A Carnaval🎡 of Covid🦠: How Brazil🇧🇷 has Botched the Beer Flu🍺🦠

103  2020-04-11 by 600_lbs_of_sin

“We’re going to face the virus like a man, dammit, not like a little boy.”

"The president is doing nothing"

Brazil is the largest country in South America and the 5th largest in the world. Its population of 211 million is 6th in the world, and it covers nearly half the land area of South America.

Brazil's President thinks he's the 🍊Donald TrЦmp of Latin America, but unfortunately, he makes Dæddy look like a perfectly stable genius. His rise to power started when he ran for city council to get out of trouble in the army. His lucky break came in 2018 when the front-runner for president got arrested and he took the lead. Also, one time a congresswoman called him a rapist, and he responded that she was "not worth raping; she is very ugly".

All that aside, Brazil actually had an early lead going against the bat flu. The Health Ministry found and investigated the first 9 suspected cases in South America at the end of January, at a time when the US federal agencies were still systematically botching testing.

By February 25, they had confirmed the first case in São Paulo -- also the first confirmed case in South America. By February 28, they had sequenced the genome of the first case, and on the 29th they confirmed the second case.

On March 6, Bolsonaro gave a speech to Brazil. He said that "there is no reason to panic" and that Brazil should follow "expert recommendations". Nobody's quite sure which experts he was talking about here, because he's been ignoring his health ministry, his regional governors, and Science in general ever since.

On March 7, Bolsonaro flew to Miami to chill with his number one hero, 🍊Dæddy. He brought his press secretary Fabio Wajngarten in his entourage, who then....

....tested positive for the WuFlu on March 12! A bunch of high-level Brazilian officials had to quarantine and/or test, as did a bunch of Dæddy's various friends and relations (and Dæddy himself even!). Bolsonaro has claimed since that he has been tested twice, both negative.

Bolso's close brush with the Chingles seems to have only persuaded him that that he's invulnerable, and therefore it's not a problem for anyone else either. While the Ministry of Health recommended that anyone arriving in the country should isolate themselves, he went out on the streets to hang out with his (often elderly) supporters to protest against the Brazilian congress, where he delivered fist bumps, selfies, and hugs, and generally hung around without any sort of protective gear.

Meanwhile, them pangolin pathogens🦠 were spreading like crazy all around Brazil. By March 21, the first death had been confirmed, as had more than a thousand cases. All 26 states had confirmed at least one case. Lacking anything resembling leadership from above, Brazil's local governments began to issue their own quarantine orders. So of course, Bolso went ahead and gave a speech on the 24th implying that everybody was just being total pЦssies and the covid is really a "little flu" ('gripezinha').

Since it was clear that their feds🐷 weren't going to to do jack squat about the Flu Tang Clan, Brazil's real power structures took enforcement into their own hands. By March 26th, the criminal gangs who hold power across the favelas in Rio (slums, aka most of the city) were enforcing their own curfew, complete with posters, social media messaging, and car-mounted megaphones on the streets. One gang said that "if the government does not have the capacity to fix it, organized crime will solve it".

Brazil's drug gangs form an important (if unofficial) segment of local governance in the country. They're known for enforcing their own local curfews when, for example, respected gang members die. But with the Bat🦇 Blyat, they are not fЦcking around. They're strictly enforcing curfews every night, and have even cancelled the "bailes funk" - the giant dance parties they normally throw each weekend to sell drugs💊 at.

The regional governors also decided to stop waiting for the feds to get off their asses and do something. By the end of March, nearly every state had implemented some form of quarantine on their own, and declared some form of emergency situation. But in the crowded favelas, it's hard for poor Brazilians to keep their distance. And even the national government has been terrible at it -- at least 13 high-level officials have tested positive, which puts Brazil in second place behind Iran.

Over the last couple weeks, confirmed cases have climbed above 20k, but the actual number is likely to be orders of magnitude higher. Quarantined Brazilians have been banging pots🍲 and pans🍳 together on their balconies to protest Bolso, who has been blaming the fake news media for using the virus against him politically.

On March 19th, Bolso's son Eduardo tweeted that the virus was "China's fault", and the Chinese embassy in Brazil responded that Edurardo had clearly picked up a "mental virus" in the USA. This has been a problem for Brazil's health ministry, which has been trying to buy medical supplies from China and now has a lot of sucking up to do.

Anyway, if the Bat🦇 Soup🍜 Droop🦠 doesn't get Bolso itself, it's likely the crisis will. His approval rating has been plummeting and he's been losing allies. Brazil's version of the DDF still supports him strong, but much like America, they are a bunch of rætærded boomers, who keep gathering in large groups to support him without protective gear.

