An Open Letter From an "Alpha Woman Unable to Love"

I used to think I was a confident woman who stood up for herself and also happened to be single. Then I read this excerpt, "Society is creating a new crop of alpha women who are unable to love," from Suzanne Venker's upcoming book The Alpha Female's Guide to Men & Marriage on foxnews.com, and reader, I have seen the light.

Venker's thesis is that marriages don't work when one partner—namely the woman—is demanding, unyielding, and unable to be pleased by anything the other partner does.

And sure, "Don't be an butthole to your spouse" might seem like a basic tenet of marriage, but as Venker explains, this is actually a big problem with our current generation that needs to be addressed right now. Why? Because "women having been groomed to be leaders rather than to be wives." Those leadership qualities—like being bossy and demanding, which will definitely help you get ahead in the office—are apparently antithetical to the three things that, Venker says, make a good marriage: respect, compromise, and s*x. But of course!

You might be thinking, Wait, it's totally possible for a woman to be both a leader and a wife! But please trust Ms. Venker when she says it is absolutely not. This attitude of leadership "may get [women] ahead at work," says Venker, "but when it comes to love, it will land them in a ditch." Don't ask what the heck "attitude of leadership" is supposed to mean; just go with her on this one. Work skills are the opposite of love skills, OK?!

The more you work, the less you love. Got it? Why did I think it was a good idea to bring a cover letter and résumé on a date? Why do I pester every boyfriend with weekly time sheets and ask to be reimbursed for all expenses incurred on the job? Oh right, because I'm a workaholic monster with a kittyhat where my heart should be! Please, someone, lift me out of this romantic ditch! It doesn't have Wi-Fi!

As for how to have a healthy relationship (should I ever be so blesséd as to find a man), the solution is energies, according to Venker. "Every relationship requires a masculine and a feminine energy to thrive.

If women want to find peace with men, they must find their feminine—that is where their real power lies. Being feminine isn't about being beautiful or svelte, or even about wearing high heels (although those things are nice). Being feminine is a state of mind. It's an attitude," she writes. For those keeping track, we now have two "attitudes" to choose between: leadership and feminine. There is only one right answer here, folks.

It gets better:

"In essence, being feminine means being nice," writes Venker. Niceness (by women) is the key to the healthy relationships that women are solely in charge of maintaining.

>Being nice is the key to healthy relationships

In case you're not yet fully convinced of the wisdom of the radical Be Nice doctrine, Venker has sources. She quotes, quite seriously, "a man named Chuck" who once commented on her website: "A strong woman is awesome. But she must be inviting and be able to mesh into an actual relationship. Needing to dominate and overpower, that is a no-go." Woke-bae alert!

>Woke-bae alert

Thank you, Chuck, for letting the culture at large know that you're not supposed to dominate and overpower the person you're dating.

Venker also quotes Jackie Kennedy: "There are two kinds of women: those who want power in the world, and those who want power in bed." And here I was thinking the two kinds of women were those who shaved and those who hated themselves.

>There are two kinds of women in this world

> and

And it's not just for the good of the marriage, oh no. After I embrace niceness and feminine acquiescence, I'll be happier and have more energy, as though it were an emotional vitamin D supplement. "And here's what I learned: It's liberating to be a beta!" writes Venker. It's liberating to be a beta. Where have I heard that before? War Is Peace, Freedom Is Slavery, Ignorance Is Strength, It's Liberating to Be a Beta.

>It's liberating to be a beta

By the end of the article, friends, I was shaking in a cold sweat of recognition. The unlovable—and unable to love—alpha chick was me to a T. (In millennial parlance: "#same.")

I just wished there was some way I could remember the combination of constant vigilance, self-control, and never-good-enough mentality that would ultimately win me the happy matrimony I so desired.

Wait a minute, Venker had a handy little analogy for that too:

"It's like weight loss. Once you realize that diet and exercise is the only way to stay fit, and that sugar and carbs create fat, a light bulb goes off in your head. You've unlocked the code to keeping your weight in check. Even if you fall off the wagon (and you will), you'll know what to do to get back on track. That's what it's like to love a man."