You caught me. You flat-out caught me. It's time to come clean.
Let me tell you a little bit about how I go through my day, which is also how literally every other moderator goes through theirs.
I wake up in my dingy, unwashed bed (which is covered with suspicious stains), then immediately scream for my mother to come downstairs and tell me that I’m a special boy. Once I feel sufficiently better than everyone else, I log in to Reddit, where I go through all of the top-secret communiques that I receive from whichever political party you personally dislike. Having accepted my marching orders, I motivate myself by going to town on my own backside with an anime-style figurine; a doll which looks vaguely like the world leader you most abhor. Then it’s time to get to work.
Pushing a narrative which irritates you – yes, specifically you – is obviously my first priority… but if a totalitarian regime which controls another country, religious group, or corporation has sent me enough money, I take whatever steps I can to promote or censor anything that’s even tangentially related to what they’ve highlighted for me. If the entity in question also happens to have a very small minority stake in Reddit (or if one of the site’s executives has rumored ties to their organization), then I make sure to publicly fellate them whilst simultaneously denying their influence. The more sucking that I do, the more cash I receive!
Mind you, I don’t actually spend any of that loot, because moving out of my parents’ basement would mean that I wouldn’t get that crack-of-noon ego-stroking anymore. No, rather than using those ill-gotten gains to improve my lot in life, I sculpt them into life-size (and anatomically correct) sculptures – using copious amounts of my own neck-sweat as glue – of the various public figures whose actions or perspectives anger you.
Anyway, once I’ve made certain that my corrupt overlords are pleased, I start looking for ways that I can ruin individual users’ days. Randomly removing posts (and then pretending that they were in violation of some invisible rules) is the only way that I can become aroused, after all, and I need to stand at my full, massive two inches if I’m going to be able to reach myself past all of my stomach fat. Having come to attention, I put on my self-pleasure hat – which is a trilby, of course – and start banning people who disagree with my opinions.
Those opinions having been carefully structured to go against yours, of course.
It’s time for a break by that point, so I spend an hour or three lecturing my waifu body-pillow about a given social trend that makes people (again, specifically you) upset. She’ll usually offer some kind of counterargument, which means that I need to throw an impotent tantrum. Whenever that happens, my only solace comes by way of somehow abusing my awesome Internet powers, typically while gorging myself on junk food, soda, and heaping handfuls of straight-up lard. Don’t ask me how that abuse actually manifests, though, because I’ll silence all of the remarkably insightful questions that you send my way. The thing is, I’ve never heard any of them before... and since my hidden masters haven’t told me how to respond, my only option is to screech at my computer monitor as I wildly flail around.
Those eight seconds of exertion tend to bring me pretty close to unconsciousness, so I have to completely ignore the communities that I govern for a while, thereby allowing a multitude of posts and comments to go through unchecked. Fortunately, they’re only ever submissions which you (once more, specifically you) find distasteful, so it still counts as a victory. At the same time, though, if you try to submit anything – especially if it’s entirely adherent to those invisible rules that I mentioned earlier – I’ll wheeze my way back into a semi-upright position for just long enough to mete out another completely unwarranted ban.
Finally, once all of that is done, I kill myself, frequently by dying in a fire. Getting the suggestion to do so dozens (or even hundreds) of times a day just proves to be too much for my utterly unfathomable intellect to handle, so I eventually succumb to the sweet embrace of death.
Besides, it’s the only way that I can get to sleep at night.
TL;DR: You don’t need to read this, because you’ve already decided that you know it all.
What a bunch of gay faggots
Gay didn't even mean sodomite until <100 years ago, meaning it's not even a real word. By the way, faggot has nothing to do with burning fudgepackers at the stake. Poofters just culturally appropriated normal people language to describe themselves, which is why it's totally justifiable to call a wonk a faggot or call lame things gay.
Does this mean if I stack enough oppression points, I can order these larping asshats to give me all their valuables or otherwise I will call them bigots / racists / etc?
28 comments
1 AutoModerator 2019-09-02
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1 SnapshillBot 2019-09-02
Damn, you know what?
You caught me. You flat-out caught me. It's time to come clean.
Let me tell you a little bit about how I go through my day, which is also how literally every other moderator goes through theirs.
I wake up in my dingy, unwashed bed (which is covered with suspicious stains), then immediately scream for my mother to come downstairs and tell me that I’m a special boy. Once I feel sufficiently better than everyone else, I log in to Reddit, where I go through all of the top-secret communiques that I receive from whichever political party you personally dislike. Having accepted my marching orders, I motivate myself by going to town on my own backside with an anime-style figurine; a doll which looks vaguely like the world leader you most abhor. Then it’s time to get to work.
Pushing a narrative which irritates you – yes, specifically you – is obviously my first priority… but if a totalitarian regime which controls another country, religious group, or corporation has sent me enough money, I take whatever steps I can to promote or censor anything that’s even tangentially related to what they’ve highlighted for me. If the entity in question also happens to have a very small minority stake in Reddit (or if one of the site’s executives has rumored ties to their organization), then I make sure to publicly fellate them whilst simultaneously denying their influence. The more sucking that I do, the more cash I receive!
Mind you, I don’t actually spend any of that loot, because moving out of my parents’ basement would mean that I wouldn’t get that crack-of-noon ego-stroking anymore. No, rather than using those ill-gotten gains to improve my lot in life, I sculpt them into life-size (and anatomically correct) sculptures – using copious amounts of my own neck-sweat as glue – of the various public figures whose actions or perspectives anger you.
