My girlfriend has gained weight and our s*x life is suffering because of it : AskIreland

OP:

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

24M here. Been with my gf (F24) for 6 years.

We used to have fantastic sex, usually at least once a day. Now we have penetrative sex twice month if I'm lucky.

I feel like a shallow prick for considering ending the relationship but when my sex life is on the fritz the rest of my life seems to unravel as well. I get unhappy, stressed, etc. She's made no effort to lose the weight, even after I recently started dropping hints that she should get active and healthy.

Any other redditors been through this? What did you do?

comments of note:

As a girlfriend who has gained weight and lost my fitness this past year, and feels terrible about it, this post makes me incredibly sad. I feel embarrassed to have sex sometimes because I'm afraid of being judged based on my looks. Losing weight isn't easy. I want to regain my fitness but between work and school, it's been a battle to find the energy to start. Maybe instead of dropping hints, having a discussion with your gf about how you feel and how you're considering ending it is the best way forward. Maybe she's struggling and is too afraid to talk about it unprompted.

You have low energy because you're not exercising. You exercise and exert your body and you will be exerted but after a while you will have more energy.

Sorry but losing weight is a 2 step process. 1. Eat less + healthier. 2. Exercise.

People have become so lazy and would rather push this narrative that it's mean to call people fat or discourage bad behaviours but in all honestly it is that simple. The hard part is getting off your arse to start doing it and stick with it. Getting yourself out of a lazy rut is the hard part.

For women there can be hormonal problems that cause low energy that need to be ruled out by getting bloods tested before jumping on a diet and fitness change.

We're also more prone to anaemia and other deficiencies that, by identifying and treating, can quickly solve a large part of the low energy/exhaustion issue.

As someone who experienced severe burn out that led to a year of health problems, I always advise women to get a general check on their health before a lifestyle change. I adopted the mindset that you exhibit here and pushed through the discomfort and exhaustion thinking that I was just being lazy and ultimately ended hurting myself more.

Seconding that. Worked 60h a week + worked out 10h a week, meticulous, strict diet etc. Went through such a burnout that ended up getting crippling fibromyalgia that I've never recovered from, not only had to give up sport I really loved but also for the first 2 years I was in so much pain I struggled with very basic tasks like typing, tying my shoelaces or walking 500m down the street.

Women are taught very early to "smile and be nice" and we end up destroying ourselves trying to keep up with unreasonable demands society places on us.

I'm now 7kg overweight and despise it, but finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel in regards to the burnout and fibro recovery.

But of course men with good metabolism will always tell you that you're just lazy, even when you juggle a full-time job, raising kids, most of house chores, gaining extra education etc. It's all just us lacking willpower!

Omg I'm so sorry! What a horrible thing to experience when you were just trying to be healthy and capable.

My burn out led to something close to a psychotic break. It was like my nervous system completely eroded and even something small like someone talking to me would trigger panic attacks because I just couldn't process any information.

The thing that helped me was spending a year resting. I gained weight. I probably looked disgustingly lazy to other people but my body and mind literally couldn't manage small tasks. I still went to gym, just to have something to do and get out of the house. I kept thinking “next week I'll feel better and then I can sort myself out” but I ended up saying that for 52 weeks, and it took a year before I could even start working on myself again.

People think burn out is just being tired for a week, but it's no joke. Nearly destroyed my life.

My burnout is an autistic burnout - I didn't know I was autistic until the horrid burnout hit me, so I was always beating myself up for being a weirdo and hence working twice as hard to fit in. Unfortunately my workplace exploited my willingness beyond belief, so for 4 years I've been working full time + always overtime + studying for a second diploma + working out. The burnout was so severe it's over 2 years later and I'm still not really recovered (because I still need to work like a maniac just to pay rent for a room in a shared house...). I'm trying to rest as much as possible but the weight gain and muscle mass loss concern me, because there is a genetic predisposition to diabetes in my family, so I've been always very careful about what I eat, how much I work out etc.

For me it's chronic pain (my nervous system basically fried itself from horrid stress 24/7), brain fog, constant fatigue and bouts of severe anxiety. Even small tasks feel like pushing through a wall, so juggling 2 jobs + language school + extra certifications is a major pain. I've cut all the corners I could but it's still nowhere near enough. It's gotten a little bit better lately but I doubt I will recover properly when not getting much sleep and rest.

Thankfully there's a light at the end of the tunnel - I'm moving to France next year and my partner said to me straightaway: "I cannot look at you pushing 3rd year through burnout and destroying yourself. In France, the rent will be 1/3 of what we pay here, so I want you to know that if you want to work just part-time in some low-stakes job to recover, I will be delighted and fully supporting it". And I think I really will, as I didn't even have holidays in 5+ years, and I'm really, really exhausted.

Throwaway account.

33M here, wife 33F. I wanted to share some level of detail because I've been where you are.

