Lord Protector Lawlz, Master of Autism, Slayer of Agendaposters. HAIL!

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joined 09 Aug 2021

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Lord Protector Lawlz, Master of Autism, Slayer of Agendaposters. HAIL!

12150 coins   100 marseybux   104 followers   follows 0 users   joined 09 Aug 2021

No bio...

Awards received

x2 x1 x1 x8 x1 x4 x1 x5 x2 x1 x1

User ID: 3833

Coins spent: 0

True score: 9870

Winnings: 0

Beta User Master Baiter Sk8r Boi Halloween 21 Alt-Seeing Eye Sigma User Unblockable Christmas 21 1st Birthgay Bash Survivor 1 Year Old πŸ₯° God Save The Kween
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What it's like interacting with SRD users
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It's a comment I see often and it's hilarious literally every time. People act like the teenagers making minimum wage at AMC are forcing them at gunpoint to buy an extra large popcorn and soda. If the price is so high then you could know...not purchase it...and simply go to see the movie you bought a ticket for. But I almost never see anyone acknowledge that. Theater concessions have never not been optional. People act like they're comedy clubs with two-drink minimums.

Americans will literally be like "I fucking hate" shoves handful of popcorn into mouth "how goddamn expensive" inhales box of candy "these snacks are!!" drinks entire gallon of soda

I know I've mentioned it before but I genuinely hate JJ Abrams

I really think out of all the mainstream celebrity directors, he's the worst. Like the guy is genuinely terrible. I can't think of any other director so completely lacking in originality. Literally everything he makes is a blatant ripoff or remake of something else but without all the things that made the original work good. I unironically think he's the physical embodiment of everything wrong with modern Hollywood. He only makes cash grab remakes and reboots and does absolutely anything his corporate overlords ask of him.

I saw a video from Zero Punctuation one time where he talked about some indie game developer that he really doesn't like but still respects because the guy genuinely tries to make something different even if it doesn't end up working well. He's not the first critic I've seen say something to that effect. Meaning, I think a lot of critics have way more respect for someone that tries and fails to do something unique than someone that doesn't care and makes something bland and soulless. I feel the same way. M. Night Shyamalan, for example, is still ambitious even when he doesn't succeed. The Michael Bay Transformers sucked ass but you could tell he still had a unique artistic vision and a distinct style. I've seen almost all of Abrams' movies except Super 8 and I remember almost nothing about any of them except Mission Impossible 3. The only things I distinctly remember were the things that pissed me off.

The praise he's gotten for being progressive also makes me cringe cause I unironically think he's kind of sexist. He turned Uhura, arguably the most iconic black woman in the history of science fiction, into Spock's nagging girlfriend. I still have no idea what possessed him to do it because a romance between them was never hinted at in the 80 episodes and six other films. I genuinely believe their logic was "She's the hot chick on the ship so she's gotta be screwing somebody, right?". And casting a white British actor (that isn't even good) to play Khan was even stupider and I can't believe anyone involved actually thought that would be a good idea.

I'm really not exaggerating when I say that I genuinely believe he's single-handedly making movies worse as a whole. The fact that he keeps being given the reigns to projects with $200 million budgets while the next Scorsese is probably out there washing dishes at some shithole diner makes me so mad.

This is what British people find funny
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  • SeriousPostingCuteTwink: My plan is every time someone insults me, I upload a tryhard video of my terrible performance art.
Is it weird that I enjoy Bill Maher unironically?

Real Time is literally the only talk show I actually watch every once in a while and I usually enjoy it. Even if I don't agree with everything he says, I still like hearing his opinions and the discussions he has with guests. I believe there was an episode where he had on Charlamagne Tha God and one thing I noticed is that while Maher was really respectful and valued Charlamagne's perspective as a black man, he still felt confident enough to provide his own opinions instead of just letting Charlamagne take over the show and mindlessly agreeing with everything he said. It was a super chill and mutually respectful discussion and I feel like they both valued each others opinions. Ben Shapiro is a little twerp that I wish I could shove into a locker but I do kind of admire that Maher was willing to have him on the show because I doubt many others would have. And I think Ben is a lot less annoying when he's invited to someone else's show in good faith: He seriously feels like a totally different person in that clip. If Shapiro was like that all the time then I would probably actually watch him just to hear a different perspective.

