what exactly soured you from Christianity?

totally fine, i'm not super sure but aside from exactly what you're saying ab the woowoo philosophy and skepticism shit, what drew me away from religion was prob the sort of doomer leftist mindset every edgy teen takes on when they don't want to see the world burn and feel helpless w/ all the awful shit going on in the world, which naturally leads to an abandoning of faith/hope that a being who has all of this control (omniscience, omnipresence, omnipotence, omnibenevolence, the other trait i'm forgetting rn bc i have not slept in 48 hours lol) could allow all of that shit to happen. i also was susceptible as a child to a lot of the more negative aspects of life in the church (idk things like seeing those big neochurches take over and capitalize on something that is supposed to be sacred, members of the church being openly homophobic/hateful or otherwise constantly going against God's word, etc), and I've always been rly skeptical/a contrarian so i'm sure a lot of it was just natural rebellion as well! ultimately as you say i was trying to rationalize something that cannot be rationalized, which is still kinda difficult for me but i'm slowly reconciling it!

naturally i grew out of leftism (mostly) and eventually started to find value/healing/hope in believing in literally anything as life has not been amazing for the past year or so, based largely off of what I grew up believing about God. from there, philosophy of religion exposed me to some of the more compelling arguments for/against God's existence and I took an interest in it, which helped me with my faith. i completely resonate w/ the arguments for the necessity of faith and also agree most w/ the "leave it alone, it's supposed to be a mystery, understanding God's plan/work/character/etc detracts from his purpose/meaning). i'm def not perfect but i'm trying lol. i hope all of this makes sense, i'm so deliriously tired. that last line made me cry bc i'm a and am doing my very best rn to carry on and live w/in my own values and such hahahahaaaa... partying and drugs and alcohol and self-destructive behavior in general are all things i'm working on stopping in part through faith (if i can) so thank you sincerely, i prob really needed to hear that rn lol!