On the Horrible Effects of Nutmeg

When I was in highschool, a wacky teacher said "When I grew up, my friends and I used to drink Coca-Cola and eat nutmegs, so we went a bit funny in the head".

Of course, I thought this sounded exciting, so I asked a little more about it. I wanted to coax the magic formula out of the old man. When I asked, however, he looked most confused... "What do you mean boy? Are you completely out of your mind? One thing has nothing to do with the other. Coca-Cola is drunk at the movies, nutmeg replaces vodka!"

I was studying hotel and restaurant management, so I snatched a few dozen whole nutmegs on my way home. When I went to test it, I found that nutmegs are very hard to chew, so I pulled out the cheese grater. Now it turned out that when nutmeg is eaten as anything other than a carefully handled spice, it tastes like forty miles of bad road. I bravely pulled out my cigarette papers and some tobacco, then confidently modeled an incredibly balanced prototype of something I imagined would revolutionize my party economy.

Excited, I now lit my exotic cigarette. After a few puffs, I noticed that the fat of the nut was collecting in my bangs and forehead, and then, most annoyingly, dripping into my eyes. I threw it away.

After a while of experimenting with yogurt, beer and jam, I found the magic mixture! Lots of cinnamon effectively covers the flavor of 14-20 grated nutmegs mixed into a plate of skim milk. I ate the mixture and sat down to wait. Nothing happened. I went out with the dog to pass the time, but nothing was noticed. I got pissed off at the scam and angrily turned on the coffee maker.

When the coffee was ready, I sat down calmly in front of Jeopardy with a cup of coffee. On the second game board, I realized I didn't understand anything at all. I had become acutely stupid! Well, at least it worked, I thought. I tried to feel around, but the nutmeg did not improve my quality of life at all. After some experiments with jogging and Playstation, I gave up. The only result of the nuts was that I was tired, stupid, and had a bit of a wobbly motor function. Disappointed, I brushed my teeth and went to bed.

The next day I half woke up to find that I felt extremely weak, had aches and pains all over my body and last but not least I had gone blind. Shocked, I tried to get up, but my legs gave way and I collapsed into my expensive record collection, injuring myself quite badly in the fall. With shards of my broken music albums stuck here and there in my naked body, I lay in a very embarrassing - and painful - pose, contemplating my precarious situation.

After a few minutes I realized that my eyelids were closed and impossible to open in the usual way. With great patience, I found my hands and began to gently pry my eyes open. The suffering increased considerably with this maneuver, but I still felt relieved when I got my sight back. My eyelids had simply dried up due to extreme dehydration.

I carefully made my way to the bathroom and gulped down as much water as I could. After bathing my badly bruised head with a damp sanitary towel for a while, reality began to set in. I discovered that much of the pain in my body was caused by my overly bursting bladder, but I couldn't take a piss either. After a very gentle abdominal massage, my bright yellow urine began to trickle in its total absence of transparency. My urethra felt like it was going to burst, but the pain from the bladder disappeared.

After drinking some more water, I tried to brush my teeth, but the toothbrush proved to be too feeble a tool for that task. I had to do the dirty work with my fingernails - I have never seen such a horribly disgusting coating!

With the help of the walls, I limped into the kitchen, where my mother was. I looked at the clock and realized that school had started two hours ago. I exclaimed, "Darn, I overslept. Maybe if I take a couple of tylenol, you can give me a ride?"

My mother now delivered the following facts; "School started 26 hours ago, so to speak. You slept all day yesterday, so I told them you were sick when your friends came by."

After realizing that neither painkillers nor food would help in any way against the terrible hangover of nutmeg, I lay down in my sweaty bed and sucked on blueberry soup until I fell asleep again. After a few days I was fully recovered and went back to school. Of course, I tipped off the poppy students in the class about the wonderful effects of nutmeg, as if as punishment for their poppiness.

So what do we learn from this, boys and girls? Well, nutmeg may be a cheap drug, but it is definitely not worth the price.

If you still want to try it, I recommend that you stock up on skimmed milk, cinnamon, a grater, a well-stocked IV, and take a couple of days off. Good luck.