Black spiderman is literally on suicide watch

Hey. If you're watching this, you know what's going on. Some New Yorkers woke up today with spider-powers... And they're tearing the city apart. And all over the world, no one's asking "Why would they do that?" Because everybody knows... New Yorkers are loud, rude, obnoxious jerks! Well, guess what? The rest of the world is wrong! 'Cause today, like a lot of you, I found out that I've got spider-powers too! And I'm gonna do my part! My name's Peter Parker, I'm a native New Yorker... And when I look around this city, I don't see a bunch a' jerks. Know what I see? Teachers, nurses, cops, parents, neighboors, friends... Good people who give their all! Everywhere I look, I see heroes! Now lets show 'em this didn't just happen to the jerks, it happened to the real New Yorkers too! And that today, we're not just heroes... We're Super-Heroes!