Too lazy to make actual content so here's a schizo rant I wrote in my journal lmao

This is a top-tier look into the mind of an extremely mentally ill man who managed to mantain some degree of awareness despite the insanity. Tbh a good read if you have time

May 10, 2021

I feel numb, unmotivated. The hopes and aspirations still are joyful fantasies for me, as much as all my questions and thoughts and philosophical musings about my significance and the purpose of life, or the possibility of their not being any point or purpose to life at all, as well as identity, isolation, god and everything else, are all still anxieties and hopes and terrors.

But it all feels dampened now, lessened. And my motivation for school, even though I know I want to do well, has shrunk almost completely, just like my motivation to reach out, talk to people, have friends. I'm probably at a place in my life and in relationships where if I did start talking to certain people more I could have real good friends. But, meh.

Meh. It's how I feel about a lot of things right now. It's bad. But maybe the alt is worse. Maybe it's because it's how I have to feel. Cause if I didn't, what then? If I couldn't just say "who cares" or "meh" to things then suddenly all the questions and thoughts about life and it's purpose and god (If he exists) and the universe and my family, and people and politics, and everything else can't wait or be ignored,

and all the questions need to be answered in some way, all the trains of thought in my head have to lead somewhere, to be resolved, the choices have to be made, the debates between ideas in my head I've learned or formed have to be won or settled. The conflicts between beliefs I have, have to be won.

And if I can't decide or answer, or I don't like the answers I've come to, then what, do I just curl up into a ball and lay there, stuck for all eternity? As long as I care I have to choose.

Not that "meh" is a much better option.

I think I might be horribly depressed. But it's not like it's the kind where you just want to die.

I feel like I am dead, and I just want to live.

....

That last line might have been slightly overdramatic, but maybe it's just that I feel good and I didn't two minutes ago when I wrote that. I'm slightly cheered up right now because I came up with that line and it sounds pretty good. Huh.

...