So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.
What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.
Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.
Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.
Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.
Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house.
Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.
Step Six: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.
Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.
Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'
Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.
Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice.
Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.
Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.
Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part - The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:
a) You are married to each other in the future
b) Her current boyfriend is dead
c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise
d) In the future your relationship is not going well
e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed
f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day
g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future
Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.
Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.
Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.
Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:
1) During the sex some feelings that she didn't know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.
2) Life will carry on as normal.
3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren't entirely sure if what you've done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.
So I am 18 and my little sister is only 11. Anyways she gets in the shower and a little while later gets out and goes into her room to dress.
Like 3 seconds later she starts screaming and I am working out in my room doing my third rep of chest curls, so I have no shirt on. I immediatly drop my 50 lb weights and barge in and ask her what the fukc is wrong with her and she points up at the ceiling and its just a little stupid spider on the ceiling. Our ceiling is kind of high so I have to jump to get it. So i grab a magazine and jump up to swat it. and I hit it a little but it falls and lands right on my fukcing sisters head.
she immideatly drops her towel and starts swatting at her head screaming "GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF" I notice it crawling down her back and it is still alive I drop the magazine because it wasnt working so well and i grab her shoulder with one hand to get control of her because she is flailing around like a maniac and then I am swatting at it with my only other free hand. and just then my parents burst in and see her naked and me in just my aids shorts spanking her rearend while she is crying her fucking guts out.
Most embarassing day of my life. I tried to explain to them i was like "guys oh no wait there was a spider there was spider and stuff". and my little sister was still crying her guts oout and my dad just exploded and told me to "get in your fukcing room immediatly you sick fukcing predator". It doesnt help that a couple months ago they found a pair of her undies on my floor. I dont know how they got there but probably were stuck in my pants after mom did laundry or something.
I don't like you very much at all, OP. I think you are a terrible poster and person irl. You must have gotten pushed from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. No one really likes you, they pretend that you are of value to society, but the truth is that no one would really care if you lived or died. Your life is one giant joke that isn't funny in the least. Your mother wanted to abort you, but she figured that age 5 was a little too late. It's not your fault that you turned out to be as stupid and unlikable as you are. But it is your fault that your mom believes you are the worst thing to happen in her life.
I was busting for a shiit so i thought for the first time ever id use the public toilets. i walk in there and there was only 2 toilets in there, both taken. so i stood by the sink holding in this mega boris. all i could think about was how good this will feel after i unleash the demon within, and while standing i could slowly feel the head leave its mark on my undies. 5 minutes pass and im still waiting in the quiet, listening to grunting and the 'plop' sound of the boris hitting the water. i couldnt hold this in any further, so i had to sya something. "how long will you guys be?". no answer. "i need to shit real bad i can feel it coming". "shutup and wait your turn" he says. another minute passses and usually i can hold this in but today was real bad. i couldnt do it any longer, so was time for plan b, shit in the sink. pulled down my pants and started grunting loudly and you could hear the boris slide down the sink. one of the guys then yelled "what the fuk r u doing" and opened his door, so i flashed my penis at him. he qikly closed the door and then i heard the toilet paper begin to roll. i only got one shit out but it was enuf, i used the paper towels to wipe my ass, and turned on the hand dryer so the hot air would make the shit smell even more. i heard his belt buckle and as i ran out i yelled "dont forget to wash your hands" and threw one of my paper towels with shit on it over in his cubicle.
"pulled down my pants and started grunting loudly and you could hear the boris slide down the sink. one of the guys then yelled "what the fuk r u doing" and opened his door, so i flashed my penis at him."
White identity is the greatest shame of the so-called white race. There is literally nothing else in my entire life that makes me feel more ashamed to be a honky child of Nordic immigrants living in the American South. I was getting along JUST FUCKING FINE THANK YOU until these other paleface assholes came along and started stealing my mojo. Words are inadequate to describe just how much I hate these fucking scam artists and grifters. They've completely spoiled any shred of good karma so-called 'white people' might have, which they want to steal from all the other moonskins like me whom they've never met, known, or have any right to claim. They are the only reason it sucks to be white; there is no one else who has done this to us. Louis CK was wrong. If I had a time machine, I wouldn't go back to 2 AD and ask for the nicest table at the restaurant. I'd go back and strangle these motherfuckers' ancestors in the crib so that nobody else would ever have to put up with this nonsense team flag bullshit they've invented that's based on nothing more than a melanin deficiency and vanity. You've fucked our chance to evolve, do you realize that you dumbass white supremacist fucks? I have to refer to you as "we" and babysit your sorry asses because you bought into the idea of whiteness like some fucking mark watching late night infomercials on TV. You're the worst people on Earth right now. You'd better fucking hope the SJWs are right about pretty much everything, because if race isn't a social construct, we're all going to burn in Hell together, you fucking motherfucking fucks. Sorry, nothing against you /u/MasterLawlz , I just needed to vent. Whew, that feels better.
When I was younger I was a fucking fiend for jerking off. 6 to 10 times a day was normal. I eventually got desensitized I think and I needed more. I started off trying to fuck my pillows, a mattress, a vcr slot. None of that worked and one left a scar.