In summary, here is an educational video of the current situation in Brazil. The man exercising represents Brazil, and the dog in the bushes represents Jair Bolsonaro.

54 comments

2  WorldStarCroCop 2020-04-11

I only read the first two quotes and that's pretty fuckign funny.

1  600_lbs_of_sin 2020-04-11

inspired by Can_The_Srdine's effortposts about Israel🇮🇱 and Egypt🇪🇬

somebody do Turkmenistan🇹🇲 next they're fscked lmao 🤣

1  Can_The_SRDine 2020-04-11

You're welcome, this should become an /r/drama tradition 😷🤒. Also, ☪👬istan? Does any news even make it out of that country ? I always thought it was like the 🇰🇵 of Central Asia.

1  600_lbs_of_sin 2020-04-11

their dictator, who's name is Gurbanguly 🤣, has decided on the thousand-iq strategy of banning all discussion of the virus and pretending like it never made it over their shared border with Iran 🇮🇷

1  Can_The_SRDine 2020-04-11

🌌🧠

First credit has to go to GeminiRocket for his effortpost about 🦇😷 in 🇫🇷🍷🐌🐸🥖🚬

1  Still_Mountain 2020-04-11

Huh I always thought that episode of Archer was just making names up not referencing a real 👳🏾‍♂️

1  srsh10392 2020-04-11

Do curryland and Mudi next 🇮🇳🇮🇳🇮🇳

1  600_lbs_of_sin 2020-04-11

i don't have any context about 🇮🇳India💩 lmao i only pay so much attention to Brazil because it's relevant to my job

surely there are some superpower-cels hanging out here who could volunteer tho 🤔

1  [deleted] 2020-04-11

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1  Commy_Mommy_Rises 2020-04-11

links economist

Yo we're gonna start an alt-centrist movement in here 😍

1  600_lbs_of_sin 2020-04-11

they may be fart-huffing glöbalist brītbong nêolibs but they sure can find the spiciest 🌶 Bolso quotes 👍

2  Commy_Mommy_Rises 2020-04-11

Unironically, the best part about their reporting is that it is so fucking dry and monotone 95% of the time and that makes it all the more fun when they throw in their clever-ass jabs.

​

My favorite one from 2016 was then they were talking about whether Bernie should be considered a socialist or a succ and they said "The only thing that is socialist about Sander's policies is the fact they could never work".

1  600_lbs_of_sin 2020-04-11

imagine getting burned that hard by the fucking economist

holy shit lmao 😂

2  Commy_Mommy_Rises 2020-04-11

Dude people don't appreciate how snarky they are it's great. Also, they had a 'money printer go brrrr' reference in their issue last week and I actually thought it was pretty funny, just something they snuck in there.

1  Can_The_SRDine 2020-04-11

Now is our time.

1  [deleted] 2020-04-11

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1  McFluff_TheCrimeCat 2020-04-11

Emojis: 🙄🙄🙄

Brazil's drug gangs form an important (if unofficial) segment of local governance in the country. They're known for enforcing their own local curfews when, for example, respected gang members die. But with the Bat🦇 Blyat, they are not fЦcking around.

This isn’t surprising. They are literally the reason the slums have access to things like vaccines on the regular and other medical drug/supplies. Which while drugs are cheaper there, the medical kind and others, there’s an issue of the rich trying to hoard them and actual access to medical personnel. They’ve got an interesting history of forcing doctors and kidnapping them to temporarily serve rural populations in the country to and dropping them back off unharmed after they treat some of the more rural places. Part of its drug politics but part of it is the really don’t like their kids, neighborhood kids, and all the abuelas dying of preventable diseases.

1  Seattle_Bussy_Lmao 2020-04-11

Imagine mayoposting like this 🤢🤮 you have no shame

1  The_Great_I_Am_Not 2020-04-11

https://news.sky.com/story/coronavirus-hits-remote-amazon-tribe-in-brazil-as-15-year-old-boy-dies-with-covid-19-11971906

🌍

1  600_lbs_of_sin 2020-04-11

😔😢

1  hackfraud30011999 2020-04-11

Bolsonaro is the 99 cent store version of daddy 🤢

1  600_lbs_of_sin 2020-04-11

👆👆👆👆👆

1  tHeSiD 2020-04-11

you say that assuming d@ddy costs more than a dollar 🤣🤷‍♂️

1  AlecOzzyHillPitas 2020-04-11

Daddy is the wheat penny version of Andrew Jackson

1  Redactor0 2020-04-11

Duterte is the actual chad 😎😎😎 version of Daddy.

