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thanks bby :marseyandjesus: I know it's a lot easier to crit than write.

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:unicorn: Nonfiction = Fiction :mummy: Fiction = Nonfiction :!unicorn:

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You can tickle my crit whenever you want to bb

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Either 'blackness', 'black' (noun), or 'inkiness'.

You could also just say ink if you're feeling experimental. Don't do void, it's hard to pull that one off well, and Reddit ruined it. 'Abyss' to a certain extent has been spoiled as well.

'I'm' + 'looking out at from' + 'some ___ shore' also seem too colloquial given the tone.

I want to explore this one more, since I didn't really elaborate. 'I'm' is because it's a contraction, so conversational, so probably not what you're looking for.

'looking out at from' could be replaced by 1-2 words that cut through more. "Regard' has that Romance stuffiness to it, which likely fits better.

'Some tangled shore' could work. I can see a mild juxta between the quixotic 'tangled' as an adjective (this isn't a crit, I love quixotic adjs) and the conversational, slangy 'some'. The syllables flow well. I think it's mainly a tone thing, so prefer 'I regard from a tangled shore'.

If you're ok with not being too ornate, you wouldn't need to change as much. Personally I think ornate works better for this, because the juxta between the subject, anime degenerates, and the tone is the core reason people do this type of creative exercise.

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Don't do void, it's hard to pull that one off well, and Reddit ruined it. 'Abyss' to a certain extent has been spoiled as well.

Depths still has legs. Fathoms, reach, etc.

Literally everything you've said is 100% on point; can't argue.

so prefer 'I regard from a tangled shore'.

Yes, agreed as was expressed before because it fits better tonally and is more economical. If I WERE NOT going for the stuffy HP vibe, I might say the “some tangled shore” is almost alliterative and kinda cute :marseyinabox:

I love this discourse.

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Thought of another word rather than “void” but probably equally hard to use because it sounds so awkward that I'm not sure anyone would let you get away with it — “nadir”. It's a great word but sounds and even just LOOKS in written form like a frickup.

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Perhaps not in this particular context. 'Nadir' has a technical edge to it and you're trying to describe looking into a black sea/inkiness, which calls for poeticism.

Nadir would be like: 'The Marvels is the nadir of capeshit's box office', 'the nadir of race relations' etc. Or you're describing something like mountains and valleys (the valley would be a nadir).

A pseudo-HPL would probably reserve it for its original sense, of the scientific position of stars and planets. You're right that it's a good word. For that reason, weigh it carefully.

Random thought: If you want to try some gallows humor, call it 'the drink'. That also might be hard to pull off however.

The more I think of it, just stick with 'ink'. Not only is it black staining liquid, but it literally rhymes with drink.

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The lake was an iris, sliding ever open beyond its horizon, reflecting upward in reverence the milky cataracts of countless stars, great yawning chasms of endless nothing, and the strange, unknowable delights between. If that pool should blot out, if it should blink, be absorbed as a vanishing twin of these indescribable cosmos, that blackness below would be wide enough to swallow this village, perhaps this world.

He stood at the far end of the embankment, a smudge against the ashen sand. He emptied his pockets not to save himself from the mundane horror of his decided fate, but rather in mindless fear that his body might be sucked down into that depthless ichor, and even the idea of him be lost forever.

A moment. One singular, ageless epoch arrived upon him in a horrible shudder as the water darkened, the sky grew listless and seemed to slope downward, his stomach slid in a greasy knot within him, and suddenly the horizon appeared as a hungry mouth; aglitter with the teeth of ages to devour.

He closed his eyes, hoping helplessly for standing sleep, some stupor to carry him painlessly into the gut of the fathomless beast.

He was not so fortunate.

The beast sloughed forward, shapeless in its width and mass, seeming to seep into the shore rather than claim it. It was a crawling tar, as wide and long as the lake itself, and it rolled and shifted impossibly upward, into the reeds.

It dripped and saddled the forgotten stumps and detritus of the shoreline, swallowing each and upward, crawling still, toward the town, into the gravel, disintegrating it, dismissing it, breathing it in as an afterthought.

(Edit- I'm actually into this and might save this as a personal prompt. This HPL shit is fun)

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Random thought: If you want to try some gallows humor, call it 'the drink'. That also might be hard to pull off however.

Go abstract and call it ‘the blink'- introduce a notion of missing time and the dark things you might've seen or done in that broken frame. Now you're playing with Nintendo power, blink is effortless, instinctual, unavoidable and an instant and total loss of sense and self.

Even avoiding that, calling it “the blink” without any meta shit, if done right, can still impart the instant unavoidable blindness we fear in the face of horror. Don't blink.

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Yeah that word necessitates a setup. You have to define a zenith even if not using that word explicitly. It's tough but a cool word.

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maybe. I walked away my laptop briefly and suddenly had a change of heart.

Since it's about a dude (not) committing suicide, 'nadir' could work. Him 'staring into the nadir' could work well, it's more of a coin flip really.

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