PART 1: THE DESIRE FOR THE HUMAN CONDITION

With 20mg Ambien + 30mg Benzo (I think i redosed but I forgot)+ marijuana in my system, I've managed to find a few slivers of happiness within. If you're seated and focused on a singular task, it can be beneficial. It feels like I have the vocabulary of an Oxford dictionary editor and the words float off my fingers with minimal resistance.

Ideas! I want to write poems to S.H, I want to get an earbrow piercing. You'd be surprised at the weird things your mind will do on benzos. I've received packages I forgot about, and some contain items I don't need or never would have bought like fancy lotion and Durex invisible condoms. I don't know what to do with these items.

I haven't been without anxiety, however. The no-gf feel hit particularly intensely, and it had me researching whether our capitalistic world has any solutions. It does! They're called escorts. Yes, in the strictest sense, escorts are paid to accompany you for an agreed-upon timespan. As one would expect, they treat you like a partner and are pleasant to you. It's 100% legal. In the modern day, "escort" is code for prostitutes, but there are still women offering the first option.

I'd like to discuss the morality of making use of non-sexual escorts, and how you feel about it.

Get a therapist!

My experiences with therapists in the past have been less than stellar. This has left me skeptical of the profession. Sure, there are good therapists, but they are exceptionally hard to find. I think most are just extroverts who enjoy talking to different people, but they have very little insight into the human condition.

My doctor connected me to a psychiatrist, and I was told they'd get back to me this week. They did not and when I tried to call a few times they didn't pick up. Thus, I am left to endure the weekend. I am abandoned and rejected once again. The two main threats to avoid:

*no cutting

*no tomfoolery on my phone while on benzos (I downloaded Tinder and Badoo no matches so I deleted)

I stocked up on wound dressing and bandages in anticipation of a bloody blade session, but I haven't had any emotional spikes today. The thoughts definitely arose - I wanted to give myself the greatest cut ever today, and I had plenty of reasons to. A tornado of every rejection I've ever experienced in the realm of life twisted into an invisible mental monster. The Great Cut shall be achieved, however, maybe tomorrow. We'll make our first entrance into the fat layer.

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Benzo break from Holly!

On pilled up calmness I can think of horrible things I didn't want to happen as a child but did. A lot of dad stuff is coming up, like my dad making me shower with him, beating me with a belt, or the time my dad called me to his bed to essentially watch him keep yourself safe (he didn't die). It all just happened and still can't figure out how to integrate it into the story of my life.

• car accident = does/will not compute

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Now that you have the necessary background to tackle the topic, I can get to the crux of the matter - what is the morality of paying for companionship?

WEIGHING THE MORALITY OF NON-SEXUAL ESCORTING

WHAT IS NON-SEXUAL ESCORTING?

I'm going to be darn specific about what I'm referring to. The kind of escort I desire operates by accepting currency from clients who desire her time. This is the technical term for escorting, and when performed correctly there are no legal ramifications. It is not a crime to play for one's time. You are at liberty to pay a woman to go on a date with you or accompany you for a holiday.

I am deeply considering such non-sexual service. However, I'm plagued by endless moral questions festering in my brain. I'll try to best explain them now. Sorry for the typos or nonsense that arises, I am feeling fantastically wavy at present. If there are dumb ideas, I beg you to point them out. I want your help to think through this topic with as much clarity as possible

JUSTIFICATIONS FOR ESCORTING

As is the case with most choices in life, some are good and some are shit. It is up to you to decide which road you will take. So here are my justifications for becoming an escortcel:

1. Loneliness

Well, here's the obvious one - I'm lonely. As an extreme introvert, I'm not looking for big friendship group. Just one person who I can connect with, accept, and be honest with. I had that with S.H., but by sharing romantic relationship desires with her I permanently changed the relationship. She's more guarded, less affectionate, I don't think she wants to do it anymore, which is understandable. It's Joever on that front. I ruined everything.

https://rdrama.net/post/224434/i-told-my-friend-i-have

Now I am giga lonely with no friend group. There's a nightclub down the street. I've read some comments from residents online trying to have it shut down because it's a den of drugs. I'm thinking that going to the club on benzos may make relaxed enough to enter. But I wouldn't be able to drink and I wouldn't know what to do. Most importantly, I am 5 foot 1. I think you need to be somewhat attractive for bars and clubs to be successful.

So, we've established that I am in need of some of the services offered by escorts. This includes:

• affection

• attention

• cuddling and feeling love

• play Starfield together

• no chance of rejection (so long I don't do something crazy to her)

• being nice and making me feel wanted and worthy of human contact

It's the last one I'm mostly curious about. I want a date with a girl who's going to be nice to me and will treat me with affection, as though she is happy to see me. I know it's fake, but like I said, if you can't afford the Bentley, you settle for the Toyota. According to her site, she doesn't meet first clients at their homes, so they either go to her house or they book a hotel first. That is something I am willing to do, as my bedsheets are bloody from self-harm cuts leaking at night.