1  dogDroolsCatsRules 2020-04-11

One gang said that "if the government does not have the capacity to fix it, organized crime will solve it".

ANd the statists 🔬🧠 say we can't privatise 🤑 the government. 🔬🧠

😤😤😤

Great post tho 👍👍👍

1  Shinlo4 2020-04-11

Also, one time a congresswoman called him a rapist, and he responded that she was "not worth raping; she is very ugly"

Oh how people do love twisting things around until they're unrecognizable.

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1  [deleted] 2020-04-11

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1  BlooCheckmark 2020-04-11

Hey 📈🌡️↪️↪️☪️®️ bot, go fu©️k yourself

1  PasiphaeDNW_03 2020-04-11

HueDaddy is the best 🥰😍🥰

1  Bummunism 2020-04-11

Dude. Great post.

1  600_lbs_of_sin 2020-04-11

🥰🥰🥰🥰

1  jason_frg 2020-04-11

I don't care about any of this, but a friend of mine in college years ago says that it's easy for a white American guy to hook up with girls in Brazil, but they will only let you in their ass 🍑to preserve the purity of their pussy. Is that true?

1  ArlenBilldozer 2020-04-11

There was this guy named Mike who did plenty of research on this topic.

1  RIPGeorgeHarrison 2020-04-11

Thats just appropriating rural american 🍑🍑🍑culture.

1  Ubertroon 2020-04-11

As if any Latin American nation is going to be able to control a pandemic

Especially the blackest parts of Brazil 🐵

1  32624647 2020-04-11

Glad to see someone on this sub is finally delving into🔬 the untapped goldmine💎💎 of Brazilian Politics🇧🇷

1  CptMoistPanties 2020-04-11

Good; imagine taking a 1% mortality rate seriously.

1  600_lbs_of_sin 2020-04-11

1% mortality rate * 0% population immunity rate = bodies piling up in the streets my dude

1  CptMoistPanties 2020-04-11

thats...what? Thats not how it works wtf.

the entire premise of your comment is just scientifically wrong wtf. I dont even know what youre trying to say

1  600_lbs_of_sin 2020-04-11

what im trying to say is that if this disease kills 1% of people, and everybody gets it, that's a whole lot of dead people all at once

1  CptMoistPanties 2020-04-11

oh, of course. And what im saying is that more people die of heart disease every year but we never engaged catastrophic measures that destroy more than the disease itself to control it

1  600_lbs_of_sin 2020-04-11

i agree that people gotta eat and indefinite suspension of the economy is bad for that

but the alternative is that you have something like NYC where corpses are literally stacking up in refrigerated trailors in hospital parking lots, and the economy is suspended

honestly the direction we need to be moving in is figuring out how to reopen something like a functioning economy while we prevent exponential spread of the virus, with things like strict mask requirements in public, widespread testing and quarantine requirements for known positives, longer lasting restrictions on large gatherings, etc.......

but none of that can happen while bodies are piling up and hospitals are running out of beds

1  CptMoistPanties 2020-04-11

I dunno why people think NYC=America

Tell me why NYC with something like 100k people per square mile should have its situation replicated in wisconsin with 1 person per square mile.

Or why the >1% mortality rate in NYC is world ending. The point is to reduce loads on hospitals, not to prevent a 1% mortality rate.

I guess Im saying youre overplaying the deaths

1  600_lbs_of_sin 2020-04-11

i just remembered we had this argument 3 months ago and damn you were right, i should have listened 😔

1  CptMoistPanties 2020-04-11

?

I dunno if youre being sarcastic or sincere. AFAIK nothings changed other than more people getting it but far fewer dying

1  600_lbs_of_sin 2020-04-11

very sincere actually, lots of people have gotten it since then but all the evidence has been that death rates and hospital use rates are nowhere near as bad as we thought originally, and that the exponential curves we were using to simulate spread fall apart as spread grows, especially outside of densely packed cities

and yet meanwhile we still have legions of doomers out there acting like the only same choice is to lock down everything for the indefinite future

1  CptMoistPanties 2020-04-11

Well, Im not taking a victory lap on it or anything.

But yeah, based on all available evidence then and now, it isnt a catastrophic ebola level illness. Anyone can die from it, but its mostly the same group of people that can also die from the flu: the 80+ elderly.

Im not saying lick subway polls and get into mosh pits, but the effects on peoples livelihoods has far outstripped the effects on people in the aggregate. Politically its much easier to call for a lockdown than to have the ny times and american media call you a "human sacrifice experiment".

especially during an election season. At least, in America.

1  600_lbs_of_sin 2020-04-11

yep, exactly