Dear Prudence, what does it mean if DH spends all his free time writing erotica for a gay online gossip forum? Does this mean he wants to get his bussy blasted?

Dear Prudence,

I am a straight man in a marriage with a wonderful woman whom I love dearly. I would never dream of being unfaithful, either physically or emotionally. However, she has discovered my secret.

I sometimes write gay erotica anonymously on the internet. It is complete fiction and just something I do for fun and to blow off steam, and because for some reason I find it very fascinating (my stories are really focused more on the cerebral/power balance dynamic and less on the physical acts). My wife is extremely hurt and convinced that I am writing about actual experiences I have had or am currently having. I feel awful that she is believing the worst, and I don't know how to make her understand. What should I do?

—Speed Kills

Dear Speed Kills,

You have to start by explaining why you kept this hobby a secret. I mean, really think about it, maybe even write down some notes for yourself over a period of days and weeks, and bring her a full and thoughtful explanation. Whatever you express needs to be more compelling than her assumption, which is "Because it's an expression of a secret life." And it sounds like you can come up with a meaningful narrative about how you got here, while being totally honest. I'm sure there may be many factors contributing to your choice to keep your writing private. Perhaps these include things like your keen awareness of society's homophobia, a history of being made fun or criticized for interests or behaviors that fall outside the norm, a deep fear of being rejected or misunderstood, the thrill of having a secret, a preference for avoiding hard conversations, or maybe even some of your own (unnecessary, but real) shame and embarrassment. Perhaps you're generally conflict-avoidant. And if you simply were being a bit lazy by avoiding a conversation that you knew would take a lot out of you, own that, too!

Whatever you say, the more reflective and detailed and raw you can be, the better. It will also help to reassure her that her concerns aren't unreasonable or invalid, and that if you stumbled upon her secret body of work about something that sounded like it could be her fantasy life, you'd have concerns too! Acknowledge that it is unusual to keep an entire hobby from a spouse, and be clear that, while the writing itself was not wrong or bad, you did set yourself up for this scrutiny. Ask her what she might need to rebuild trust. If she can't come up with anything, offer couples counseling and a lot of patience, and the willingness to answer all of her questions multiple times as she continues to process everything.