First off, thank you to my insurance risk pool for paying for me to get high 2x a week 🤗
I am on Spravato 84mg twice a week for treatment resistant depression having failed 8 or 9 SSRIs/SNRIs, hospitalized 4x, attempted twice (once which was almost fatal…in the ICU for awhile). People throw around the terms “abuse” and “trauma” an awful lot but some things I have experienced I've never even told another soul (even my sister). Really glad my psychiatrist is gay bc I feel safe talking about some of the CSA with him. I had a therapist before who I swear got “excited” talking about it.
I had been relatively stable for around 5 years until I faced some work stress in the last 12 months. I guess a lot of my problems came roaring back and I fell into a deep depression. I did inpatient, partial hospitalization and intensive outpatient and it didn't really help that much tbh. I am currently on 2X the max dose of Prozac and it just makes me unable to c*m or cry. It wasn't helping with the anhedonia and my panic attacks were still happening around 1x a week. I was running out of options (hence the $10k service dog….)
Enter ketamine 😍
Spravato is the FDA approved version for depression. You sniff it 3x 5 minutes apart and then they leave u in a room to go on a psychedelic trip.
WELL
This shit is working. I have my fourth session today.
The first two times I k-holed and had out of body experiences (seeing myself from above) and saw life was beautiful again….theres so much life to live. It was a lot like doing shrooms. The effects wore off pretty quickly but I was grateful for any respite from the despair. The third time I didn't have a full trip or anything (was more like being pleasantly drunk) but the effects have stuck around. As I wrote on another post, I am reading for pleasure, I have hopes and plans for the future and I believe all my problems have solutions.
My hot psychiatrist said they don't do it much at Northwestern bc of the tolerance you can develop. That part kind of scares me but hopefully I'll be able to crawl out of this abyss first.
If you have treatment resistant depression, it's worth looking into. I know for the Blues it just required failing one SSRI. There is a copay assistance program so you shouldn't have to pay much if anything to get it as long as you have private commercial insurance.
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Edit: Nvm I didn't finish reading before I commented.
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I was fricking in the fricking ICU for 3 days (I have a fricking 2 second
memory 
opening my eyes) then intermediate ICU for a fricking couple 
more, then psych ward. I had cancer 
at the fricking time and took 400 extra strength 
aspirin. I could feel myself 
dying, I can't even describe it. I panicked and called 911, I lived.
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This also happened to me when I was 18, I took like 18,000mg of Seroquel and had to go to the ER, then ICU, then psych ward after. It's one of the worst experiences I've ever had, I had nightmares about it for years and get upset every time I think about it. Anyway I empathize alot with some of what you are going through and I'm happy to hear you've found some relief. It's beyond miserable to be in the situation you're in, I think people often don't understand. I hope the ketamine continues to work for you!
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Thank you so much for your kind comment.
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The human proclivity toward self-sabotage is amazing. It's almost like people who use these methods don't want to kill themselves; they simply want to feel something different.
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