I've been in love with a woman I've never met for the past three years. Just discovered this sub and want to know if this counts as limerence?
This is my story (sorry for the wall of text)
Three years ago I was FaceTiming a friend and scrolling through TikTok when I stumbled upon this woman's profile. Let's call this woman Jen (not her real name). I sent the profile over to my friend saying, “She is literally perfect, oml”. She agreed that Jen was indeed very pretty. I say this about a lot of attractive women I see on tiktok, but most times I scroll by and forget them. This time was different. She was literally my dream girl. When I saw her, my heart fluttered and I was short of breath. She was the most beautiful person I've ever seen. Little did I know that this was the start of a super unhealthy and one-sided obsession.
I spent that night going through all her tik toks and I found myself becoming more and more enamored with her. On a purely physical level, she was perfect. She was how I imagined the most beautiful woman on Earth would look. But of course, for all I knew, her personality could be nowhere near as beautiful. As I dived deeper, I learned more about her and started noticing things we had in common. For example, we have the same ethnic background and similar birthdays. I started to “see” reasons on why we would be perfect for each other.
I knew it was starting to get a little out of control when I would be saving her videos in fear that it would be taken down and lost forever (this was during that period when people thought TikTok was going to be banned in North AmeriKKKa). This is something I still do. I keep an archive of my favorite posts from her. It feels like when I was younger and would keep pictures and magazine cut-outs of my celebrity crush. God it feels insanely creepy even just typing it out.
I've been single my entire life (I still am) and one of the ways I get myself through particularly lonely or tough times is having “imaginary” relationships with people in my head. They can be with actual people I have crushes on or fictional characters I read in books or watch in movies. Of course, I know that these aren't real relationships and are just an emotional crutch I use to keep the demons at bay.
As you can probably predict, I created an imaginary relationship with Jen. Whenever I needed her, I would create conversations in my head and just day dream about us going on dates and just generally being in a relationship. I hated having a chip on my shoulder about never having had a relationship and this helped me not think about it. But, I told myself that I would get over her with time (like all my previous crushes) and it's okay to have this play out for a bit while I get myself sorted.
Well, 3 years later, I'm still just as in love with this woman as I was when I discovered her. And I'm scared. Over this time period, I've often contemplated, “Am I in love with her? Or is this just an unhealthy obsession?” I still don't know. But what I do know is that I would give so much to have the opportunity to get to know her. I want to know every little quirk, her likes/dislikes, all her insecurities, her hopes and dreams, etc. I feel like that's more than just a crush. But again, I've never met this girl and she has no idea I even exist. I'm just feeding into my delusions.
I'm really proud of how much I've improved myself in 2023. I'm in the best shape of my life. But I did get laid off in May, so my mental health as taken a bit of a dive, which has made my obsession with Jen worse. Despite my improvements to my life that I've made, this is the one thing that's now becoming a stain on that. It's creepy. It's sad. It's pathetic. Like, this woman has no idea I even exist. This is the epitome of simping. It's tough, the human mind wasn't wired for this. My brain isn't built to have infinite access to unrealistically beautiful women from across the country. And as a result I'm starting to suffer because of it.
I know what the solution is, at least part of it. I need to unfollow her on all platforms of social media and delete everything I have saved over the years. Almost like the protocol for when you are exiting a real relationship. Block her on everything. Out of sight, out of mind. But… I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm still waiting out for hope that I'll get over it naturally, like I always do. But, as much as it's probably delusional to say, I think I'm in love with her. IT'S SO PATHETIC, AND SAD, AND CREEPY JFC. But I get it, woe is me. Boo hoo. Just stop being such a creepy loser.
Y'know what realled sucked though? I see posts of Jen and her friends in college and I'm starting to feel hurt whenever she posts videos/pictures with guys. And then she got a boyfriend. I remember feeling a pain in my chest and mentally felt like I had just discovered my S/O was cheating on me. And it's like, what the frick?. You're not even dating this woman, how can you feel jealous of someone who doesn't even know you exist? IT MAKES NO SENSE!
How am I going to let a woman who I've never met, living across the country from me, have such a powerful impact on my mental health? Why do I care? If I truly love her, shouldn't I only care if she's happy? IT'S INSANE! I hate feeling this way so much. But apparently not enough to let her go. What is wrong with me?
Here is a concern of mine that I have about this, aside from it being straight up unhealthy and delusional. I think it's ruining my standards for women that I meet in real life. I find myself comparing women I meet to Jen. This hasn't stopped me from going on dates and wanting to meet people. I actually tend to forget all about Jen when I'm hanging out with attractive women IRL. But, on dating apps, I genuinely believe I'm comparing these perfectly fine women to this 10/10 diamond in the rough I found. And it isn't fair to them. I haven't felt this being an issue quite yet because I still find women I meet in real life very attractive. But I'm scared of the possibility that I'll sabotage any relationship I get into because of Jen. Won't be able to know until I enter one.
To make matters worse, I often think that if I just had this one relationship, especially with Jen, I'd be on Cloud 9. So when I hang out with my buddies and their S/O's, I can't help but think about the fact that I don't have what they have. Which makes it that much harder to expel my thoughts of Jen.
I preach the saying, “You must be happy being alone before entering a relationship”. So to turn around and feel like a relationship is the one thing “missing” from my life is a direct contradiction to that. I know. I'm not perfect, clearly.
Y'know, thinking back over the last three years, I think I've only gone a handful of days without thinking about her at least once. And who knows, maybe in a couple years time, these feelings will have faded. They always seem to, so maybe I'm bugging over nothing. But, I really want to put these feelings in writing. As if bringing them into reality will make it easier to destroy them.
And then I discovered this sub. I started to look into it and it sounds EXACTLY like what I'm going through. I am excited that maybe I can finally have a term for what I'm suffering from. Maybe the healing process can finally begin?
TL:DR - Saw a woman on tiktok and have been obsessed with her for 3 years straight and I'm worried I'll never truly let her go
It hasn't been all bad. Jen has been a source of happiness, serotonin, copium, and just overall a force keeping my worst demons away. It's hard to think about getting rid of that protection, when I have no replacement. Having her in my head has actually helped improve aspects of my life. When I feel like skipping the gym, I think about her and the kind of man I would want to be for her, and I'm getting out of bed and headed to the gym. When I feel sorry for myself for being unemployed, I think about the kind of man I need to be to take care of her and I apply to some jobs. When I'm feeling sorry for myself for being single, I tell myself that this isn't the kind of person she deserves to have as a life partner, and I reframe my mindset to be happier. You can see where this is going. She does help.
But I have one question for you all here. Is this limerence?