I'll make this an effort post since I know you zoomies know nothing about the Internet or gaming before 2015.

Dyack in the middle

Silicon Knights

Silicon Knights was a Canadian developer who made a few decent games, like Legacy of Kain and the Gamecube remake of Metal Gear Solid. They're mainly remembered for the classic Gamecube horror game Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem, which is quite good for its time and is notable for being the only rated-M game ever published directly by Nintendo. They were lead by a guy named Dennis Dyack, a whiny manchild who doomed his company to fail.

Zoomers: This was considered scary in 2002

To give you an idea of their management, here's an image of games in production, games that were cancelled or abandoned before release are marked in yellow. Note the staggering ratio of unreleased/released games:

Anyways, Dyack's passion project for decades had always been a game called Too Human, but every effort to make it had been abortive. After the successes of Eternal Darkness and MGS, Dyack decides the Wii doesn't have shiny enough graphics and makes the bold choice to unshackle his company from a lucrative position as a Nintendo third party so he can truly fulfill his vision on the superior XBawx Please Fix Me. Silicon Knights shacks up with Microsoft and Epic Games and produce an E3 demo (zoomers: people used to go to an annual convention for video game trailers) which is received overwhelmingly negatively.

Dyack is NOT HAPPY and goes on the IGN forums to whine about how the critics will regret their words and deeds:

Unedited clip from Too Human

NeoGAF

Once upon a time there was a gayming website called Gaming Age, with their forum called the Gaming Age Forum (or GAF). Eventually Gaming Age imploded, but the top two jannies (Evillore and Bishoptl) were able to move their community to a new forum, appropriately called NeoGAF. You wouldn't know it these days with GAF being a shambling corpse and its spinoff ResetERA being what it is, but pre-G*merGate GAF was chill and a place where industry figures would show up and sperg out while everyone laughed at them.

Dennis Dyack makes a bet

Once such figure was our hero, Dyack. With his new slop getting trashed by GAFfers, he makes a thread to bet on how it'll turn out:

Right now the man just appears confident in his project. But his next post is a bit more... unhinged, and seems to be setting the bar rather low by making alreay-forgotten games Lair and Haze the standard to beat:

He then goes for an interview on 1up (Zoomers: Now-defunct gaming journo site) and whined about how people saying mean things online is ruining America and how if the NeoGAF mods don't start respecting Denis Dyack and Too Human he's going to call the Internet Police and shut them down!

Dyack then does another interview where he declares that not only is NeoGAF the worst forum in the world, but forums in general are evil and this is why the US military no longer uses writing:

Too Human comes out and scores lower than Haze. In classic GAF fashion the top janny punishes Dyack for losing the bet by writing lots of words and then perma-banning him. Dyack copes by saying g*mers are too stupid to understand his genius.

By this point the capital-G G*mers are pissed at Dyack in a way that prefigures G*merGate in a way. Seething articles are written speculating that angering the G*mers has resulted in him not just being banned from NeoGAF, but divorced from his wife, kicked out of the house, abandoned by his employees, his car towed, banned from every website ever, banned from the city of Niagara and tossed over the waterfall.

He messed with g*mers. G*mers.

The Saga Ends

Denis Dyack has brought Silicon Knights from one of the more respected devs in the industry to basically a joke. Following the failure of Too Human Dyack blamed the Unreal Engine and Epic Games and made the genius decision to sue them. This didn't go their way and by 2012 they owed Epic millions of dollars, had less than five employees, and were legally obligated to destroy all of their unsold games and source code.

In the meantime they had six more projects (including two sequels for Too Human) which were cancelled before they finally released another game, the absolutely awful X-Men Destiny, which turns out to be their last. In desperation, Dyack crawls back to Nintendo and pitches a sequel to their last hit, Eternal Darkness. NeoGAF insider reveals that Nintendo is agreeable until SK loses the lawsuit against Epic, and they decide they'd rather not fork over $10 million in legal fees so SK can survive, which Dyack denied. Former SK staff reveal that this was the case and part of the reason the X-Men game sucked was because Dyack was taking money given by Activision for that game and instead putting it toward Eternal Darkness II.

Years later Dyack attempts to kickstart his own Eternal Darkness successor and makes $300,000 out of the $700,000 target. He has yet to make another game. The end!

Dyack, left

tl;dr

As you probably know by now, I'm a sick, sick man. I am diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder along with OCD. This has affected my life negatively, but I'm still alive which more than many can say. Today, I'm going to explain the ins and outs of Bipolar Disorder. I hope you enjoy the short read.