2. Experience

You only live once. I know I'll never get a real girlfriend or a wife. It's impossible and anyone who's had a look at nature knows this. Some percentage of all creatures will be wholly rejected by the opposite s*x in r-selected species.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R/K_selection_theory#r-selection

I'm an incel. Some of us will be. It's impossible for 0 incels to exist unless women are forced into marriage. I think people here are smart enough to understand the personality meme is shit because we all know evil fellas never have a problem with women. I'm not going to go full blackpill and say my wrist ratio has darned me. But I will point out the absolute obvious and state that women DESPISE short men, and you can find countless online communities of women stating exactly this. You can even find scientific research outlining just how fricked short men are.

https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/document?type=pdf

Research has repeatedly shown than women prefer men who are relatively taller than they are. It is possible that for most women there is a certain minimal threshold of height, after which they will consider a male as a potential s*x partner, and thus men above that height will end up with similar numbers of s*x partners.”

But mofos still wanna gaslamp 5ft1 neighbors instead of letting them accept the nature of reality and move on

There's nothing wrong with being undesirable. Some men can't sing. Others are shit at running. A rare few are incompatible with women. It doesn't make you a bad person any more than being 5 foot 1 makes you a bad person. It also doesn't make women bad either. Women have a HIGH cost for s*x, so it is in their best interest to be selective. And I'm definitely not worthy. Indulging in copim around this topic just prolongs the healing process.

With a non-sexual escort, I'll get to experience what it's like to have a GF, even if it's fake.

Most, if not all, the physical dangers of prostitution are absent.

The risk of STDs is gone if no sexual contact takes place. I am terrified of getting herpes, which afflicts 67% of all human beings around the world. This is one thing most folks do not understand when they go to clubs and make out with random women or have s*x with them. If I'm an incel then goddamit I should at least benefit from a clean bill of health. Imagine being an incel with an STD.

3. You're still prostituting

The main argument against escorting is that it is prostitution. You are still buying a woman. I disagree. By definition, it is not prostitution. There is no s*x being exchanged, nor are any s*x acts as part of the service. Of course, it could be argued that there is a sexual element to it, as the escort has to feign interest, and some degree of attraction (she can't sit there looking outwardly disgusted by your existence). However, this is a far cry from a woman actually having s*x with a man she would normally never touch.

In such a situation, the buyer is not a John, nor is the seller a Hooker.

4No dignity to preserve

Nobody has to know. It's beyond joever anyway. I'm never getting a girlfriend or having a marriage. I'll never experience what it's like to be romantically loved or desired. I'm an incel. Nobody is going to physically desire me. I'm physically scarred beyond belief. The gaping lacerations on my thighs right now would make surgeons yack, never mind a nice girl. It's joever and it always has been since the day I reached 5 foot 1 and never grew an inch more.

What lady thinks “when I start a family, I PRAY my husband is mentally ill and 5 foot 1. That's the kind of man who can protect me and lead the home.” None! I failed every aspect of masculinity.

On Reddit, you'll find plenty of women who say they would NEVER date a man who used such a service. Lucky for me, I'll never have to explain it!

THOUGHTS FROM REDDIT

https://old.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/c5meds/sex_workers_of_reddit_have_you_had_any_customers

I don't really understand the concept. Paying someone to be nice to me and pretend to like me would just make me feel terrible. At best, I'd think it was sad if I knew someone did that and I'd think they probably lacked basic social skills. I would feel like we were not compatible because I don't see friendship as something that can be purchased.

(For reference, I would not be friends with or in a relationship with someone who had purchased services from a s*x worker because I don't see sexual consent as something to be bought/sold/traded/bartered/etc.)

https://old.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/567mvh/how_would_you_feel_about_a_nonsexual_escort

https://old.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/2at84h/do_you_think_its_pathetic_if_a_man_visits_an

UNRELATED BONUS: A woman spends several messages arguing with an actual s*x worker about why her industry is vile

highlight:

https://old.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/23b1e6/could_you_date_somebody_who_had_paid_an_escort

DETERRENCES FOR ESCORTING

I no longer identify as a feminist, (I am an anti-hierarchy, anti-suffering egalitarian). My current disposition is that both animals and humans deserve to be protected from suffering. My politics? Libertarian with liberal views on the environment.

1. Prostitution is evil

The last point I wish to make is that with a non-sexual escort, you don't face many of the harms that come with the industry. These are factors several folks like to overlook, particularly liberals and s*x buyers. I struggle to understand why. Even 5 minutes of research on prostitution makes it obvious how vile this industry is both legal and otherwise.

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Benzo break from Holly!

