Lesbian shares her cautionary tale of what can go wrong when you wife up a femcel

Dear How to Do It,

My wife (34F) and I (37F) have been together for four years. Within the first six months, we nearly split up because she showed so little interest in flirting and s*x, I was almost positive she was asexual (which is fine, but we wouldn't be compatible). She insisted she was just inexperienced (I was her first serious relationship) and shy but that she was interested in s*x in general, attracted to me specifically, and wanted to learn and gain confidence rather than be with someone else whose drive more closely matched hers.

We now have a compromise to have s*x on Sundays. My wife never initiates physically. She acknowledges verbally on Friday that “date night” is coming and we're going to have s*x. Sunday evening, she'll say something like, “After this movie do you want to have grown-up time?” Then she'll go to the bedroom, undress, and wait in bed for me to physically initiate, which, even now, is an awkward process where for the first five to 10 minutes it seems like she's disinterested. She insists it just takes her a while to get into it. I believe her because once she does get into it, it's adventurous, intimate, and fun, and we both usually get off.

I've explained countless times that I don't need to have s*x more often, but I do crave more sexual interactions and feeling desired. If I try to kiss her passionately, touch her flirtatiously, place her hand inside my shirt, she'll stiffen up and stand there awkwardly. She says she can't switch her brain to sexy stuff on command. If I say something flirtatious, she immediately changes the subject or is silent until I change it, both in person and over text. She says she doesn't know how to respond. I suggested she try responding to texts with an emoji and I would take that as a positive, flirtatious response but a sign that she wasn't interested in carrying it further. She said she could do that but she didn't, so I quit trying.

Recently on a date night, I tried playing sensually with her fingers in the car and putting her arm around my waist while we were window shopping. She was cold to all my attempts, so by the time she suggested s*x, I felt so rejected I couldn't bring myself to want to do it. It felt like she'd been turning me down all evening, which made her offer seem like pity or duty. Most of the time I just fight my natural urge to speak or act flirtatiously because I know her reaction will be disappointing. But once in a blue moon, she responds positively, and it's something I crave so strongly so I don't want to just give up entirely. She says I'm meeting all her needs in this relationship, and she's pretty comfortable asking for things, so I tend to believe her. I make a huge effort to ensure we have as much non-sexual contact as possible because it's important to her, and I very much don't want her to feel like I'm only interested in touching her for sexual reasons. But I desperately want to feel like she is interested in touching me, at least sometimes. Do you have any suggestions for what I could say to make her understand? Things she might try, to get more comfortable flirting? Or maybe things I can do to numb the feeling of rejection and unmet needs?

—Left Hanging