Maher is the only talk show host that isn't either overly sanitized to appeal to boomers and general audiences or just stereotypically liberal. Maher will gladly make fun of liberals and Democrats if he feels it's warranted even though he's definitely pretty left-leaning. There was one time where he actually glared and mocked his own audience in the show cause I think they laughed at something that wasn't supposed to be funny.

Like yeah, maybe he comes off a bit smug at times but at least he has an actual personality.

Chet Hanks' full interview with Ziwe on Showtime is genuinely one of the funniest things I've watched in a while

I've seen the full thing like three times now

The two of them should seriously team up and host the show together. They have an incredibly bizarre yet hilarious dynamic. Chet as the manic, slightly insensitive stoner and Ziwe as the more liberal-minded straight man. I've seen a couple other clips on her show but none are as funny because I think a lot of her other guests are a bit more similar to her. Chet was the polar opposite of her in basically every way. The guy is basically a walking cartoon character.

The way he was able to turn some of her questions back on her was absolutely hilarious. She basically lost control of the show by the end lmao.

Is it weird that Tom Cruise's never-ending success almost makes me want to be a Scientologist?

The man is almost 60 and he barely looks 40. All of his scandals and ties to the church of Scientology are public knowledge but none of them have slowed his career down even a little bit. Almost every movie he stars in is a cultural event that everyone wants to see. The last two he's been in have scored 97% on Rotten Tomatoes which is nearly goddamned impossible to do. His net worth is over half a billion dollars.

The motherfucker flies planes and climbs skyscrapers for real. He sat on the top of the Burj Khalifa as casually as you or I would sit on our couch:

I highly doubt there's ever been a cult in human history with a better mascot than him. If I joined, I would probably give up my free will and have to sever ties to my family members, but that's a small price to pay since they clearly found the secrets to eternal youth and astronomical wealth.


This whole thread is honestly peak reddit. The dude spends literal hours upon hours shitposting on reddit and playing video games and can't be bothered to step away for, what, like 30 minutes per week max to keep his lawn not looking like total shit. It's honestly kind of funny how committed some people are to not getting even the slightest bit of exercise or performing the slightest bit of self care/discipline. It's kind of scary to me that someone that a grown man this absurdly lazy is actually raising a child now.

We're holding some pointless three-day conference today through Wednesday that is mandatory to attend. It's ultimately just a bunch of generic middle-aged white dudes in suits getting on stage and telling everyone that our irrelevant company is actually changing the world even though nobody knows who we are. It's mind-numbingly boring and at the end of the first day, they held a Q and A session but no one actually wanted to ask a question.

I was really, really tempted to go up there and ask the dumbest, most pointless question possible. Something super in line with my shitposts where it would have ultimately left all these egotistical corporate bigwigs totally confused and thinking I'm a moron. I wanted to grab the microphone and be like

"Hello, I have a question. What do you think will happen on the next season of Better Call Saul?"


"The season premiere is in a few days and I was curious if you had any theories about it."

"That isn't really pertinent to this conference. Do you have any more important questions?"

"Yeah. I found black stuff under my bathroom sink. How do I know if it's dirt or black mold?"

In retrospect, I kinda wish I had done it because I know there wouldn't have been any consequences. It wouldn't have been offensive in any way so they couldn't have written me up for it even if they still would have thought I was the biggest imbecile they've ever employed.

Reported by:

My account got suspended out of nowhere, wtf

I genuinely have no idea why lol

Reported by:

  • ____1: Watch this go nowhere in 2 weeks
  • ZombieWolf: Remember to like, share, and subscribe. :wolfthumbsup:
  • Aevann: Watch this go nowhere in 10 years
  • BeauBiden: i love cirno
  • ThePoopBANDIT: More like cringeno.
  • Martzy: You should post this r/agedlikemilk oh wait you can’t lol
What series of horrific life choices have led me to this?

I have to kill myself, right?

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Interesting content from the most interesting moderator The Power of the Dog was so goddamn boring that it made me want to kill myself

It's two hours long and literally nothing happens in that entire runtime

The most eventful, character-developing moment is when Cumberbatch masturbates into a handkerchief. I'm not kidding, that's genuinely the most exciting thing to happen in the movie.

I had to straight-up force myself to finish it because I would have felt like a wimp if I cut my losses and turned it off halfway through. But god it felt like the longest 2 hours of my entire life. And Cumberbatch feels even more miscast as a cowboy than he did playing Khan lmao.

