why do I bother with posting

there was someone I loved once who was a writer

and they would laugh at things I'd say

smile at the truth in my observations in the spirit they were offered

now they're far away

and I think I'm nearing the end of my writing. it seems to me like a waste of time.

it's not that they were ever watching, but

I cared that someone, at least, saw my particular grasp on the truth, an

immediacy.

it feels, sometimes, like being young and confident and free again.

but you realize

most words are garbage and should be treated like such.

maybe the trouble with posting here is you should understand: you have low self-esteem, so you post here.

is it not better to say nothing? lmao yeah yeah I know race to the comments to be the first in line for the sweet attention for the obvious dunk lmao

but seriously, is it not better to say nothing?

to gawk forever at human's infinite form and dimension and propensity for

batshit

lunacy.

to perform that gawking.

I used to think there was something beautiful in the ugly humanity of it all,

that the raw nature of reality held this statuesque mystique.

now I'm not so sure.

I used to think that the free speech of the Internet brought creativity, joy, and connection

now I'm not so sure.

I used to think people would work together when faced with a crisis

I used to think: nice, bro, they're not watching

but if they were

they'd smile