Yesterday I took 200mg of THC and 2 benzos. I listened to half an album before I blacked out. I woke up in bed depantsed. The cookies were very yummy and I want to buy more at the dispensary. They also have awesome THC drinks and other goodies but I'm terrified of people so I barely look around, I wish I could see everything its so cool.

Here's the thing: After consuming the cookies and benzos last night, I sat at my PC for a while. I knew I took benzos. I knew they made me feel more sober than I truly am. Yet I still went downstairs and redosed, stumbling like a drunkard the whole way.

The lesson to learn here is that 200mg of THC in an edible in one go is too much. They were two cookies of 100mg each and I ate both.

Lastly, I think the cashier thought I had stolen something. I was looking at some rolling papers near the cashier desk and I was about to take what looked like a blunt, but it wasn't so I put it back and went to the fridge to see what edibles they had. My hands were in my pockets naturally, but when I turned to the cashier till, the lady there was looking at me a bit suspiciously. I think she thought I nicked rolling paper.

Next time I will nick rolling papers on principle.

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By hiring a non-sexual escort I could still be indirectly funding pimping and human trafficking. It's all connected. I know prohibition is frowned upon (muh alcohol mafia!) but some things should be prohibited because there's no way for them to exist morally. That is the case with prostitution. Inasmuch as you can find your 100 Westsern women who just have a high s*x drive and don't mind having s*x for money, the truth is that pretty much every prostitute DOESN'T WANT TO BE THERE AND WANTS TO LEAVE. This applies in legal and illegal circumstances. LOOK AT THESE STATS: from Melissa Farley who did research around the world:

• 81% of legal brothel workers self-reported that they wanted to leave prostitution but can't

• 5% of prostituted individuals make the choice freely

Wanna roll the dice and hope you deal with the 5%? Melissa Farley also points out that legal s*x work attracts illegal s*x work:

Areas with legal prostitution are often magnets for s*x trafficking rings and illegal prostitution. This is uncovered by Farley's research in Nevada which reveals that although Nevada has counties that allow for legal prostitution, 90% of the state's prostitution occurs outside of legally designated areas, including Las Vegas which is a major destination for s*x trafficking. I suspect that the legal brothels attract customers which allows for a black market to grow alongside it which offers cheaper alternatives for the influx of potential buyers. This is not a remotely unique situation. The Netherlands, which I've previously discussed, has been listed by the UN as one of the top destinations for human trafficking. This situation has led to the former mayor of Amsterdam stating that “We realize that this hasn't worked, that trafficking in women continues […] Women are now moved around more, making police work more difficult.” This information is further corroborated by a study published by World Development which finds that “Countries with legalized prostitution are associated with higher human trafficking inflows than countries where prostitution is prohibited” (summary from Harvard Law and International Development Society). Hence, on average, “countries with legalized prostitution report a greater incidence of human trafficking inflows”.

So if I support a legal action (non-sexual escorting), I will still be contributing to illegal prostitution.

2. I might traumatize someone

This is the biggest factor for me. There are plenty of unpleasant jobs. Many guys are garbage collectors to help feed their families It is not nice to smell the garbage. Nevertheless, unwanted s*x is r*pe. Simple and plain. If you have s*x with a prostitute, it isn't because she wants to have s*x with you. It's because she needs money. The s*x is an unwanted middle-man she's enduring due to the economic power men wield.

She's not consenting to s*x, she's consenting to money. If she could take the money without the s*x, she would. She doesn't want to frick you

What about an unwanted conversation or evening? I am seeking to pay for her company because I lack the ability to do that for free, whether it be due to my personality or looks (or some combination). If all the women in regular society don't want to spend time with me, why would this woman?

The truth is that she doesn't want to and would want to be doing anything else. Unfortunately, I'd be paying her to stay. Plenty of us go to jobs we don't like, and very few of us would sincerely call it torture.

But what about this woman? How am I affecting her psychologically? Flipping burgers at a job you hate doesn't have the same emotional impact of sharing intimacy for money. I was playing a game called He Fricked The Girl Out of Me, and one thing it pointed out is that every time someone did something for her, she felt like he owed them s*x. That is what s*x work did to her mind.

I also think of shame as a harm both for me and her. She will see me, observe my hideousness, and it's inevitable that she will feel some despair that her life has come to this point - pleasing ugly men that no other women want to see. How can she not feel shame?!

So what would my purchasing of her time do to her? It's clearly not neutral. She would be pretending to be my girlfriend for all intents and purposes. Would she continue through life believing that she owes the illusion of love to anyone who shows her affection?

CONCLUSION

I don't think I'll be buying a non-sexual escort. It's a clear-cut case of making your problems someone else's problems. I wouldn't buy an escort either because I'm not a male feminist.

I can't quite eloquently state why, but it's something to do with the effects I may have on her psyche. Hurting others is yucky, especially if you consider the trauma it may cause.