal experience, there are also a lot of queer folks in the "scene" on Feeld who can take you to play parties and introduce you to other likeminded people.) What I really like about Feeld is that you and your partner can link your two accounts to clearly show you're a couple, while still retaining individual profiles. You're much more likely to find partners DTFYB (down to frick you both) if you can prove you are two autonomous people, instead of some sketchy "joint profile" situation where potential partners aren't sure who they're actually talking to.

Sniffies is specifically a queer male cruising app, and there are a lot of bi guys who use it (myself included). I've had threesomes with mixed-gender, pansexually-fueled couples on the app. I recommend that your partner create a profile and mention in their bio that they are pan and looking to have a threesome with their female partner. Then go ahead and message all the guys on the app who state that they're bi/pan. (Normally I wouldn't give this advice re: assuming any bi/pan folks are open to a threesome, but on Sniffies, a cruising app, these men are indeed looking for three-ways.)

Last but not least, I suggest getting on FetLife for their "munches": non-sexual meet-ups where you can meet other kinky/poly people.

Getting on the right apps and finding your community will hopefully solve your core problem of not having any partners. Then if you still want to throw a s*x party down the line, you'll actually have attendees.

As someone who's hosted multiple s*x parties and attended well over 100, I can't resist giving you a few tips.~~\

~~

When throwing a s*x party, you want all the necessary supplies: Condoms, lube, wet wipes, s*x toys, etc. "For your first play party, pick a sexy theme that will encourage others to dress up and be playful before they arrive," says Claudia Aguirre, co-founder of Luxury Lifestyle Vacation, which runs s*x resort takeovers across the globe. Underwater, wild west, winter wonderland, circus, and red wedding are all classic themes. Then create an ambiance with lights and candles and decorate your space in line with the theme. You should also make a little s*x playlist for the occasion, so you're not constantly futzing with the music.

Lastly, I recommend doing a spiel once guests arrive. Start with any house rules (e.g., are there places guests can't frick?). Then move into consent guidelines. Below, I've provided an excerpt of what the consent monitor reads at the door of BISLUT, the mixed-gender s*x party I throw in Brooklyn. We handed out a piece of paper for all the guests to read out loud.

"All right, now in order to make sure that everyone has the sluttiest, creamiest, and sexiest party, we need your help to create a safe, inclusive, and inviting party.

As a group, please read out loud what you see on the paper I've just shared with you.

I understand that BISLUT is a party for ALL sluts and will respect each person's experience.

I understand that consent is a vital part of respecting each person's experience.

I understand that consent is ongoing, grateful, reversible, enthusiastic, specific, and very, very sexy.

I understand that sexual activities are fun, collaborative, and sometimes silly activities that I have the privilege of experiencing with others.

I understand that I do NOT need to partake in any activities and that I have complete agency to be my sexy slutty self all by myself.

I will bring my communicative, open, friendly, kind, and sparkly self to all at the party."

From there, let the crowd run wild and get your freak on! If, by the time you throw your party, you still haven't found partners who are DTFYB, perhaps you can have one-on-one s*x in the same room, side by side?

Wishing you all the best on your journey to find your s*x-positive people!