Then one day I was eating a hot pocket. And it dawned on me. I let it cool to a warm but comfortable temperature, and fucked it. Amazing.
My mom was shocked at my sudden taste for hot pockets. The problem was I couldn’t eat them afterwards. So she thinks I’m eating two hot pockets for every meal of the day, meanwhile I’m starving, sneaking snacks out of the pantry at every opportunity.
It was an amazing summer. I spent every cent I got from mowing lawns on hot pockets. BBQ beef was the best because of its consistent texture.
Oh, I left out an important piece, I had to break them up afterwards and flush them down the toilet. So 8 times a day I was mashing up hot pockets filled with jizz into a soup like consistency and flushing it down the toilet, like some kind of psycho.
That was a long time ago and I’m over it, I have a fleshlight now anyways and it’s much cheaper to buy diced ham and cheez wiz in bulk
46 comments
1 SnapshillBot 2017-10-11
Neat.
Snapshots:
I am a bot. (Info / Contact)
1 crefakis 2017-10-11
A rare lapse in judgement for snappy
1 Ultrashitpost 2017-10-11
no
1 supergauntlet 2017-10-11
no
1 MockJohnson 2017-10-11
Why can't you be more like snally
1 MasterLawlz 2017-10-11
Nobody can be like snally, that’s too high of a bar to set
1 redrobin65 2017-10-11
How bout Snappy?
1 TheHeroReditDeserves 2017-10-11
please keep yourself safe
1 OldOrder 2017-10-11
You actually took time out of your day to make this shit?
1 MasterLawlz 2017-10-11
Yes
1 OldOrder 2017-10-11
y tho
1 MasterLawlz 2017-10-11
Why not?
1 OldOrder 2017-10-11
....because
1 IvankaTrumpIsMyWaifu 2017-10-11
But autism....
amiright /u/MasterLawlz
1 Yiin 2017-10-11
You could have done work you slacker.
1 SamWhite 2017-10-11
It's fucking Lawlz, you already know the answer.
1 SupaDupaFlyAccount 2017-10-11
Unemployment.
1 LLXDS 2017-10-11
#LawlzForAdmin
1 RueysSoulDiegosFight 2017-10-11
This is so gay, the rainbow flag killed itself, knowing it could never compete.
1 WarSanchez 2017-10-11
XisnamewasPrideFlag
1 Etra 2017-10-11
So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.
What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.
Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.
Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.
Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.
Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house.
Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.
Step Six: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.
Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.
Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'
Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.
Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice.
Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.
Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.
Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part - The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:
a) You are married to each other in the future b) Her current boyfriend is dead c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise d) In the future your relationship is not going well e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future
Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.
Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.
Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.
Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:
1) During the sex some feelings that she didn't know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.
2) Life will carry on as normal.
3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren't entirely sure if what you've done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.
1 redrobin65 2017-10-11
wtf
1 ThenTheGorursArrived 2017-10-11
1 Etra 2017-10-11
So I am 18 and my little sister is only 11. Anyways she gets in the shower and a little while later gets out and goes into her room to dress.
Like 3 seconds later she starts screaming and I am working out in my room doing my third rep of chest curls, so I have no shirt on. I immediatly drop my 50 lb weights and barge in and ask her what the fukc is wrong with her and she points up at the ceiling and its just a little stupid spider on the ceiling. Our ceiling is kind of high so I have to jump to get it. So i grab a magazine and jump up to swat it. and I hit it a little but it falls and lands right on my fukcing sisters head.
she immideatly drops her towel and starts swatting at her head screaming "GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF" I notice it crawling down her back and it is still alive I drop the magazine because it wasnt working so well and i grab her shoulder with one hand to get control of her because she is flailing around like a maniac and then I am swatting at it with my only other free hand. and just then my parents burst in and see her naked and me in just my aids shorts spanking her rearend while she is crying her fucking guts out.
Most embarassing day of my life. I tried to explain to them i was like "guys oh no wait there was a spider there was spider and stuff". and my little sister was still crying her guts oout and my dad just exploded and told me to "get in your fukcing room immediatly you sick fukcing predator". It doesnt help that a couple months ago they found a pair of her undies on my floor. I dont know how they got there but probably were stuck in my pants after mom did laundry or something.
i really feel like killing myself right now.
1 SDIHTD 2017-10-11
YAAAAASSSS
1 venom_god 2017-10-11
where's this pasta from, lmao
1 Etra 2017-10-11
My diary.
1 venom_god 2017-10-11
o neaux
1 nunast 2017-10-11
HAHAHA this is such a made up story it's bullshit. Post proof (by way of naked pictures of your sister) so that we can verify you aren't lying.
1 Etra 2017-10-11
That was seven years ago. Here’s a picture of her now.
1 kippot 2017-10-11
u 8 the b8 m8
1 Etra 2017-10-11
I don't like you very much at all, OP. I think you are a terrible poster and person irl. You must have gotten pushed from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. No one really likes you, they pretend that you are of value to society, but the truth is that no one would really care if you lived or died. Your life is one giant joke that isn't funny in the least. Your mother wanted to abort you, but she figured that age 5 was a little too late. It's not your fault that you turned out to be as stupid and unlikable as you are. But it is your fault that your mom believes you are the worst thing to happen in her life.
