Nightmare scenario can become reality
Hi guys, I have been hanging out here for quite awhile and it has helped. I've been suffering through your garden variety limerence—gay male LO (I am hetero female) who opened with a year of love bombing and hero worship (I was the smartest coolest person he ever met, he knew from day 1 we would be “a couple,” it's “so lucky I'm not a guy” or he'd be in real trouble, etc etc). I am a closed off, semi-bitchy adult female who likes very few people and is ok that they return the favor. But I met this dude during covid (we were colleagues in an online endeavor) and he somehow blew through all of my defenses.
Cue up a year of blissful friendship in which I have never felt so seen and just completely approved of and appreciated. Most people don't get my jokes, he got them all. He noticed and praised the parts of myself I most value.
Then as covid eased he start pulling back, less attention, less fawning. This triggers limerence for the first time in my life. I confusedly think it must be sexual/a romantic crush, even though I feel zero lust. Just wanna sit by him and maybe hold hands. Just vacuum up everything about him and be near, do every darn thing together. Be bffs til we dead and buried.
I disclose crush. It's not a crisis but it mildly accelerates the withdrawal dynamic.
Cue up a year of drama. Me: “Why don't you text back instantly? I like you more than you like me.” Him: “I love you, you're my bff, we share a brain! But i am v busy and can't be on call to you 24/7.” Cycles of fighting—turn off my shared location, block hime, text nasty shit—then making up. He missed me, I'm the only one who X Y Z, etc. Repeat cycle. Each time, i get more convinced I've lost my mind and need to end this. But sink back into that warm bath every god darn time.
Mid October I discover some fundamental two-facedness (he's still texting with someone he told me he cut off ties with). Some scales fall from my eyes. Not all, of course, but some. I say “Dude, enough. If i can't trust you we can't be close. You are a dishonest people pleaser who will say anything to the person in front of you to get their love and approval. I hope one day you are mature enough to be honest with yourself and others. From now on I consider you a pleasant acquaintance, not a bestie.”
He immediately cuts of ALL communication. When I keep trying to get a response, and employ our work communication app as well as private texts, he goes “leave me alone, i no longer want to interact with you.” No other response, no explanation. I follow up with some wtf ranting. Finally i say “if you won't sit down with me to figure out how to manage our shared worklife, we may need to ask HR to mediate.”
Within 3 hours, he goes to HR to accuse me of stalking and harassment, shares ALL our texts, says god only knows what. Long story short, after a month of investigation—which involves interviewing him, interviewing me, looking at texts, and nothing else—HR calls me in. I am fired for stalking and retaliation. They don't have to share WHY they believe this, this is their conclusion. My badge and keys are taken, I am escorted out.
I never in a million scrillion years saw this coming. I was a credulous fool who loved this guy like my own family and trusted him 100%. He called me his ride or die b-word (in a nice way) but turned on me full force and blew up my career. I'm in shock and so disgusted. I am in a union and the union is fighting my termination. But I'm heartbroken and also pessimistic because my texting was OTT. But that was true for a very long time and he always came back, so maybe he won't be able to get away with suddenly weaponizing what he never complained about.
My only real message here is BE CAREFUL. The person you would do anything for may just come at you with murder in their eyes one day.