New Helltoss

You're suggesting that intent is all that matters. It's not.

Intent is important. Intent is not ALL that matters. Just because you didn't intend to be an butthole, doesn't mean you weren't an butthole.

Case in point - Many of my brothers friends, who I consider my own friends as well, have very few if any gay friends. They have no good way to measure what's in bad taste and what isn't. They never lived the experience of having the shit beat out of them for being gay, so when they make "that's gay" jokes, they have zero context to understand how a closeted kid within earshot might take that.

I know they don't intend it to be butthole-ish. I know they don't intend for that closeted gay kid at the next table in the restaurant to feel like he has to go deeper into the closet.

That DOESN'T MEAN that we shouldn't point out to them, the consequences of their joke and maybe, just MAYBE ask, like fricking adults that we are, that they reconsider how they speak and act.

Their lack of intent is why they should get the courtesy of being told to cut it out before being called a bigot. Their lack of intent doesn't 100% excuse their behavior.

You're committing a logical fallacy.

Trying to say we should just ignore bad behavior by pointing to someone's WORSE behavior and saying "Look how much worse it could be!" is not an argument. Tucker fricking Carlson is not the standard for goddarned human decency.

The next time your husband points out that you were rude or dismissive of them, try using the excuse "But I could always be really abusive and hit you, like some spouses." And not as a joke. Seriously look them in the eye and tell them "it could be worse".

Doesn't fricking fly, man. Adults tell adults when they're being rude and real adults own that, they don't make excuses.