1 Etra 2017-10-11
I was busting for a shiit so i thought for the first time ever id use the public toilets. i walk in there and there was only 2 toilets in there, both taken. so i stood by the sink holding in this mega boris. all i could think about was how good this will feel after i unleash the demon within, and while standing i could slowly feel the head leave its mark on my undies. 5 minutes pass and im still waiting in the quiet, listening to grunting and the 'plop' sound of the boris hitting the water. i couldnt hold this in any further, so i had to sya something. "how long will you guys be?". no answer. "i need to shit real bad i can feel it coming". "shutup and wait your turn" he says. another minute passses and usually i can hold this in but today was real bad. i couldnt do it any longer, so was time for plan b, shit in the sink. pulled down my pants and started grunting loudly and you could hear the boris slide down the sink. one of the guys then yelled "what the fuk r u doing" and opened his door, so i flashed my penis at him. he qikly closed the door and then i heard the toilet paper begin to roll. i only got one shit out but it was enuf, i used the paper towels to wipe my ass, and turned on the hand dryer so the hot air would make the shit smell even more. i heard his belt buckle and as i ran out i yelled "dont forget to wash your hands" and threw one of my paper towels with shit on it over in his cubicle.
1 Somenakedguy 2017-10-11
This one is my fav tbh
1 IvankaTrumpIsMyWaifu 2017-10-11
/u/ed_butteredtoast this one sounds like you IRL
1 niexx 2017-10-11
1 AlyxLovely 2017-10-11
"pulled down my pants and started grunting loudly and you could hear the boris slide down the sink. one of the guys then yelled "what the fuk r u doing" and opened his door, so i flashed my penis at him."
CLEARLY THE MOST LOGICAL SOLITION.
1 venom_god 2017-10-11
Why the fuck do we have to do this every three months MongoLawlz?
1 MasterLawlz 2017-10-11
Because
1 YHofSuburbia 2017-10-11
Consider keeping yourself safe
1 _concerned_father_ 2017-10-11
White identity is the greatest shame of the so-called white race. There is literally nothing else in my entire life that makes me feel more ashamed to be a honky child of Nordic immigrants living in the American South. I was getting along JUST FUCKING FINE THANK YOU until these other paleface assholes came along and started stealing my mojo. Words are inadequate to describe just how much I hate these fucking scam artists and grifters. They've completely spoiled any shred of good karma so-called 'white people' might have, which they want to steal from all the other moonskins like me whom they've never met, known, or have any right to claim. They are the only reason it sucks to be white; there is no one else who has done this to us. Louis CK was wrong. If I had a time machine, I wouldn't go back to 2 AD and ask for the nicest table at the restaurant. I'd go back and strangle these motherfuckers' ancestors in the crib so that nobody else would ever have to put up with this nonsense team flag bullshit they've invented that's based on nothing more than a melanin deficiency and vanity. You've fucked our chance to evolve, do you realize that you dumbass white supremacist fucks? I have to refer to you as "we" and babysit your sorry asses because you bought into the idea of whiteness like some fucking mark watching late night infomercials on TV. You're the worst people on Earth right now. You'd better fucking hope the SJWs are right about pretty much everything, because if race isn't a social construct, we're all going to burn in Hell together, you fucking motherfucking fucks. Sorry, nothing against you /u/MasterLawlz , I just needed to vent. Whew, that feels better.
1 aliceunknown 2017-10-11
Circumcised or uncircumcised?
1 I_smell_like_bacon 2017-10-11
COCK
1 glmox 2017-10-11
When I was younger I was a fucking fiend for jerking off. 6 to 10 times a day was normal. I eventually got desensitized I think and I needed more. I started off trying to fuck my pillows, a mattress, a vcr slot. None of that worked and one left a scar.
Then one day I was eating a hot pocket. And it dawned on me. I let it cool to a warm but comfortable temperature, and fucked it. Amazing.
My mom was shocked at my sudden taste for hot pockets. The problem was I couldn’t eat them afterwards. So she thinks I’m eating two hot pockets for every meal of the day, meanwhile I’m starving, sneaking snacks out of the pantry at every opportunity.
It was an amazing summer. I spent every cent I got from mowing lawns on hot pockets. BBQ beef was the best because of its consistent texture.
Oh, I left out an important piece, I had to break them up afterwards and flush them down the toilet. So 8 times a day I was mashing up hot pockets filled with jizz into a soup like consistency and flushing it down the toilet, like some kind of psycho.
That was a long time ago and I’m over it, I have a fleshlight now anyways and it’s much cheaper to buy diced ham and cheez wiz in bulk
1 AlyxLovely 2017-10-11
Men were a mistake
1 glmox 2017-10-11
the truest words ever written
1 ragnathorn 2017-10-11
You are unironically annoying, I can only imagine how lonely and pathetic you are in person
1 MasterLawlz 2017-10-11
Thanks