Just to preface this, my wife and I are now happily married and have a very good relationship.

We've been together for 15 years and she has never been into sex. She'll appreciate cuddling, affection, quality time together but never sex. In the beginning she never had interest in sex at all and we tried many things to see if anything would kickstart it. It didn't.

I had the exact feelings as you. Feeling shallow for being the only one in the relationship craving it. Felt like I was in the wrong for expecting it. She would attend my queues knowing how much it meant for me, but in the end it caused me frustration because I felt like I was using her or her body for something "shallow like sex".

Sex was unpleasant for her 90% of the time. In these 15 years of our relationship, I can probably count on my fingers how many times we had good sex where we both seemed to have had pleasure.

I've contemplated therapy but never got it. Then I considered that it might be her. Looked up asexuality and started to accept it. As time went by, I started to notice that we only had "good sex" and that she felt more open during those few days before menstruations (hormones are amazing). So I started to learn the pattern so that we could enjoy it when we both could enjoy it.

What about the rest of the month, you ask? Well... Not great. Don't underestimate the toll it will take on your mental health. Some days you will feel like crap and lonely. I personally wanted to keep the relationship because I valued other aspects of it. I learned to live with it. But don't feel bad if that doesn't work for you. People have different needs and you are not shallow for wanting it.

We recently had a baby and, although I expected things to improve, they've worsen. So as you can see, 15 years into the relationship and I'm still working it out.

You have two options: 1. Accept the other person needs and find ways to cope with it. 2. Move along.

Feel free to DM me if you want to discuss further or vent. I know first hand how much negative impact this can cause you.

Here are some things to consider for ye:

• If you think it's other person's responsibility to manage your stress / happiness, you are immature at best and need therapy at worst (attachment patterns, narcissistic tendencies etc.)

• Women don't exist to visually please anyone (they can if they feel like it, but that should NEVER be an obligation), and the constant pressure to remain in a tip-top shape even when life takes a massive toll adds to the general stress, which leads us to...

• Chronic stress (especially in women due to the complexity of hormonal cycles) can lead both to weight gain that's hard to lose and to loss of libido. Have you considered how the absolute lack of stability in Ireland in recent years impacts her? Jobs are unsafe, housing is a shitshow, healthy food is expensive. Does she feel safe with YOU? I would not feel safe with a partner that treats me like a transaction ("Be hot and give me sex or GTFO")

• Additionally, if she went on a pill for you (since a lot of men are crybabies about condoms), that can as well lead to both weight gain and a libido drop

• What do YOU contribute to the relationship? How are the chores split? Does she work / study / do chores more than you? Do you cherish her? I've been with my partner for years, we went through some severe problems, he's seen me in a really horrible shape due to illness (yes, including a weight gain) - he still thinks I'm beautiful, brings me flowers, does chores without being asked (and even takes over all of them when I have an especially harsh day), we still go on dates. We both treat each other with the same awe as if we've just met. Do you treat your partner like that, or do you feel you "gained" her and now don't have to put in any effort?

Women don't exist to blahblah, but girlfriends/wives do. Yes, I know that all girlfriends/wives are women. There's a huge difference between the truism that people don't have to _______, and people in a competitive market (sex/marriage) don't have to [compete] to get/maintain their match(es). Of course you/they/one do(es). You don't get to be(come) worse at work and keep your job. You don't get to be(come) worse at girlfriending/wifing and get/keep your boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife. You are totally free to choose to be bad at work or sexual/marriage partnership, but the cold hard truth is that if you choose that, you (deserve to) get worse or no sex/marriage partners.

I was going to write a nice reply about how transactional approach to marriages leads to abuse and divorces, but the pure misogyny oozing from your comment (it's only women who need to DESERVE men, never the other way round, interesting) makes me think you may be a fan of autoerotism to the tune of Andrew Tate videos, so I won't waste my time.

If you enjoy "traditional values" where woman is not worth anything as a person and her whole value and life is defined by being owned by a man, I have great news for you: islam exists.

I was going to write a nice reply about how transactional approach to marriages leads to abuse and divorces

How is that a "nice" reply? That's irrelevant. I agree with the idea that a transactional approach to marriages (can) lead to abuse and divorces.

it's only women who need to DESERVE men, never the other way round, interesting

It's also the other way around. It's much more brutal for men needing to deserve women, by the numbers. Around 67-90% of women reproduce(d). Around 10-33% of men reproduce(d).

I won't waste my time.

You still spent your time replying. Please reply with on-topic responses this time. No ad-hominem. No distractions. No straw men. Only things I actually wrote. (I didn't write that only women need to DESERVE men, for example, and now I've explicitly written that it is also the "other way around").

Seems like you want a human sex doll more than you want a partner. Literally zero concern for your partner in any of this. Break up with her, she deserves better than you.