I am a serial dater

In high school I met the love of my life. Due to university we had to go our separate ways. She later died in a tragic accident while on the other side of the country.

When something like this happens, you don't miss the s*x. You miss the conversations, the romance. I have become addicted to these things, the actual act of dating people. The romantic things - dinners, dates, pecks on the cheek, the first makeout session - that come with relationships. But this wanes very fast with most people, so inevitably, all of these flings get cut short.

I didn't realize what I wanted at first. I thought I just wanted a girlfriend. So I started seeing this girl around a year ago. After two months I realized that the relationship was boring me. So I broke up with her, and starting talking to a different one the next month. As the year progressed, a cycle began to develop - I would keep seeing one person, break things off after just over a month, and start talking to someone else soon after.

I was lucky enough to have God bless me with three things:

1. I am conventionally attractive

2. Moderate Anxiety

3. Dating apps

Moderate anxiety is a blessing because I am prescribed a medication called Buspar for it: 10mg, twice a day. Not only does it noticeably increase my s*x drive (questionable utility for me, but still encourages me in some way), it also had the interesting effect of entirely eliminating my ability to feel nervous. I began taking it 6 months ago and ever since then I literally cannot feel anxious or nervous, ever. No pits in the stomach. No fidgeting. All of it is gone. Combine this with being somewhat attractive and fit, and I have essentially unlimited confidence. Combine this with dating apps, and I have an unlimited supply of single women. What a mix.

This has obviously accelerated the cycle even further. This summer I was in a city where I knew nobody, which is where it really spiraled out of control. Before I was "rate limited" based on the college campus I'm in being a small community. Not anymore. I would say that the most "intense" this has gotten is when I went on five dates over a period of three days. I was once doing this with four women simultaneously. None of them knew about the others.

You might wonder how I am able to (1) afford this, and (2) plan so many different things. The answer to (1) is that I work very hard and secured an MBB internship this summer, which I would argue is more psychopathic, but whatever. The answer to (2) is that I repeat things constantly. The first 3 dates are always the same, in varying orders: Drinking and then going to an arcade, picnicking in some park past 1AM, and a very nice dinner. I pitch each as varied, creative, spontaneous, and fun. They eat it up 90% of the time because all of them are so unusual, but exciting. It's gotten to a point where I literally just resend messages with the exact same phrasing when I ask women to each.

I invest a lot of time into each relationship. All our dates are meticulously planned. I don't even like the s*x that much, so much so that whenever I frick now I actually take one of my leftover SSRIs and Viagra. It doesn't increase the pleasure for me at all, in fact it actually reduces it significantly. I'd say I can't finish 70% of the time. But basic pleasure isn't my goal at all - combined, they give me the ability to essentially last forever in bed. I lied to myself at first as to why I was doing this, but since I'm being honest now, I do it because it creates a very lopsided power dynamic. Most women are used to finishing 30% of the time, yet always having the man finish. When you don't finish, it creates a very intense sense of "debt" and emotional attachment.

Am I a sadist?

No. Inflicting pain isn't my goal. I am not some kitty-scarred r-slur taking out my incel rage on random women. But my attraction is to the emotional attachment and excitement of that first passion-filled, intense month of a relationship. So I do whatever I can to increase that. I feel bad for what I do.

Does it get repetitive?

Let me ask you something - is eating sugary foods repetitive? Is drinking water repetitive? In some sense this feels less like an activity I do and more like a sensation/craving I have to satisfy. It's not something I consciously decide on, so much as it is a need that I am fulfilling.

Do people know you do this?

I don't tell people in real life I do this, obviously. It is psychopathic and I know it. I used to experience a period of sadness doing this, for about a week after I ended each "relationship." Not really anymore. My friends just brush off seeing me with different women. Again dating apps are a big place too, so not really crazy to be hidden.

Just typing this up was therapeutic enough in some way in that I am finally honest with myself. I know consciously and rationally that this is something I should stop. But I probably won't.

Posting as a ghost thread because I don't want to be an attention seeking cute twink. Or does that make me more of a cute twink? Decide in the comments, I'll be sure to read and value them!