Marseyvengers: Endgame

Carp panted, bleeding from a dozen wounds, desperate for a second wind that didn't seem to come. He'd thrown all he had against Bardfinn, shattered the Marsey Shield, even lifted Joan's Hammer. But Bardfinn was just too powerful. With the might he'd used all those years ago to beat his wife he'd beaten Aevann, Joan and Carp until only Carp was left standing.

Then the hiss came from behind Carp, and he turned to see the orange glow of a portal opening. And through it came... Masterlawlz? There he was, decked out in full Ben 10 regalia, ready to shame any wandering Wesley fool enough to cross his path.

Another portal opened, only to reveal... Ed Butteredtoast?! They'd all thought him lost forever, but there he was, big as life and ready to emojipost.

Another portal opened, then another, then another. First one troll, then dozens, then finally the entire rdrama army. Idio's wish on the Internet Stones had worked. Everyone's reddit accounts had been unbanned.

Carp rose to his feet, new strength surging through his veins, the will to fight beating once more in his courageous heart. He looked across the field at Bardfinn, whose forehead shone with fury.

Then the skies parted and Bardfinn made his own power felt as the ships of his admin and moderator armies landed, releasing their tanks and war machines. They had ban buttons and block lists like never before. Even with all of their accounts back, could rdrama do it?

Carp looked at the opposing army, gave a snort, gritted his teeth, and uttered two words.

"Marseyvengers, Assemble!"

With Carp at the lead the rdrama army surged across the battlefield, rushing forward to meet the oncoming charge from Bardfinn's dark forces. They crashed in the middle with a great conflagration of n-words and deplatformings. Carp screamed the forbidden word as he gouged out a janny's eye with what remained of his shield, before turning to see Aevann firing a blast of Python code into the face of an admin who was trying to sitewide Carp from behind. A hit squad of Merari, Belleariel and Awkwardtheturtle lurched forward to make their move, ready to take Carp down for his terminal transmisia. Then Joan appeared and delivered some good old anti-homophobia by fricking the three powermods buttholes bloody. As Joan's raging peepee penetrated the three mods over and over, he screamed "You're lucky I'm doing this to you when you're all so fricking FAT!"

But the three of them were broken apart when Steve Huffman, commanding Bardfinn's fleet, fired a ban ray at the three heroes, tearing up the ground underneath their feet. The three scattered, looking for backup, seeing their forces on the ropes everywhere they turned, watching Bardy brutally beat a pair of helpless goreposters. Once again, all hope seemed lost. But then -

"HERE ARE THE COURT DOCUMENTS THAT PROVE BARDFIN BEAT HIS WIFE"

Out of the sky flew Null, firing an energy blast that tore through Steve Huffman's ship, spraying Huffman with a barrage of shrapnel that ripped through his pale white flesh, leaving him a bloody mess on the floor of his craft as it now crashed to earth, killing the hundreds of redditors inside. At the 11th hour, Kiwifarms had arrived to save us all.

With renewed vigor and the backing of the kiwi forces, the dramanauts fought back with fury, launching an endless barrage of baitposts that drew one janny after another to their bloody demise, taking out even more with malicious reports when they baited the jannies into fedposting irl.

But another drama was playing out on the battlefield, the battle for control of the Internet Gauntlet, the ultimate power that could decide things one way or the other at any moment. Snallygaster was the first to lay eyes on it, pulling it out of the muck of shitposts into which it had fallen. But no sooner had she laid hold of it when blast from the past Ellen Pao came out of nowhere to strike Sally with the ironic power of history reborn. Snally was no weakling, and struck back with a post about drama on a hammock hobbyist Usenet group from 1987. Then while Ellen was distracted, Snally grabbed a shard of broken glass and jammed it into Ellen's throat, bleeding her out onto the battlefield. But while Snally was distracted, TakeItToRCirclejerk rushed forth, and with a cry of "Internet moderation is how I get s*x!" he claimed the Internet Gauntlet, streaking across the battlefield to give it to his master Bardy. The rdrama forces saw the danger and surged forth, but TITRCJ was defended by a legion of SRDines. There was only one thing to do.

"Everyone. The time has come. THE DAY OF THE CAN" cried Carp as the dramanauts fell on the SRDines, ripping and gouging and biting and slicing, tearing limb from limb, carving away chunks of fishy flesh. They knew everything was on the line and fought like it in the face of the cowardly SRDines screaming about trans rights, to which the dramanauts screamed even louder "WE HAVE SITE BANNERS SUPPORTING TRANS RIGHTS!" as they battled back with relentless fury. But TITRCJ, with a final cry of "Refusing to have s*x with trans women is transphobia!" threw the gauntlet across the field and into Bardfinn's hands.

Immediately and with desperate courage the three leaders broke through the SRDine line and fell upon Bardfinn, scrambling for the gauntlet. Joan struck with Stragbringer, the new hammer she'd forged in the heat of a powerbottom's butthole, while Carp struck with Joan's Hammer and Aevann brought to bear all the server-driven power he could. Yet with one mighty blow Bardfinn threw them to the ground. He smiled, lifted his hands, and readied his fingers. "I am... morally correct" he said. Then he snapped.

And then -- nothing.

Carp lifted himself up, bloody and broken, with nothing left to give - and with the Internet Gauntlet on his hand.

"I am... Carpathianflorist" he said, then he snapped.

A look of fury, then of desperation, then of acceptance crossed Bardfinn's features. Then Bardfinn faded away.

Then his SRDines faded away. Then his SRSters faded away. Then his jannies faded away. Then his army faded away.

The dramanauat army looked around, unable to believe it. They'd done it. He'd done it. Carp had banned them all.

A victorious cry rose up from everyone, one and all celebrating the victory so long fought.

Then Aevann rushed to Carp's side, eager to celebrate - and found him lying motionless. The gauntlet had taken its toll.

Carp was dead.

But /r/drama was free.