What is Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder is a mental disorder characterised by mood swings. In other words, the sufferer may have periods of great euphoria followed by an irrational manic-depressive episode. During the upswing, a Bipolar patient will experience the following:

• euphoria

• high motivation

• irritability

• risky behaviour

• heightened sexual activity

I am currently in an upswing and I have very little need for sleep. Five hours or less is enough for now, which is partially why I have time for this shit. I also feel highly productive and cannot stop myself from producing something. I wish I was a genius so I could channel this energy into something other than rdrama posts that 12 people will upvote and cause 3 people to block me. After the upswing comes the downswing which consists of depression, suicidal thoughts, a lack of motivation, and self-harm. How much self-harm? It is estimated that 30-40% of folks with Bipolar Disorder will engage in self-harming behaviour. Upswings and downswings are usually not congruent with what is going on in the person's life. For example, someone with a good life may find themselves in a downswing while others may experience a euphoric downswing as they ruin their life.

Quick notes from Holly!

Holly says to take benzos, avoid sleep, play The Last of Us Part 2, and listen to Cocaine 80s. In between these activities, make shitposts on rdrama.

How quickly do these mood swings occur? Well, it depends on what kind of Bipolar disorder one suffers from. With Bipolar I and II, each upswing and downswing can last weeks to months. However, there exists rapid cyclic bipolar which is typically characterised as a series of 4 or more upswings or downswings occurring within a 12-month period. Symptoms typically begin to manifest in one's early twenties, though signs may appear during teen years or it could onset in one's late twenties.

Difference between Bipolar I and Bipolar II

Though Bipolar I and II share many similarities, there are some key differences. Most notably, one can only be diagnosed with Bipolar I if they experience a manic episode. A manic episode is characterized by psychotic symptoms such as visual and audio hallucinations. Other symptoms include:

• racing thoughts

• disinhibited social behaviour

• hypersexuality

• feelings of grandiosity

• pressured speech

For example, someone may feel that they are receiving messages from God, hear divine voices calling their name, believe they can change the world, or are on a special mission. With the propensity for risky behaviour comes increased drug use and risky sexual behaviour. Such individuals typically end up requiring involuntary institutionalization, and they demonstrate decreased activity in the lingual gyrus region of the brain and decreased activity in the inferior frontal cortex. In contrast, Bipolar II patients suffer from hypomania which is more subdued and less likely to ruin someone's life, but is nonetheless still highly disruptive. They do not experience the psychotic aspects of mania and do not usually require hospitalization during a hypomanic episode.

What goes up must come down. When the mania or hypomania is up, we get to the depressive stage. This is usually a period filled with great regret, melancholy, and a downswing in one's mood. This period is usually longer than the hypomanic or manic phase and this is when the self-harm and suicidal ideation slips in. Activities that were once enjoyed now feel dull, and constant sleep is common. During one of my downswings this year, I had to be hospitalized after severe self-harming.

But wait! There's a third option! Some people suffer from mixed affective state. This is when a person experiences an upswing and downswing simultaneously. This is common in patients with rapid cyclic bipolar where the mood swings occur so quickly, they don't have time to resolve.

What causes Bipolar Disorder

It is currently not known precisely what causes Bipolar Disorder though it is estimated that it is 70-90% genetic with a minimal environment factor. For example, an abusive childhood can aggravate the condition or a significant life event such as the loss of a loved one.

Scientists have zoned in on variants within the genes CACNA1C, ODZ4, and NCAN, and polymorphisms in BDNF, DRD4, DAO, and TPH1. The end-result is dysregulation in the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex portion of the brain.

Treatment of Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder is treated through a combination of therapy and medication. Currently, I am on lithium (a controversial mood stabilizer) and Abilify (an antipsychotic). Previously I have also been on sodium valproate and serdep. And of course, I have been given a plethora of benzodiazepines. Typical therapy methods include CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy).

It is difficult to treat Bipolar disorder because those with the illness are often in denial about it and resistant to treatment. This is especially true during manic episodes. Hence, more than 75% of individuals with BD inconsistently take their medications for various reasons.

Bipolar Disorder memes and infographics

Conclusion

I hate being bipolar. It's awesome.

Tune in next time when I discuss the function of the foreskin or the Beat Generation or some shit.

Previously, I had declared my feelings of affection to a female friend of mine (let's just call her Sarah because her name is Sarah). The feelings were not reciprocated, but she let me down in a weird way, she spoke about how she doesn't know how she feels, but she's not looking for a relationship at the moment. She embraces the asexuality meme which is partially how we ended up being friends.

More recently, I decided to give it another shot but to be more tactful this time. I told her I don't think I'm asexual anymore, and that I want to be in a relationship. Once again, she reiterated that she doesn't know how she feels and that a relationship isn't what she wants. Nevertheless, as always, she was nice about it and continues to actively pursue my friendship and constantly tells me she loves me.