Anyway, once I’ve made certain that my corrupt overlords are pleased, I start looking for ways that I can ruin individual users’ days. Randomly removing posts (and then pretending that they were in violation of some invisible rules) is the only way that I can become aroused, after all, and I need to stand at my full, massive two inches if I’m going to be able to reach myself past all of my stomach fat. Having come to attention, I put on my self-pleasure hat – which is a trilby, of course – and start banning people who disagree with my opinions.
Those opinions having been carefully structured to go against yours, of course.
It’s time for a break by that point, so I spend an hour or three lecturing my waifu body-pillow about a given social trend that makes people (again, specifically you) upset. She’ll usually offer some kind of counterargument, which means that I need to throw an impotent tantrum. Whenever that happens, my only solace comes by way of somehow abusing my awesome Internet powers, typically while gorging myself on junk food, soda, and heaping handfuls of straight-up lard. Don’t ask me how that abuse actually manifests, though, because I’ll silence all of the remarkably insightful questions that you send my way. The thing is, I’ve never heard any of them before... and since my hidden masters haven’t told me how to respond, my only option is to screech at my computer monitor as I wildly flail around.
Those eight seconds of exertion tend to bring me pretty close to unconsciousness, so I have to completely ignore the communities that I govern for a while, thereby allowing a multitude of posts and comments to go through unchecked. Fortunately, they’re only ever submissions which you (once more, specifically you) find distasteful, so it still counts as a victory. At the same time, though, if you try to submit anything – especially if it’s entirely adherent to those invisible rules that I mentioned earlier – I’ll wheeze my way back into a semi-upright position for just long enough to mete out another completely unwarranted ban.
Finally, once all of that is done, I kill myself, frequently by dying in a fire. Getting the suggestion to do so dozens (or even hundreds) of times a day just proves to be too much for my utterly unfathomable intellect to handle, so I eventually succumb to the sweet embrace of death.
Besides, it’s the only way that I can get to sleep at night.
TL;DR: You don’t need to read this, because you’ve already decided that you know it all.
Snapshots:
I am just a simple bot, *not** a moderator of this subreddit* | bot subreddit | contact the maintainers
1 jimmerz28 2019-09-02
The time old tale of people not understanding the difference between meaning and definition even when it's their own native language.
How a word is commonly/most often used is its definition, which one finds normally in a dictionary.
What a word means, depends on the context in which its spoken.
Guy 1: "Are you an incel?"
Guy 2: "Yea clearly..." /rollseyes
By definition (or "literally") Guy 2 answers in the affirmative, but what he meant was: "No I'm not you fucking retard."
That's how sarcasm works which is one of just many examples.
Context denotes the meaning of a word, not what these idiots think.
They can't even understand their own language and they use it daily. 🙄🙄🙄🙄
1 Neon_needles 2019-09-02
That's nice and all, but normally I think most people don't give a shit what a retard thinks.
1 34dsfsd 2019-09-02
Hey, as a bisexual I'm offended
1 OxidizeAtlantic 2019-09-02
will having sex with me make you feel better?
1 34dsfsd 2019-09-02
No
1 necrocannibal2 2019-09-02
too bad
1 Dungold 2019-09-02
I'm bisexual and I encourage people to say faggot
1 CCAlkie 2019-09-02
Don't think we get an f-pass for only being half unfortunately. :(
1 AugustinesBitchBoy 2019-09-02
It actually depends on how long it's been since you've sucked your last dick. f-pass expires after 6 months.
1 watermark1917 2019-09-02
I love you my little bitch
What you’re syaing I can’t tell you I love you and that you’re my little bitch simply because we have no level of intimacy at all
This is the most antisemitic thing I’ve ever seen
1 dramasexual 2019-09-02
as a straight person who REALLY wants woke points
lmao nobody cares breeder
1 charming_tatum 2019-09-02
I'm politically bi
1 Pro-Evil_Operations 2019-09-02
https://i.imgur.com/RDDjoaL.png
1 Redactor0 2019-09-02
That's being fabulously optimistic.
1 Geraffe_Masturbator 2019-09-02
What a bunch of
gayfaggotsGay didn't even mean sodomite until <100 years ago, meaning it's not even a real word. By the way, faggot has nothing to do with burning fudgepackers at the stake. Poofters just culturally appropriated normal people language to describe themselves, which is why it's totally justifiable to call a wonk a faggot or call lame things gay.
1 FearOfBees 2019-09-02
Wow SRDines are literally subhuman. So gays can't discuss or criticize straight people? Welp
1 _Suprememe_ 2019-09-02
Don't talk about subhumans if you're not an SRDine.
1 rocinantebabieca 2019-09-02
Do these people want to ban all mockery?
1 QuadNarca 2019-09-02
most people still didn't realize that calling someone gay or faggot is a compliment and not an insult
1 EyeseeFN 2019-09-02
Proof that the day of the can can't come soon enough.
1 Stenwalden 2019-09-02
Does this mean if I stack enough oppression points, I can order these larping asshats to give me all their valuables or otherwise I will call them bigots / racists / etc?
1 WeWuzKANG5 2019-09-02
Srd in a nutshell
1 watermark1917 2019-09-02
Context doesn’t exist and I’m a retard
1 dramasexual 2019-09-02
This just in: Gay people fine with calling things gay because being gay doesn't mean you're a huge pussy
1 CommissarPayne 2019-09-02
Can these faggots shut up?