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Isn't it weird how Euphoria shows the horrors of drug use while simultaneously promoting obesity?

I just started watching season 1. The overweight girl's storyline is so cringeworthy that I'm not sure I can last two full seasons of this. There are lengthy scenes of her putting on some makeup and tight clothing then strutting down the hallway while everyone looks at her in amazement. It's done totally without irony and she's portrayed as some kind of empowering girlboss purely for being fat. I feel like I'm watching some weird self-insert fanfic except it's apparently written by a man. She even at one point says "There's nothing more powerful than a fat girl who doesn't give a fuck". Jesus Christ. How in the hell is this one of HBO's most popular series ever?

I genuinely don't think the creators see any irony in making a show that shows how horrible drugs are you for while simultaneously promoting obesity. One kills far more people than the other and it isn't the one the show focuses on.

I really like Zendaya which is why I started watching this but a lot of the scenes that don't feature her suck major balls.

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Lmao I think he's actually going to jail
Reported by:

  • ManBearFridge: I'm not giving you attention unless you put some effort into it
  • JohnMcafee: Family guy funny moments #23
This is what it feels like watching Boogie2988
Reported by:

  • xirabolt: Wisconsinphobic speech
  • mauriciomacri: finally a good lawlzpost
  • ManBearFridge: I'm glad you have accepted that this place is the future of lawlzposting
  • dart200: no, but do explain i'm enthralled
  • Wuzizname: How many years is this post gonna pinned?
Did I ever tell you guys about that time that I went to work for a company purely to see how long I could do literally nothing before getting fired?

This was over four years ago. Basically, I had already gotten an offer for my current job but the start date wasn't for a month. So I thought well damn, I need something to do (I wasn't employed at the time). I ended up looking around for a bullshit job to do until then, except I wanted to do literally nothing at all and see how long I could coast.

I ended up getting some $14/hour work from home job. It was sales for one of those lawn care scam companies (sorta like TruGreen). And I really like to think I was the worst employee they had ever hired.

I ended up lasting two days. I was late both days even though it was a work-from-home job. Those two days were training and except for maybe part of the first day, I didn't participate at all. I eventually turned off my microphone and just started browsing the internet during the training. Then, I actually turned off my camera too so that it was literally just a black square with my name next to it. I swear to god, I was actually just about to watch porn while on the clock when the trainer said "Hey MasterLawlz, are you there?" and I had to scramble to the computer to turn the mic back on.

Speaking of that guy, I sorta felt bad for him except his reactions to my behavior are what made the whole experience so funny. He was really excited to hire me. He thought I was a bright, young pupil, etc. Seeing his face slowly turn from looks of endearment to passionate, burning hatred in real-time was pretty hilarious. After the second day, he called me and said "Hey, I'm gonna have to terminatcha". He was from Wisconsin so I swear to god, he mixed "terminate" and "ya" into one word and pronounced it in the most Fargo way possible. It was hilarious. I still think about it sometimes and say terminatcha because it's so fun.

In retrospect, I kinda wish that I had acted surprised when he said he had to fire me, as if I was the best employee ever. I could have been like "What?! But I moved for this job!!" even though it was WFH. In reality, I just flatly responded "Oh okay, I'm still getting paid for today, right?" which probably pissed him off even more. I still wonder what happened behind the scenes. Like what if the guy vouched for me, said I would be their greatest employee ever, and I immediately humiliated him in front of all his superiors. I wonder if he ever thinks about me. I like to imagine that I made an impact on his life.

Sometimes I consider doing this again with other companies. As prevalent as WFH jobs are, I could probably do it with multiple jobs at a time and turn it into a video game of sorts. I should really take a week off from my current job just to do this. I could bounce from laptop to laptop trying to see how long I could last without being fired. Like some kind of weird, real-life version of Diner Dash. It's sorta like trolling on the internet but way more fun because not only do you end up really pissing people off, but they still have to legally pay you for doing it to them.

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Dumbass boomer calls me a bad driver because I don't enjoy having the sun shine directly into my eyes

driver safety features are for pussies, never forget that

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Incredibly successful man gives inspiring speech about how we can be as successful as he is one day

We've done white elephant gift exchanges before but most people don't try that hard and usually bring normal gifts. I, on the other hand, take the tradition very seriously and go out of my way to find gifts that are deeply confusing.