At first, this confused me. However, I think I have some of it figured out. I have learned a bit about women and human relationships in general from this experience, and I'd like to share some of the reasons why it's almost certainly a bad idea to pursue your female friends. Now, of course there will be exceptions. Sometimes your female friend genuinely does like you and you'll have a romcom moment. My point is that that's probably not the case, and while you may view the friendship with rose-tinted glasses, she sees things totally differently.

1. They're used to it

Since they started developing breasts, women have been the center of sexual attention. It comes from all angles including older men, teachers, family members, and even other women. At some point, they get used to it and it becomes background noise. "Yes, he's ogling my breasts but I need to finish scanning my groceries".

The sexual attention also comes from male friends. You're NOT the first male friend to express romantic emotions, and you won't be the last. She's turned all of them down, what makes you think things will be different with you? She's used to it, she probably saw it coming, and she doesn't want it. If she did, you wouldn't have to ask because she'd make it obvious to you that she's romantically interested.

Now, there is the possibility of misreading signals, which brings us to the next point.

2. Women genuinely have platonic feelings

This is not to say that men are incapable of having platonic relationships. Nay, that is not my point. My argument is that it is much harder for men to do so. People shit on Steve Harvey but he was 100% correct when he said the following:

Things aren't the same with women. They can genuinely love you deeply without any sexual or romantic feelings. Why is this? Women don't have to deal with the famine mentality. For many men, s*x and love are scarce resources, so when it even vaguely seems like there's an opportunity for it, the feelings come on strong. Hence the cliche of "the cashier smiled at me now I want to marry her". (Most) women aren't leading you on intentionally when they allow intimacy into a friendship. That's the way friendships should be. But it doesn't mean she wants anything sexual or romantic.

3. You're in love because you're lonely

This is probably the crux of the issue. When you're starving, even a mud pie looks delicious. As men, you will face long stretches of loneliness and never being told you're beautiful, attractive, or worthy of anything. Inasmuch as catcalling and sexual objectification should be chastised, it at least serves as some kind of validation of one's attractiveness.

A friendship with a woman can bring about those feelings of validation within men and if you're not ready for it, it's going to develop into obsessive love. If you had higher self-esteem, more experience with women, or a source of love, your friendships with women would be completely normal and platonic. It's when these elements are missing that any smile, hug, or eye-gaze turns into fantasies of marriage.

When she inevitably turns you down, what are you left with? Nothing yet again. Nobody to say they love you or assure you that you are wanted in this world.

Things get more complicated if you're an introvert. Most relationships seem useless unless you're benefitting considerably. In your mind the thinking is "I'd only put this much effort into a relationship if I had romantic feelings". Whereas if the woman is an extrovert, it isn't costing her much mental energy to maintain the relationship. I hope that make sense.

4. She knows already

Don't bother. She already knows you like her. She accepts that as part of the cost of the friendship. That's not a bad thing. It means there's something good about you that she wants in her life even if its not of the romantic nature. You should be flattered by this even if it is heartbreaking at times.

Some women are a bit mean with this. They essentially get everything they would get from a boyfriend (someone to talk to, someone to take care of them) without the need to commit. But that's not always the case. In my case, Sarah goes out her way to be nice to me and to spend time with me. She's not using me for anything - a genuine, platonic friendship is all she wants. It's hard for my brain to wrap my head around it. I thought it was obvious that she felt something. Maybe I had to take the lead and break the ice? Nah, I'm convinced she knew ages ago I liked her but loved me enough to still be my friend despite not sharing romantic feelings.

5. You may lose everything

Life is about taking risks so I don't want to stress this point too much. However, if she doesn't already know and you spring it up on her, she may never trust you again and you will lose all the intimacy of your friendship. She will remain guarded around you, and perhaps even think of you as a slimy coomer who tried to use friendship to get into her pants. Shit can get brutal.

I've been lucky to have an understanding friends who has continued to be nice to me. I know that this isn't the case for everyone, and it also depends on how you respond to the rejection.

CONCLUSION

Heartbreak is one of the worst feelings to experience. It's like a knife constantly twisting in your chest. But it's part of life for most of us. A lucky few will find high-school sweethearts and never have to play the dating game, but for most of us, we're going to get rekt a couple times before we find the right one (if we ever do). Please, for the love of god, don't go looking for a girlfriend from your female friends. There's a difference between a girl friend and a girlfriend.

I'm probably preaching to the choir, and this may be obvious to most people here. But I know there are some autists who may need to read this to spare themselves the heartache I went through. The funny part is that if you're in love, nothing I write is going to change anything. You'll think your case is different. You'll try your luck. And you'll get rekt. But don't let me stop you. Some mistakes are meant to be made.

I know the asexuality meme isn't true. One day, she'll find a guy she likes (not me) and all that asexuality shit will disappear. And when it happens it will hurt like heck. However, I'm prepared, and I'll still be her friend. I'm wiser now thanks to the mistakes I've made. Thanks for reading.