There was one year that I brought a Nicolas Cage pillow cover, a Nicolas Cage coloring book, and a Nicolas Cage movie on VHS. Do you know how hard it was to find that third one on short notice? I had to drive 30 minutes away to Half Price Books and dig through their VHS section to find it. It cost me a dollar.

I tried to bring an equally useless and confusing set of gifts this year. I realized the perfect idea would be to bring a tiny gift card box, one that most people would assume contains a gift card to Amazon, and fill it with gift cards that are completely unusable. I had to go on eBay to get them on short notice and they barely arrived in time. I didn't personally know the employee that ended up with my gift but I think he was a pretty high ranking executive at the company. I genuinely couldn't tell if he found it funny or was a little pissed that he basically received the physical representation of a shitpost. I told him that Blockbuster Video has over 9,000 locations nationwide which didn't seem to help the situation.

Either way, I have no regrets. I have mastered the art of acquiring and giving out bizarre and confusing gifts that shouldn't exist to begin with.

Reported by:

I created that window cleaner video as a psychological experiment. I sent it to numerous people, many of whom I have not spoken to in years. I provided no context, no preface, just the video. I let it speak for itself as a work of art. The responses varied greatly. Some laughed, some became angry and called me names, many simply ignored it. It was truly a lawlz shitpost except it happened in real life to my friends, former coworkers, and former classmates.

But you must look at the joke objectively. It required no deep thinking, it required no historical context, and it was in no way offensive to any marginalized group. The beauty was in its childlike simplicity. And that is why it made for a great litmus test to see who is still in touch with their inner child, who has not yet been crushed by the reality of adulthood, and who does not view themselves to be above such a "low brow" sense of humor. Your reaction to the video told me everything I would ever need to know about you.

You see, everyone, this is all lawlzposts really are. They might not be literary masterpieces but they don't have to be. They are simply a way for the person reading to reveal who they truly are. Consider the SRDine. The SRDine wakes up every day, looks in the mirror, and sees nothing but bitterness, disappointment, and morbid obesity. They make up for their deep insecurities by creating a persona based around progressivism. They have to always believe they are the smartest, most left-leaning person around. So when they see a person such as myself intentionally play the fool, a jester, if you will, it deeply unsettles them. "Why is this man intentionally being foolish? Why does he not try to put himself above others like I do?" The SRDine trembles at the thought of someone being comfortable in their own skin and laughing at themselves. Every day people try to prove their superiority. They brag about their accomplishments, wear luxurious clothing, talk about the college degrees they have earned, and countless other things that only make for a deeply superficial society. They do this to hide their insecurities because deep down, they know they're simply like everyone else, and that thought scares them.

Lawlz stickies aren't simply jokey shitposts. They make a mockery of societal expectations. Others brag about their college degrees, I brag about getting overtime at Wendy's. They talk of how many women they have slept with, I brag about having sex with my anime body pillow. When you go down the American Psycho rabbit hole of constantly comparing yourselves to others and trying to live up to every one of society's expectations, you only end up miserable. However, as the old saying goes, the only way to win that game is not to play. And that is why I have crafted this elaborate performance art. People may look down on me, think I am the fool, when really, it couldn't be farther from the truth. I simply recognized the game they are playing is a no-win scenario and in turn, created a game of my own.

And I win every single time.

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Hey guys, check out this rad cleaning product I found
Reported by:

  • Sil: Not letting me view this post is a hate crime

I'm not exaggerating when I say that I laughed at that for a solid hour. It happened at the reception and I was sitting in my chair trying to contain my laughter for that entire time.

People unironically believe that Texans are a bunch of uneducated hillbillies. Like here it is, DFW has a population of over 7 million people, a job market that is absolutely exploding, tech companies are moving here en masse (and I have a professional job at one of them), and the state has the 10th largest economy in the entire world. But people still hold the belief that we're living in the 19th century wild west. I thought we were having an intellectual conversation when it turned out they were just impressed I could tie my own shoes, lmao.

That may honestly be one of the funniest things anyone has ever said to me. I still laugh about it from time to time. My dad said he learned a long time ago to lean into it, so he'll say "howdy" to people from out of state and also tell them that DFW airport has the largest stable in the world because we all ride horses to the airport. He said they believe it almost every time.

I'm weirdly kind of addicted to and inspired by his degeneracy at this point

He literally got deeply invasive weight loss surgery and still weighs as much as two, possibly even three people. That's unironically impressive in a really pathetic way.

This is literally me